Asher: I Can Sleep Anywhere!

The other night while Mom was downstairs getting ready for bed and I was upstairs doing the same, I heard her say to me that I had to see what Asher was up to.

This is where he was:  halfway down the stairs (or halfway up the stairs, depending on your point of view). How he got all 28 pounds of himself onto the step like that I do not know. We've never seen him do this before--and he does a lot of crazy things.

I got a shot of him from above while he snoozed on the stairs, but as soon as I tried to hand the camera to Mom he moved. So this shot is about as goofy as what he was doing.

Anyways, Asher will always, always, always find a way to be halfway between Mom and me. He likes it best when we are in the same room because all of his 'herd' is in one place. Pure happiness. When we are in different locations, he always plants himself somewhere in between, and this was his location of choice the other night.

Thanks for keeping us smiling Asher Dasher!

Blessings,

Emily

Photo:  Asher sleeping on the stairs.

Getting a Wheelchair...

I have just begun the process of getting a wheelchair.

More and more, I find that on my 'good days' I am starting to feel stir crazy.  The first thing I want to do is get out of the house.

This is a huge change for me because during the past several years I have not even had the desire to go out and do things.  Whenever I did try to go out the resulting ANS storm and neck pain flare almost erased any of the joy that came from venturing out.

Now, I'm starting to be able to enjoy some short outings. The problem: I'm more mobile than I've been in a very long time, but not quite 'mobile enough' to manage the types of outings I'd like to be able to do. The most difficult outings involve any sort of standing still.

Recently we went to Home Depot to pick out paint colors for my new bedroom. I used a wheelchair at the store and was able to sit up with my feet down and look at paint colors for an hour. I was pretty excited about this! This outing was a huge turning point for me. I think it really got me thinking that it was time to get a wheelchair. 

Despite my initial reservations about using the wheelchair, I was able to really focus on looking at the paint colors rather than trying to figure out a way not to pass out by crawling, sitting and lying on the concrete floor. I left the store tired with my ANS going a little crazy, but not having an awful spell.

I also felt incredibly empowered to be able to go to the store and make my own decisions.

Before now, I've tossed around the idea of a wheelchair on and off. Jeannine has really encouraged me for a long time now to get one. Until now, though, I wasn't physically or emotionally ready to get a wheelchair. 

It's just been in the last few months that I have started to be able to sit upright for any period of time. I still have a long ways to go on standing time and walking time though, so that's where the wheelchair comes into the picture.

Just a few days ago, I emailed Dr. ANS about the possibility of a wheelchair and whether it could help to enhance my life. As I wrote the email, I was shaking and anxious.

Here is his lovely response:

As for the wheelchair, I am all for wheelchairs as a mental health device. It is so much better at all levels to be outside, engaged with the wider world, even if that means using a wheelchair than it is to be inside without one, more isolated and confined to a restricted range of travel. You obviously want to walk as much as you can, so I am not worried about you using it as a crutch. Sometimes pushing the wheelchair as far as you can is a safe way to increase walking distance without worrying that you'll run out of gas and have no simple way back to where you started.

I received my prescription dated March 17, 1009, in the mail last week. Today, I mailed it to the place I will be working with to get the wheelchair that is right for my needs.

I wish it wasn't true, but I admit that this process has been incredibly difficult. Just saying the word wheelchair out loud to myself and to others, seeing the prescription made out to me for a wheelchair, looking online at wheelchairs, calling the place that sells the wheelchairs, and dialoguing with other wheelchair users has filled me with anxiety.

I'm incredibly, incredibly grateful for the support of other wheelchair users who have helped me to see why I am ready and need to take this next step towards more independence and freedom.  I have many friends on DINET who use wheelchairs.  Reading the emotions that they felt going through the process of getting a wheelchair, as well as how they feel now that they use one has been invaluable and reassuring.  I watch how Melissa, Rachel, Corina and others are able to participate more in life because they use a wheelchair.  Heck, Corina found a way to have her son push her on the ice skating pond! 

I also send out a huge thanks to Sarah, my classmate who lives here locally and is a paraplegic, for both her honest blog about her own experiences and her personal emails. 

Rebekah, who is trained in rehabilitation services and as an occupational therapy assistant has also been walking me through the process.  She is able to say to me: "If you're even thinking about getting a wheelchair, it's time." or "Yes, it's normal to feel this way. It's normal to have panic attacks."  She's able to frame how difficult society makes it for us to have a visible disability.  I've been needing a LOT of emotional support from Mom, Dad, Jeannine, Maxine and others as I go through this and they've been giving it big time. 

I'm just starting to tell my friends who are not wheelchair users, which is why I am writing this blog.  Because I am still scared and anxious and overwhelmed by it all. If I didn't tell you yet about this new step in my life--and that would be most everyone reading right now--it's because I just didn't feel ready yet. Until now. And in this format.

I continue to alternate between panic and fear and a feeling of freedom and excitement.

What I know and have learned so far (from the wisdom of Rebekah, Sarah, Maxine, Jeannine, Melissa, Corina, Rachel and others...):

• This is a stepping stone. It is a step forwards, not backwards. 
• It is a step towards more independence
• It will give me more freedom
• Right now, I have been able to keep my illness invisible. By getting a wheelchair, I am making my illness visible. Sadly, our society still makes this very, very difficult.
• Using a wheelchair is, in a way, asking for help even if the 'help' makes me more independent, rather than less. 
• It's also a way of receiving help. Along with asking for help, this is another thing I'm not so good at.
• In a poll on DINET I learned how many people choose not to use wheelchairs because of pride and ego.  I know I'm guilty of the same. 
• Now I'm ready to try to overcome that obstacle and participate in life more.
• If I allow it to, a wheelchair can mean greater freedom and feel liberating.
• This is a beginning

What I hope is that having a wheelchair will make it possible me to participate more fully in life, as Dr. ANS and others have said so beautifully. 

Last summer when we went to the fireworks I was thrilled to be there. I could walk to where we were sitting, but once we got there I was stuck and the walk to the bathrooms was too far (and you know how often I have to pee)! Then a few weeks ago Mom and I went for a drive and stopped at a lovely park with great paved walkways. All I could think was how wonderful it would be to 'go for a little ride' and take in some new scenery and some fresh air.

As the summer approaches, I'm anticipating nice weather and visitors. I'd love to be able to tag along a bit more for outings.  My parents usually take friends out for ice cream and for a walk around town. If I were to go along right now I'd be able to walk from the car to the famous ice cream eatery but I wouldn't be able to make it back! So I stay home and feel like I'm missing out. With a wheelchair, I think that I could tag along.  

I'd also love to be able to go shopping a bit! I've been trying to go shopping for stuff for my new bedroom, but I'm always rushing in and out because of the standing time required. I'm so focused on my symptoms or finding a way to sit on the floor that it's difficult to focus on the task at hand.  Shopping is already difficult because it causes so much over stimulation of the ANS, but a wheelchair would at least eliminate crawling on the floor. I'd also like to get some cute spring clothes. With a wheelchair, I'd actually be able to go to a store to look at clothes rather than have my mom bring piles of clothes home for me to try on.

If I run into someone I know, I never quite know how to handle the situation. Plunk down on the ground, wherever that may be, so that I can talk to them? Tell them I can't stand up and I'm sick all within the first breath when I haven't seen them for years? And what about in stores or bathrooms when there are lines? 

I know it's going to be very difficult to take the next steps of trying wheelchairs, getting fitted, and actually using one in different places. I also know that running into people I know won't be easy. I'm sure I'll start out going to places that aren't very busy and at off-times. I know I'll have episodes of 'wheelchair embarrassment' as Melissa calls it. And I'll hope my darndest that being in a wheelchair will still be less awkward than sitting and crawling on the floor. I'm also worried about my own friends adjusting to this all. How will they feel pushing me in a wheelchair or having me roll along next to them as I wheel myself?

It's a big change. I'm full of anticipation--both the kind that creates excitement and the kind that creates 5 AM panic attacks. Knowing this is the right choice doesn't reduce the anxiety.

Something very big has been shifting inside me lately--spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It's all happening so quickly I can hardly keep up. I know that getting the wheelchair is part of this. It's part of saying: This is my life now, and I'm going to find a way to live it to the fullest.

I know this is a long post. Deciding to get a wheelchair has been a very challenging and also exciting experience.  As always, thank you for journeying along with me. I'm incredibly grateful for my blog as a way to communicate and incredibly grateful to you for reading. If I've been extra quiet lately, all of the changes going on in my life are part of the reason why. So, having my blog really helps me to stay in touch.

I hope I get to pick a pretty accent color for my wheelchair. Shall I go with pink?

Now, I'd better hit the publish button before I chicken out!

Blessings,

Emily

Photo:  The forsythia last weekend. Just budding. Just like me.

Congratulations to Professor Dad!

Usually, I don't mention much about things on my blog that might give away our identity or where we live, and I make every effort to protect the privacy of myself, my friends and my family.  I also try to keep the focus more on my personal journey.  I hope that I can still do the former while letting go of the latter a little bit in order to take the liberty of celebrating a big moment for my dad.

Recently, Dad received the university-wide graduate student teaching award.  I'll leave it slightly vague as to the precise university.

In the past he has won other awards including one just a couple of years ago for his accomplishments in research, which was another university-wide award.  That seemed like a big enogh deal! But I've never heard him so excited as he his about this latest award, which is why I wanted to blog about it.

I know it means so much to him because it honors the true reason he (and both of my parents) went into teaching and academia: to inspire the love of learning in others; to touch the lives of students in long-lasting ways; to teach students to be thinkers, researchers, and teachers themselves; and to share their passion of Sociology with their students.

To have current and former graduate students write letters on his behalf and win this award is a wonderful tribute Dad's career. He loves research, but I think he loves teaching more. 

All I know is that if I was his student I'd probably fall in love with Sociology too.  Although in truth, I already love it! (It's difficult not to since my parents love it so much.) I've always wished I could have taken a class from my mom and my dad! Can you believe I never took a Sociology class at Davidson? (Hey Dad, Stephen Curry is a Soc. major!)

Dad invests an incredible amount of time in his graduate students.  He still wakes up loving what he found a passion for so many years ago. He still has so much he's ready and willing to contribute to the field.  No doubt, he'll continue to touch the lives of many more students in the years to come. Dad has committed the majority of his career to this one university--a place he began teaching the same fall I was born. 

Now treat yourself to that fancy golf cart Dad! You deserve it!

Love from your lifelong 'student',

Your Champ

Photo: Dad and I on my birthday. Also a Light of 2008. We spent the whole afternoon together, just the two of us. I didn't go to the ceremony because I wasn't quite up to it...but I was sooo close. (Dad, what are you going to win next so I can go this time around?) If Abbie is able to download her pictures from the big day, I'll post a couple on my blog. He was dressed all snazzy. :)

My Favorite Tree

During my first trip outside to take spring photos I wanted to take some photos of my favorite tree before it begins to bud.  I wanted some pictures what it looks like throughout the winter. Why? Because I think this tree is so incredibly beautiful in every season.

It's a weeping cherry tree that is as old as I am. When my parents moved into the house, my dad and a friend dug the thing up and replanted it near our house. (I know, not Kosher.) 

Unfortunately, it's beginning to die in places. It's planted too close to the house. The concrete patio is hindering the roots. And the life of these trees is about 30-35 years. Sadly, each season I wonder if it will be my last to see this tree in it's current state.

I love the bark on the tree. Most weeping cherry trees purchased at a nursery have a smooth texture to the trunk, rather than the au natural look that our tree has.

I can't believe how emotionally attached I am to this tree. I hope I can get some pictures of it during all of the seasons and frame them side by side.

Our house and my favorite tree. :) My den is located where the tree trunk is.  The window in that room is the one from which I have spent the most time looking at the tree. The branches fall right in front of the window so from my recliner I can see the tree in all its glory, during each season. I've spent a lot of time in that chair, unable to do anything, but look at this glorious and life-affirming tree. 

I'm not ready to let it go and I hope it sticks around for a long time! 

It's amazing how much comfort this tree brings me and how much strength I draw from it. Viewing it from my den windows or the living room windows is like being covered in a canopy of branches, buds, leaves, or flowers--depending on the season.  It makes me feel protected and safe. And at home.

Blessings,

Emily

Photos:  Weeping cherry tree in front of our house in mid-March.

Crocuses: Always the First to Bloom

On Sunday afternoon I adventured back out into the yard to check on the progress of the plants around the yard. It's amazing how much things have changed in just a week! I got so many fun pictures, it's hard to choose! Again, I crawled all over the ground and was covered in dirt...

Here are the pics of the crocuses one week later. The top one is such a lovely variety. 

Most of the crocuses are purple like these and are in full bloom.  Rachel, these are for you girlfriend! Purple heaven!

A few stray yellow ones.

Not quite in bloom yet.

Still not quite ready to pop open for spring!

Blessings,

Emily

Photos:  The crocuses in our front yard.

Go 'Cats! Catch them TONIGHT on ESPN2!

Davidson Wildcats (27-7) vs. Saint Mary’s Gaels (27-6)

2009 National Invitation Tournament

Date: March 23, 2009

Time: 11:30 p.m. (EST)

Site: McKeon Pavilion (3,500 capacity) - Moraga, Calif.

Audio: John Kilgo calls the action on the Davidson Radio Network (1350 AM, 610 AM, 95.7 FM and online on DavidsonWildcats.com)

Video: Broadcast live on ESPN2 with Lou Canellis calling the action and Hubert Davis providing the color analysis

For as much of the 'Cats as you could ever want, click here.

You can see photos, read about all of Curry's post-season awards, Andrew Lovedale's shoe drive, game play-by-plays and stats, and any last minute schedule changes. 

Davidson is headed to the second round of the NIT after defeating the University of South Carolina 70-63 in the first round last Tuesday.  For those of us on the East Coast we have to be dedicated Wildcats fans to stay up for this game against St. Mary's.  Or be thankful for TiVo!  

No NCAA bid for Davidson this year who ended up being the darling of the tournament last year.  As 'Cats fans most of us were a bit disappointed that Davidson didn't get a bid this year, but the NIT is turning out to be as interesting this year as the NCAA. So many teams that played in the NCAA last year are playing alongside Davidson this year in the NCAA.

Tonight, the commentators will be watching the match-up between Patty Mills of St. Mary's and Stephen Curry of Davidson.  

No one knows yet if Curry will turn pro after this year, so every game we get to see him play for the 'Cats is a special treat!

 Last year Davidson made it to the Elite Eight, where they were defeated by Kansas 59-57 (the eventual NCAA champions).  I didn't manage to get Elite Eight shirts, but I did get Sweet Sixteen shirts! Here's a pic of Mom and I last year in our Davidson shirts.

When Davidson went to the NCAA last year, we were a bit unprepared in the apparel department!  We dug up a few old shirts from my years at Davidson. All of the shirts were, like, extra large! They are huge. I can't believe I wore them all that way throughout college.

Mom is wearing one of my favorite Davidson shirts. This shirt cracks me up. 

I never did finish my 'Lights of 2008' posts, but the NCAA Tournament with Davidson going all the way to the Elite Eight was definitely one of my lights! 

When I was a little girl my dad started taking me to college basketball games. He also loved to shoot hoops with me and play HORSE. Even though our driveway is slanted, we still had a hoop hanging above the garage. He taught me how to shoot hoops underhand, and somehow I managed to win a 'Hoop Shoot' contest in fourth grade. My athleticism, if you could call it that, didn't continue much after that! He was pretty proud though. 

We went to games for many, many years--even when I would be home on college breaks. As a little girl, the players were larger than life and I loved getting autographs and meeting the women's team. The best part of the game was always getting a couple of quarters from Dad to get a program!

I always enjoyed and loved following our team here. But I fell away from enjoying basketball. And the sicker I became, the more I pulled away from anything that seemed 'frivolous'. I had forgotten for a very long time to take time for things I enjoyed.

But God didn't intend for us to be serious all of the time. He intended for us to delight in this life and appreciated the many different gifts that we all bring to the world.

I'm thankful to Davidson for re-igniting my joy of the game. For reminding me to take pleasure in the game. And for reminding me to have a little more fun!  Here's to a few more threes from Curry!

Last fall for my birthday, I asked to be better prepared for future Davidson basketball games.  I got a new Davidson sweatshirt for my birthday. You can be sure I'll be wearing it today!

Enjoy the Game! Let's Go Cats!!!!

Blessings,

Emily

P.S. 

For my fellow Davidson fans, here is a great interview with Curry that aired on NPR showcasing the combination of academics and athletics. I've provided the link for you to listen. It's a great way to start your Monday!

Davidson's Curry Shines In Court, Classroom

by Scott Graf

Click here Listen Now [3 min 32 sec] 

All Things Considered, January 8, 2009 · One of the best players in college basketball this year attends school in North Carolina. But it isn't at Duke or the University of North Carolina. Stephen Curry attends tiny Davidson College, which is known for its academics instead of athletics.

Photos:  Stephen Curry playing against USC in the first round of the NIT (taken from www.davidsonwildcats.com); Mom and I in our Sweet 16 shirts last year; Mom wearing my old Davidson t-shirt that says "Princeton" on the front and "The Davidson of the North" on the back; me this fall opening presents from Dad and Abbie and showing off my new sweatshirt from them.

Weekend Lyrics: Friendship

Friendship

From the musical Anything Goes

[MOON]
You know, Reno, we should have teamed up years ago.

[RENO]
We're two of a kind, all right.

[MOON]
Partners!

[RENO]
Through thick and thin!

[MOON]
Night and day!

[RENO]
Right or wrong!

[MOON]
If you're ever in a jam, here I am.

[RENO]
If you ever need a pal, I'm your gal.

[MOON]
If you ever feel so happy you land in jail,
I'm your bail.

[BOTH]
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships have been forgot
Ours will still be hot!
Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-dig-dig-dig.

[MOON]
If you're ever down a well, ring my bell.

[RENO]
If you ever catch on fire, send a wire.

[MOON]
If you ever lose your teeth
When you're out to dine,
Borrow mine.

[BOTH]
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships have ceased to jell
Ours will still be swell!
Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-hep-hep-hep.

[RENO]
If they ever black your eyes, put me wise.

[MOON]
If they ever cook your goose, turn me loose.

[RENO]
If they ever put a bullet through your brr-ain
I'll complain.

[BOTH]
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships go up in smoke,
Ours will still be oke!
Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-goof-goof-goof.

[MOON]
If you ever lose your mind, I'll be kind.

[RENO]
If you ever lose your shirt, I'll be hurt.

[MOON]
If you're ever in a mill and get sawed in half,
I won't laugh.

[BOTH]
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships have been "forgate"
Ours will still be great!

[RENO]
If they ever crack your spine, drop a line.

[MOON]
If they ever cut your throat, write a note.

[RENO]
If they ever make a cannibal stew of you,
Invite me too!

[BOTH]
It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships are up the crick,
Ours will still be slick!
Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-

[MOON]
Quack-quack-quack

[RENO]
Woof-woof-woof

[BOTH]
When other friendships have been forgot,
Ours will still be hot!

[MOON]
Quack-quack-quack

[RENO]
Woof-woof-woof

Why I chose these Lyrics:  I have not posted any weekend lyrics for over a year now. So many great songs about friendship exist, I could post a year's worth of songs just on this topic. I chose this song in honor of Jeannine for a couple of reasons. 

First it's silly and goofy. Lines like: "If you ever lose your mind, I'll be kind" make me think of something she might say!

Second, this song always makes me think of our friendship in particular. During my junior year of college I choreographed a tap dance to this song and performed it. I did so in honor of my friendship with Jeannine. Oh how I wish I had a scanner right about now. 

I love musicals.  I have always loved going to performances of! them. And I was in our high school musical all four years.  Don't be too impressed, though! I was always in the chorus because I can't sing, but I could dance well enough that they needed me for that part of things! I always stood next to my friend, Jessica, so that I could try to hear her sing and follow her pitch.

The music from Anything Goes always makes me smile. Hope it makes you smile too!

Here's to good friends!

Blessings,

emily

Jeannine: My Bestest Friend

I talk about Jeannine all of the time in my blog posts, but I have never written a post about her. Time to get to it! She's my bestest friend in the whole world. And I can't imagine surviving life without her. How do I even begin to describe Jeannine? 

I met Jeannine at the bus stop on the first day of seventh grade and she has been my best friend ever since then.  In many ways we believe that after 21 years of friendship we are more than friends. We are family. As Jeannine says:  "I always wanted a sister, so I went out and found myself one in you." I so love when she says that.

Below are a couple of cute pictures of the two of us from this summer. I have a blue tongue from eating some blueberry pie! :) I like this picture because Jeannine is so goofy and so funny--and together we are even goofier! 

I also typed up a story she wrote and framed for me as a high school graduation gift. (I just think she may die of embarrassment when she sees this! I hear my phone ringing now, I think! :)) She might word things a bit differently now that she is 30-something rather than 17!

I chose to type up this story because after all of these years, it still amazes us how intertwined our lives have been.  She wrote this as we left to go to separate colleges. Right now, just like me, Jeannine is living at home where she is caring for her terminally ill mother. All these years later we find ourselves four houses down from each other again.

Here is our story, as told by Jeannine over 15 years ago. Now we're a little older, a little wiser, and closer than ever. Great comfort is found in knowing someone for so many years. We know each other's story as well as we know our own. I have learned so much from Jeannine over the years--patience, empathy, acceptance, loyalty, letting go, humor, humility, generosity, sacrifice, listening, the meaning of unconditional love.  And even through our many tears over the last few years, we always find a way to laugh--she can make me laugh every day. 

Little did we know what life had in store for us when she wrote this and how true the words would ring or how uncannily parallel our journeys would be.

Legend tells a tale of two travelers who journeyed the road of life. This is their story:

Two travelers journey on the road of life.

The road so far has been one, but now the path diverges.

As the travelers stop to rest, they spy what lies behind.

The obstacles of the past. The twists and turns of fate. The downhill joys and the uphill battles. The road behind is one of memories--good and bad, sweet and sour, but memories made together.

The travelers survived the route together.

It is said that one said to the other, "Thank you. You have laughed with me and cried with me. You have shared my sorrows and my fears. You have let me cry on your shoulder and bitch to your ears. You have listened to me. You have validated me and given me more than words can say. Thank you my friend, my best friend."

The travelers glanced at what lay ahead. The road that had been one was now two. Each gazed at the road that they would travel.

New twists and new turns appear. new hills and new obstacles. New fears and new hopes. New accomplishments and new disappointments.

More tears will be shed and more laughter will be shared. For even though the road diverges, they are parallel. So each traveler will always be able to see and reach out to each other.

As the two begin their separate journeys, they will travel alone but they will never be alone. For they have each other.

As they face the uncertainty and vagueness of the future they will find strength in one another, together, and their friendship.

Once again he travelers look behind.

Then they look ahead.

The first shaky steps are taken. The leap of change has begun.

One softly whispers, "Thank you, again. Remember I will always be here so I will not say good-bye."

The legend says that when the travelers reached the end of their separate paths, they stood at the gates of infinity. Once again they glanced at the roads behind. Instead of two separate roads, one woven path of two lives is what was seen.

I love you j! As we always say to each other: "What would I do without you?"

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Two little old biddies (is that you you spell it?!). That's what we call ourselves these days. Here were are hanging out on my porch being goofy (as usual).

Pretty Boy

Here's Asher doing his very favorite trick. It always makes me smile. I've wanted to capture him doing 'pretty boy' on my camera for a long time now, but the shutter speed wasn't quick enough on my old camera. Alas, the new camera is magical! 

First he's looking at me like: "What do you want me to do? I'll do whatever it takes to get that treat!"

 

Sometimes when trying to get a treat he goes through all of the tricks he knows hoping that the one he does is the 'right' one to get the treat. He'll be sitting, lying down, standing, waving, shaking, doing pretty boy one right after another. Pretty funny. Today, I just have pretty boy to share....

So here he is!!! Mr. Handsome himself....

Ta-da!  And Happy St. Patty's Day from Asher Dasher! Did you know that Soft Coated Wheaten Terriers originated in Ireland? They did! Asher is even wearing a little St. Patty's Day bow in this picture to honor his Irish heritage. :)

Blessings,

Emily

Signs of Spring

Spring was definitely in the air here today. 

Lately, I've been feeling a great deal of unrest (as Jeannine puts it). I'm longing and striving for a greater sense of peace, but not finding it.  Over the years, I've come to understand that these times come and go in waves. They are part of the process. But, when I am in one of these places, it is very difficult to see out of it.

Yesterday I thought I might lose it. Ever since increasing my dose of Zithromax, I have had a more difficult time 'catching a break' from the herxes because I don't get the same break between my shots. I have also had an overwhelming number of appointments lately, and more are coming in April.

Recently I talked with Rebekah about balance. Sick or not sick, we all struggle with feeling overwhelmed, finding balance, making time for ourselves and for leisure. What Rebekah remarked on for me related to finding a balance between working to get better and living whatever life I do have. I'm still a work and progress, that is for sure! So today I 'worked' on leisure a bit.

Yesterday was a day spent raging and angry at my body and its limitations. Anger seemed to be my 'theme' yesterday.  I found that everything set me off:  the advertisements in the mail made me long to be fit or wear cute skirts and shoes, the paint samples made me want to be able to paint a swatch on the wall myself; the piles of papers in the sunroom that I know stress my mom out made me angry that I didn't have the energy to pick them up; dinner made me wish I could cook for my mom for a change; all of the people outside walking/jogging/biking/doing yard work made me want to be doing the same thing. No matter what it was, how frivolous or ridiculous it was, I was mad about it! It's an awful head space to be in and hate it--spending time thinking about the things I want instead of the things I already have.  I was a royal grump!

I realized after Jeannine pulled me partway out of the gutter of low self-esteem, that as she says, if we allow the enormity of our situations to sink in we will literally collapse. I've been feeling as if I am at a tipping point. That I might just collapse. That I might just pull the covers over my head. 

Finally, I told myself that the next six weeks will be very difficult with the number of important appointments I have.  But I can also ease up a bit after that on appointments. The Lyme treatment, on the other hand, isn't easing up any time soon. 

In order to avoid collapse, I really do have to remind myself to take one day, one moment at a time and not look ahead too far. Today was about doing just that.

Today, I made myself engage in activities that help to quiet my spirit. I sat in the sunroom and knitted until the sun made it's way to the back patio. Jeannine stopped over.  I was able to walk with her for a short little walk. After she left, I sat on the porch eating a snack, watching Asher hang out, and soaking in some much needed sunshine.  

As I sat there, realizing how much of a fog I have been in, I tried to find a way to 'see' all that was right in front of me. Sometimes, using my camera is way of almost forcing myself to absorb the beauty of the day around me, when I can't otherwise see it.

So, I made a little journey around to the front yard where all of the bulbs are popping up. Crocuses, daffodils, a hyacinth and one thing that I'm not sure what it is! I must have looked like a crazy person lying in the grass trying to get close ups of the little sprouts in the ground. I love watching our yard through the seasons. I love watching the flowers and trees bloom. 

After I came in, I was able to take a nap, something that has evaded me for the past three days.  

Tonight, Rebekah was here for my weekly massage with her. While she was here, I felt her baby kick! I think I felt the baby kick four times. Each week Rebekah has been trying to get the baby to kick for me. I think this may be the first time I've ever felt a baby kick like that. It was a very special moment for me.  As always, I had a fantabulous massage and actually found myself with a relatively quiet mind.

Lastly, I went down the stairs to see Mom and Asher. It's been years since I've gone downstairs to be with Mom. (I think she may grow tired of this new interest on my part since she really likes her 'space'!).  Still, the last two nights I was able to go down to be with her and cuddle. I may be thirty-something, but I still love snuggle time. I crawled under the covers next to Mom. Asher does not like to be excluded from his 'heard', so he had to jump up too. So, there the three of us were--all in a row on our left sides. Eventually, Mom fell asleep snoring on one side of me and Asher fell asleep snoring on the other side of me. I left soon after that!

I'm topping off the night with some blogging, as I've fallen away from my blog the past week and I know I need to find my way back.

Tomorrow begins another week of appointments and treatments. Today was about reminding myself why I keep going to and through them.

Blessings,

Emily

P.S. Sorry for a touch of a downer post on a Monday.  Part of the reason I haven't blogged is because I didn't want to post some of this stuff...but well, I'm risking it.  I have some 'fun' posts planned next!

Photos:  Crocus; Daffodils; More crocuses?; Not quite sure about the last two photos!

Christine: Reconnecting After Fourteen Years!

Today, Christine and her baby Missy spent the afternoon hanging out at my house. I have not seen Christine in FOURTEEN years! That's kind of mind-boggling to me. All along, we've been living in the same town and didn't even know it. I really believe that we found each other now, and not earlier, for a reason.

Moments like today are when I love Facebook so much. Without Facebook, Christine and I never would have found each other again.  I'm amazed that she found me soon after I joined. We have been keeping up through my blog, her blog, and Facebook, and finally saw each other face to face for the first time since the summer after my freshman year of college.

Life has changed a great deal for both of us--and we've both been through our own very different, but very difficult journeys. However, I did read an interesting story about reconnecting on Facebook with high school friends who knew us 'when'. It made me better understand the comfort in reconnecting with people who knew us during that period of our lives. 

Christine and I used to spend quite a bit of time together hanging out at my house, having meals here, and driving here from school in my 1989 Light Blue Ford Tempo (so fashionable!). We were both involved in yearbook, newspaper, and thespians.

Today, we had hummus, veggies, pineapple and tea. We talked and started to catch up on the last fourteen years. We have a ways to go yet! Missy, as you can see from the picture, is a very content and happy baby. I could not believe how well she did for an entire three hours here. She just likes to hang out and cuddle. And she will let anyone hold her--so that meant lots of cuddle time for me!

While Christine was eating her lunch I gave Missy a bottle. Missy fell asleep in my arms! So, here she is all scrunched up sleeping in my arms. I look so not maternal in this picture! Somehow, though, Missy found this position quite comfortable so why argue with that? She was sound asleep! 

Christine also just stepped right into helping to get lunch out and clean up while I sat on the sofa with Missy. Thank you girlfriend!

Missy loves her feet! She will do some serious acrobatics to get to those feet of hers! Or to my belt--which she found fascinating and very tasty.

I'm really trying to find some people locally to hang out with for the first time since getting sick. I love the idea that Christine is just a hop, skip, and a jump from my house. It makes it so much easier to say: "Hey let's just get together for an hour," because she wants to get out of the house or I want some company. It also takes away some of the pressure if I don't feel well or if something comes up with Missy or Christine's son, Ashton. 

I'm also really trying to plan things that I enjoy in between my shots to try to give myself a bit of an 'emotional boost' before I start herxing really badly. Sometimes I'm not sure if this helps, or makes things worse! Because I just want more of the 'good days' and the bad days somehow seem even more difficult. 

Anyways, we had a very easy and pleasant afternoon beginning to get reacquainted after so many years. I hope we won't be strangers for another fourteen years again!!!

Thanks for the visit Christine! 

Blessings,

Emily

Photos:  Christine, Missy (age six months), me.