When The World Was My Oyster

I can't believe that eleven years after getting sick I'm still grieving the 'old me'.

I have years of photos that haven't been put in albums. Part of that is because of lack of energy, but a large part of it is how painful it is to see how hopeful I felt about the road ahead of me. It's painful to see a body that works and wakes up every day feeling alive. A body that danced and played music and studied for endless hours. A mind that felt sharp and alert. The world was my oyster, everyone said, and that is certainly how I felt until June 18th, 1998.

I still grieve her. I grieve her dreams. I grieve her hopes. I grieve her ability to engage in her passions. I grieve her old body.

I realize many of us look back on our 'old selves' with a touch of nostalgia and of missing 'what used to be'--the carefree sense of life we felt when we were younger, the freedoms we had, the hardships we didn't know, the bodies we no longer have, etc. I also realize that life isn't fair, that no one ever promised us a rose garden and that so very many of us (including those reading right now) are suffering themselves.

For me, my photo albums from college sit untouched because it's too painful to look at that time in my life.

I first got the idea to post this picture from a post on Mayday Productions. And I realized how not alone I was in grieving my old self.

When a college friend scanned in a bunch of photos from our time at Davidson one day, I was confronted with a visual picture of the 'old me' that, until then, I had mostly refused to face. The photo above is one of the pictures she scanned and posted on Facebook. Otherwise I do not have any pictures pre-digital camera on my computer. When I look at this photo of me, I want to tell her to enjoy life even more. Study a little less because Phi Beta Kappa isn't everything. Soaking in the entire life experience is. Go to more performances on campus, spend more time with professors, travel more, date more, love more, try more new things, spend more time on your passions, take more time to enjoy things now--rather than always thinking about what's next.

I love this photo because I'm having fun and feeling alive. It's so many parts of the 'old me' I loved--being girlie, getting dressed up, going dancing, being with friends, taking a break from the intense studying, etc.

The last time I knew what it was like to be a part of the world was when I was at Davidson.

When I look at pictures of the 'old me' I wonder:

What parts of her do I want to preserve? What parts of her have I preserved? What parts of her do I want to let go? Who am I without her? Who have I become in place of her? Who am I now? Who am I because of her? What is my 'oyster' now?

I have decided to pass this anniversary of 'getting sick' quietly. Last year, I really felt the need for a ten year anniversary ritual. This year, I have a routine massage with Maxine which keeps the day just like a 'normal' Thursday.

Instead of anything big, I decided what I really wanted to treat myself to was a pot of flowers for my new room. So we'll see what Mom brings home! Fresh flowers and plants always make me happy. I also decided I will find someone to sponsor on Kiva.org.

Blessings,

Emily

Photo: From '70's night at Davidson. Getting ready to go dancing! I do not remember if this was Freshman or Sophomore year. Davidson girls, can any of you tell?? Loralea--is this in front of our Rich dorm or Watts dorm?! And yes, this is my mom's dress from the '70's! Susannah posted this, along with a bunch of other photos, from our time at Davidson. And no, drinking was not involved in a 'good time' for us! We were goofy enough without the alcohol.

Linky love: Mayday productions. One of my fave blogs, along with it's partner Team Coco.