Kate: Another Great Holiday Visit

Me and Kate. I am so glad I got my hair cut before all of these photo shoots! :)

Today, I had the blessing of seeing another one of my long time friends. After Mom's heart attack Kate reached out and made an extra effort to visit while she was home visiting her parents for the holidays. Kate also wanted to see Mom in the flesh...and give her a little lecture on not giving us any more scares! :) This is good because we all listen to "Take care of yourself" a LOT better from other sources than our immediate family! Ha!


As I speak of often, I struggle a great deal with loneliness. I'm mostly homebound, and often too tired to have visitors, talk on the phone, etc. I pay such a big price physically for the visits and outings that I do have. It feels good to put on 'real clothes' and make-up for a visitor, but it wears me out. Kate said she doesn't care what I look like or what I'm wearing (she doesn't, I know), but it feels good to try to be a little bit 'normal' and 'look healthy' for a couple of hours. By the time I get dressed and put make-up on, I'm pooped, so I see why I don't do that every day yet!


Today, I was reminded again how blessed I am to have friends who I have known and loved for such a very long time. I'm amazed at how we have grown from meeting as girls in seventh grade to women in our mid-thirties who still share such a deep connection. It is so easy to be with Kate and I love how she knows how to make herself right at home!.


Kate and I mostly fell out of touch for a few years during and after college, so it's been great to get reconnected. 


This holiday, I didn't reach out to folks much to see who was going to be in town because I just didn't know how much visiting I might be up to. I had a strong urge to try to get a larger number of our group of girls together all at the same time, but that was just too much to take on this year.  I stink at 'surrendering to whatever may be', but I did this break, and it ended up working out better than I could have ever expected. 


My heart and soul feel so full from my visits with Ang and Kate. Somehow, when I struggle with loneliness, I need to find a way to hold onto the faith that my friends are never far away in spirit.


Now, after my doctor's appointment tomorrow, I think I need a couple of Pajama Days! :)


I love you both!


Blessings,


Emily

Merry Christmas!

Family Photo: Bill, Monica, Meredith, Reese, Jon, Emily, Darrell, Abbie

This year, I was able to go to my Dad and Abbie's house for a short while on Christmas day. We took our first ever family photo of our blended family. All of us together at the same time! I had the camera take 16 photos...and it was still hard to get us all smiling and looking at the camera at the same time. Still, I think we got a couple of good ones. 

Reese says "Drive, Drive, Drive!"

I also met my step-sister Meredith's son, Reese, for the very first time. During the Year of the Pajama, I just couldn't enjoy visitors or company at all. It was so great to finally meet this precious little man and get to enjoy the time with him. I didn't understand too many words he was saying, but he sure can enunciate the word "Drive"! He seems to like his John Deere as much as my dad loves his.

Dad and Abbie

Everyone ate lunch, and then I headed over to join them while they opened presents. Other than opening my (awesome) presents from Meredith and Monica, I just watched everyone else open their stuff. I felt that in order to make the visit 'doable' it would be too much for me to open presents also, so I just got to watch, see what everyone was opening, interact with folks, and be entertained by Reese.  I just would have felt so overstimulated had I tried to watch others and open gifts myself. Dad, Abbie, and I will take an afternoon later this week to open gifts together.

Meredith opens her presents and Reese's too! :) Jon is hiding over on the sofa.

As you can see there was a lot to open. Reese had no interest in opening gifts, so Meredith got double the stuff to unwrap! Dad watched Reese a lot of the time, and it was funny to see him chasing after a toddler! Either Reese is better behaved than I was as a child, or Dad has gotten to be a better 'supervisor' because the afternoon was trouble-free. :) Meredith's husband, Jon, wasn't hamming it up for the camera, so I just have this photo of Meredith.

Bill and Monica being all cute and sweet.

This is my step-sister, Monica, and her husband Bill. Monica is the beauty expert (stocked me up on nail polish. I've already painted my nails purple with my new goodies!) and Meredith is the craft queen (she stocked me up with a doable card-making project that I am super excited about).

One more of the whole family together.

Abbie puts so much time, energy and effort into the holidays, especially Christmas. She decorates, shops, cooks. It was really special to have all of us together for the first time in a very long time, and for the first time since Reese was born. I think it has been since Easter of 2009 that I was over at D and A's for a holiday. 

Hopefully, I'll be making it to more holiday celebrations in the near future, and getting to know everyone, including Reese, better. 

After opening presents, Dad drove me home. I was completely exhausted, and as always, paid a price that night, but it was worth it for the smile on Abbie's face, for seeing everyone, and for finally meeting Reese.

Hope you had a blessed Christmas day,

Emily

Photos: Guess what? I figured out how to do captions, so no need to do this labeling thing at the end now! Now, if I can just learn to use my camera better...wish the lighting wasn't so poor on our family photo!

Holiday Visit from Ang

Tuesday afternoon, Angela came over for her yearly visit. I so look forward to our in person visit each year when she makes it to this part of the country! 


Thanks for making me so happy Ang. Thanks for the goodies and good conversation. It was a perfect and wonderful visit.


Blessings,


Emily

Photo: Me and Angela

Our (Belated) Hanukkah

Hanukkah fell very early this year (early December), when Mom and I were just completely exhausted after her heart attack. We weren't at all ready for, or in the spirit of, Hanukkah.  One of the blessings of Hanukkah, however, IS the fact that it falls during the dark days of winter. The candles serve as a great light for our weary souls. I never do well this time of year, but as is always the case, the light of the candles brought great comfort. 

Mom and I have mostly stopped giving gifts for Hanukkah, and instead choose a few charities to which to donate. This takes a tremendous stress off of both of us, and feels much more enjoyable.  We lit the candles each night, said the prayers, and held hands. Asher wasn't always as observant of prayer time as he should have been! We still use the same prayers that my grandmother did, and we also marked the anniversary of her death and lit her Yahrzeit candle during Hanukkah this year.

Last Saturday, after things had calmed down a (little) bit, Mom and both longed for some sort of outing, some sort of 'normal' activity, and something fun. We're both a bit stir crazy these days!

We went for a beautiful drive in the country, while we listened to the James Taylor and Carole King CD I had given mom as a small Hanukkah gift.

Asher came along too, and I think he thoroughly enjoyed the outing. He knew to bark at the horse and buggy, but seemed completely perplexed by the free range turkeys at the farm we stopped at. 

Our destination was a local pottery shop, to pick out Mom's Hanukkah gift to me: new mugs for tea and a honey pot. I have wanted to go to this shop for a very long time (and we already own several pieces of his pottery), but had never been. I got to go with Mom, pick out the mugs (you must try them out to find the one with the perfect handle and the the glaze just the way you like it!), and chat with the owner. 

Mom also got me a tea infuser, so that I can try brewing loose tea. Another fun food to explore and learn about! I have wanted a new honey pot (ours broke), my own tea mugs, and a tea infuser for a long while now.

On our way home we stopped at an organic Amish farm to buy local farm fresh eggs as well as some raw cacao nibs, which the owner of the pottery shop raved about as a super food. We'll see. First, we have to figure out what to make with this stuff! It is interesting (and exciting) to see some of the Amish farms turning to organic farming now.

Our last stop on the way home was to take pictures of the round barn. I had trouble walking the distance needed for a good photo, but you get a sense of this beautiful structure.  As it was, I had already over done, and payed the price with a sleepless night that evening. (Grrrr....)

 I have loved this landmark ever since I was a little girl.

Mom and I felt like we created a wonderful Hanukkah memory and experience. The pottery shop is definitely a destination in and of itself. We discovered a new organic local farm. The sun was shining. We listened to good music. Asher kept us great company. Mostly, we both felt happy and relaxed!!

I love where we live. There is such bounty to be found in this area, if only we look for it.

Blessings,

Emily

Photos:  Round barn; driving through the country; purchases from our outing; round barn.

Curls

Here are the results of my first hair cut in three months, which I got last Friday...

This is only my second time seeing this new hairdresser. I went in and let her do whatever it was that she wanted to do with my hair.  She knew that I have to take a bath at night, spritz it with water in the morning, scrunch it and leave it go. No hair dryer. Only wash it every other day. Need to go long periods without being able to get a hair cut. Some days I have energy to add product, while other days I do not. 

To cut my hair well, especially with these restrictions, is no easy task! I thought she did an amazing job. Now, if only my hair was still blonde. *sigh*.

I also love that this salon uses the most earth-friendly and organic products as possible. Leaves my body with a few less toxins to fight.

I was so proud of myself for making it out of the house for a haircut. I think I forgot to put deodorant on, but otherwise, I was pretty impressed with myself for getting out of my PJs and putting make-up on! :)

The result: A happy me. And CURLS UNLEASHED! I am loving my new 'do. Amazing how much a hair cut can lift a weary spirit.

Blessings,

Emily

Photos:  Good thing Catie stopped in to walk Asher just when our neighbor brought me home. I had her snap a few photos! :)

One Month Post-Heart Attack

Today we marked one month since Mom's heart attack. 


Since her heart attack, you've probably noticed I've had a difficult time keeping up with any sort of email, blogging, or Facebooking. Our energy has gone into simply surviving our days. We are so ready to crawl into bed by 8 O'Clock at night! Mom does the basics of meal preparation, laundry, shopping, errands, taking care of me and Mr. Fuzz, and dishes, and that does her in.


We've been navigating the new health challenges, lifestyle changes and medical appointments in addition to continuing to deal with my health issues. It's difficult to explain the challenges and paradigm shifts that have been happening in our lives. We have been challenged on so many levels, sometimes to the point of struggling how to navigate our own relationship through this all.


Here's the abbreviated (and 'non-emotional') update on what's been going on the past month:

• Today we received some excellent news in the health care department. Mom's health insurer has been in negotiations with one of the major providers in town. Many people feared that this provider would no longer be covered in-network, but as of today they are. We are so incredibly relieved, as now the doctors that we most want to see will be covered. Phew!

• Originally, Mom had been scheduled to have surgery on her cervical spine today, but is now in the six-month waiting period required after a heart attack. The good news is that she had the heart attack before the surgery. Had she not, what might have happened while she was in surgery is unthinkable. The bad news is that the delay means a long wait to get pain relief and regain the lifestyle she enjoys. The biggest obstacle at this time continues to be her orthopedic challenges, which I had just planned to write about before her heart attack, so there is a bit of an update needed there! 

• We met with a new cardiologist last week. I was able to go along to listen and ask questions. The appointment was wonderful, and we both felt relieved to have better care in place. Mom is now on a fairly standard protocol of Plavix, baby aspirin, Zocor, Toprol, a calcium channel blocker, and something to deal with indigestion (Zantac/ranitidine). We had a much better understanding of what happened and where we go from here. The goal is to keep Mom alive for another 30 years, so she can be just as crabby and cantankerous as my Grandma was in her old age! :) She's finally tolerating the medication choices, with no more rash, and no more 'up all night stomach pain' from the first statin she tried. While I'm still scared that she could have another heart attack, the cardiologist reassured me that the chances of a second even any time soon were not likely.

• She's going to cardiac rehab twice a week, and gradually working up her endurance. Beyond the orthopedic issues, she's mostly fatigued and tired. Understandably.

• We still don't have answers to the source of her anemia, so she was cleared for a colonoscopy in January.  She will be in good hands with the same GI doctor who has helped me with all of my problems, including finally diagnosing my abdominal migraines. 

• Mom resigned from her job at the library after her heart attack. Since then she has also met with her financial planner, which did give us some peace of mind. We'll see if she's really retired for real this time or not! Even before she resigned we had spent a great deal of time discussing the pros and cons of her work schedule and the toll it took on our lives. Still, the resignation came suddenly and not on her own terms--financially or emotionally.  She very much misses those she worked with and the interaction with the patrons, many of whom she had gotten to know well. I miss getting all of the 'scoop' on the town! Our library is such a wonderful community institution, and we both miss being a part of it in the way we were when she worked there. 

• My own health has been poor. I am feeling awful. We are navigating the new treatment path for me at the same time we navigate Mom's new lifestyle and healing. At this point it is very difficult to sort out what is due to stress, anxiety, and depression and what is due to medication changes. I do very poorly with stress, and this has certainly been one of the most stressful and traumatic events of my life. I've been busy working on my own physical and mental health as much as possible too. Before Mom's heart attack, I was already running on empty, so it is very hard to know what is going on. I am not quite ready to blog about where I am at with things, but I have been struggling tremendously. I've had a very difficult time going online and emailing, so I apologize for my quiet, especially during a time of such love and support coming our way.

• Fuzz Face is back to sleeping with me. And Mom is back in her own bed. I finally subscribed to Netflix, and Mom and I have made it a point to watch a movie together once a week. It's one of the only things we can do together right now with how we are both feeling! We are always up for a good movie recommendation! :)

Yes, really, that is the abbreviated version. So many blogs are swimming in my head, but my body and mind have been too tired to write. 

As always, thank you to all of you who continue to support and love us in so many different ways. Currently we are very much enjoying all of the holiday snail mail, and have our piano covered in your lovely cards and photos. (I mean, what else is the piano used for these days? It makes a great display area! :)) Going to the mailbox is one of my 'favorite things', but seriously, it could be a tad bit warmer outside!

We know that this time of year can often bring a variety of emotions. Some of us love this season, finding it joyful and exhilarating, while others of us struggle with the expectations, the stress, and loss. We are certainly keeping a low-profile this holiday season!

Blessings,

Emily

Photo:  Vegetarian meal from our friend. It was AMAZING. We even fell in love with the super food kale, which Mom has tried to cook several times without us finding a way to enjoy it. This was a meal made with great care and love, and enjoyed very, very much! And look, the plate she brought was pink!

Sarah, Bob, and Lanadoodles...

On Friday afternoon we had a visit from Sarah, Bob and Lana.  Even though I feel horrible, look like crap and am always in my PJs, it felt really good to do something that felt 'normal'. I haven't been able to get distracted by anything since Mom's heart attack, but having Sarah, Bob and Lana here did the trick! 


Just today I talked to Mom about continuing to use my blog to update on how she is doing, but also returning to some sort of normalcy by blogging about topics I normally would have blogged about. The transition feels strange, but also important to moving forward with our lives.

This was my first time meeting Lana (also known as Doodles or Lanadoodles :)). It's impossible not to be cheered by her joyful personality and her big smile.  Six months is such a fun age, and Doodles let me hold her and give her a bottle. Sarah and Bob were so laid back about letting me do all of this. My ability to focus on a conversation wasn't too good...so I apologize to them for that!

While they were in town Sarah and Bob took care of shopping for treats for Asher, bringing in our mail, bringing in the trash cans and recycle bins, returning our overdue (oops!) library books, and bringing me new music to listen to (very excited about this!). They probably would have cleaned the whole house if that's what I had asked for. :P

In times like these we often don't know what it is that we need, but Sarah and Bob knew what I needed that day, and I'm so very grateful. Doodles knew too (Her shirt said: Everyone is thankful for Me. :)). 

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Sarah, Bob and Lana; Doodles flashes a smile for the camera.

Recovering

Mr. Fuzz has completely become "Mom's dog" since she has been home. He also is a huge bed hog (we think he finds the air mattress extra-comfy). 


I miss him like crazy, but it also comforts me that he is 'keeping watch' on her during the day and especially at night. I have, of course, suggested that we just need to get another dog--one for each of us. Ha! Just what mom needs when she is supposed to be reducing her stress.


We have had a very quiet weekend, thankfully. Mom is resting and recovering and trying to pace herself. Thank you for all of the awesome snail mail you've been sending to brighten our days!


I'm still struggling with a lot of anxiety and panic, and a bit of a set-back from all of the 'excitement'. I'm driving her crazy with my hypervigilence. Yes, I have emailed my doctor to see what we can do about this!


As always, we are thankful for you, at this season and always. We hope you had a blessed holiday.


Blessings,


Emily


Photo: Asher taking care of Mom. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Blessings to You!

We hope you are having a day surrounded by those you love.

We are so very grateful for YOU!

Our 'big' plan is to watch a cheesy movie together (with Asher too, of course). We're both exhausted. I haven't been able to relax at all since this happened. We're just now having a little time to talk about how this is affecting us.

We don't have much news. Mom's rash is MUCH better today and we hope this means it was the ACE inhibitor and not the Plavix. She's still extremely tired and gets fatigued easily. I'm still very, very scared and worried, but I also think we have three good 'theories' as to what is going on. It's just sorting out what's what. I think that either she is 1. dealing with some form of anemia, 2. struggling with adjusting to the medications, and/or 3. just plain exhausted from the entire experience. I also think we cannot minimize that she has not stopped being a caregiver for over 12 years and her body finally sent her a strong message. It wants some rest. And no, the cardiologist did not call today. :(

At this Thanksgiving we are grateful for many, many things. As difficult and awful as this experience is, the continued kindness of others reminds us that we can get through each day. We also know that we are blessed to be sharing this holiday together. 

Now, go enjoy your turkey and the company of those you love!

Blessings,

Emily

Mom is Home (and It Takes a Village)...

Here I am with my nightly 'news report'. I know, you just can't wait to open your email every morning for this. It beats Huffington Post, People.com, Facebook,The Onion, The Daily Beast, Salon.com, and even the NY Times. Ha! I've been so crazy lately, I think I may have kicked my addiction to Facebook! (I have not, however, kicked my pajama addiction. In fact, it seems to be worsening. :))


Anyways, Mom is home and she and Asher are asleep in the den. He decided to 'guard' her tonight. 


We don't know much more than we did yesterday, but here is what we do know:

• Mom is definitely having an allergic reaction to one of the meds. Right after the stent is inserted they start so many medications at one time it is difficult to figure out what is causing which side effects. She has already stopped the ACE inhibitor (Vasotec), but it can take up to two weeks for it to completely leave the body. Her rash covers most of her body and is still super itchy. The other possibility is the Plavix. She may start an alternative to Plavix tomorrow just to see if she can clear up the rash.
• Mom DID get to see her cardiologist today. He did a stress test on her. Because of her back and neck problems, she had to do the test in which a medication is injected to increase the heart rate. Despite the fact that she said she felt as if her head was going to explode during the test, her heart muscle, the valves, etc. look VERY GOOD. She got to see all of the pretty pictures of her heart. Everything looks good.
• She is anemic and they don't know what is going on. We have some concern about this because my uncle developed hemolysis or hemolytic anemia around the time he had his stents put it. This is an extremely rare, but dangerous, form of anemia. The cardiologist took the anemia very seriously and did a bunch of specialized tests. Mom's looking kinda yellow. 
• We have no answers as to the cause of her angina-type symptoms, except that she has not had any since yesterday (good news!). The cardiologist said that if the symptoms were truly angina the nitroglycerin would help immediately. He doesn't feel her symptoms are heart-related, but we also don't have alternative answers other than something like indigestion. :P EVERY doctor that Mom saw (ER, hospitalists, cardiologist) said that angina was NOT normal after having a stent placed, so we were rightfully concerned.
• The cardiologist wrote on his OWN notepad to call Mom personally tomorrow to see how she was feeling. Keep your fingers crossed!

The nurses all reassured Mom that she absolutely made the right decision to go to the ER. Understandably, she's just frustrated with all of the waiting and another hospital stay, but Oh, how she reminds me of my grandmother and my uncle. They are all very crabby patients! 

We are also learning that Mom is a lot like me when it comes to medication sensitivities, and we will need to have patience as we try to find what she is going to tolerate and what is going to help her to feel better. As even Mom will admit, patience is NOT her middle name.

She also has a follow-up next week with the PA, but her cardiologist said he would be in the office also that day, as Mom mentioned that she did not feel comfortable with the PA. 

Mom seems much less 'rattled' than I am over all of this. Whether rational or not, I worry that she won't wake up in the morning...

Tonight our neighbor delivered a home cooked meal of salmon, rice and asparagus already served on plates. I am so grateful to my friend who suggested the Take Them a Meal site! (Note: If you emailed me for a password to our site and I never got back to you...um, could you remind me? I know, this is embarrassing!)  It was the first time Mom and I ate a meal and actually enjoyed it since this all happened. We both wanted to lose weight, but this wasn't quite the way we had planned to do so! Food tasted good tonight, and we took that as a good sign for both of us. Dad also made me eggs for lunch, which he was very proud of. :)

I never end a post these days without expressing our gratitude for each and every one of you. I want to thank you all for reaching out in many different ways. We truly have been surrounded by a village, one that I think we never truly trusted we had.  I think we've felt so busy surviving and taking care of ourselves, that we don't feel we give back in the ways we wish we could. So, the generosity that continues to come our way often feels 'undeserved', and is certainly overwhelming and humbling. 

Thank you to each of you for doing what you are good at, whether it is prayer, emotional support or physical support. All are equally valued.

Without Mom home, I rely on help for almost everything from helping to get out meals, feeding Asher, letting him out, etc. Today, we were blessed with a grocery delivery, a Farmer's market delivery, a dog groomer pick up and drop off for Asher, and dinner, as well as continued help from Dad and Abbie. While today had to be spent focusing on the physical needs of the house, emotional support continued to come in--through cards, flowers, emails and calls. Mom was so excited to come home to cards and flowers after her not-so-pleasant hospital stay. I want to thank those of you who continue to email, call and text with support, understanding, information, and love. I have not been able to do much email beyond taking care of coordinating things...  

Thank you to ALL of you for being our village.

May your Thanksgiving be blessed, peaceful, full of gratitude, and spent surrounded by those you love most.

Blessings, 

Emily

Mom Readmitted...

Hello Friends and Family!


Despite our hopes for no more 'excitement', Mom is back in the hospital. Dad took her to the ER at 4 in the afternoon, and she was finally taken to her room sometime after 9:30. To say is she is not a happy camper is putting it mildly! She feels that it was a mistake to go the ER, but she's been overruled by everyone else. :P


Unfortunately, she hasn't gotten any answers, they didn't speak to a cardiologist yet, and she won't see someone until the morning.


It's been a frustrating day. She continues to have an itchy rash that has spread from her core to her arms and legs body and has not improved despite stopping two of the medications and taking a lot of benedryl. 


Of biggest concern is the continued angina attacks, which are occurring 2-3 times a day and the fact that she feels so lousy overall. When she called the pharmacist this afternoon to refill her nitroglycerin they were alarmed at how many tablets she had needed in such a short time. Thank goodness for good pharmacists. The ER doctor was also concerned. I think this was the primary reason for her being admitted.The angina attacks are what have really had me feeling on edge and on the verge of panic. (I know, this doesn't help anyone or anything.)


Other than showing a little anemia on her blood work, other work ups appear normal at this point. 


We're so frustrated because Mom had already called regarding the rash yesterday and was told to stop two of her medications. When she called to follow-up this morning at 11 AM, the nurse seemed very attentive and assured Mom she would speak with the cardiologist and get back to her. After we did not hear back and had also spoken to the pharmacist, Mom called again at 3 PM at which time they said they hadn't spoken to anyone yet. She called again at 4 PM at which time the nurse asked her if she had requested an appointment. What? No. We had been told they would speak to the cardiologist and get back to us. He was up at the hospital when she had called at 11. 


The rest of the conversation wasn't pretty. Mom was told that she should go to the ER or she could be seen by the PA at 10:00 tomorrow morning. We're terribly frustrated to have had to make an ER trip, when we took all measures to get in touch with the office and they still sent her to the ER during office hours. 


Her cardiologist is very good. It's just getting messages TO him that is the challenge.


I have been a patient for 12 1/2 years. Mom has been one for a week. I hate watching her go through the same frustrations that I do and watching how hard it is to advocate for yourself when you are so confused and tired and exhausted and overwhelmed. It's so frustrating to be told they will speak to the doctor and then they don't. The whole day is spent waiting for the phone to ring. And it ends with no answers.


Dad took Mom to the ER, and again, Jeannine was there to be with Mom when the doctor came in to see her. Jeannine will be on duty again all day. I know she's the person to do this all, but it is so much to ask of one person. Plus, she has to deal with all of my panic! 


Dad and Abbie came over tonight to help me and will again help tomorrow. Asher got a walk with the neighbor girl today, a friend is grocery shopping for us tomorrow, another is going to the market, another is bringing dinner, and we have been getting some wonderful snail mail. We will never be able to repay the kindness we are receiving. 


In my world, I'm feeling pretty awful physically.  And I'm very scared, worried, and overwhelmed. I feel so helpless. I feel like I should 'know better' what to do. I miss Mom and I hate not being able to take her to the ER or be at the hospital with her.


May your Thanksgiving week be MUCH more peaceful and healthy! 


And as always, thank you for your continued prayers, su.pport, and love...


Blessings,


Emily

Weekend Update

Hello Family and Friends!


Mom and Asher have already hit the sack. I'm here with the update! :)


We're still navigating things, trying to figure out what's what, and trying to recuperate. Mom has continued to have episodes that we think may be angina. The nitroglycerin seems to help. We've been using it, but we need to learn when to use it and when not to--I don't want to keep handing it out to her like candy! She has episodes at predictable times each day. She's also having an allergic reaction to one of the medications, so she has a nice itchy rash all over her middle. The on-call doctor had her stop her Ace Inhibitor and Lipitor until she can get checked out.


Looks like she'll probably be heading to the doctor again tomorrow! I think I come by  my med sensitivities and complications honestly! :P Of course, I've had about 12 years to get used to this, and she's used to being healthy as a horse. 


It is a bit overwhelming to have two 'patients' in the house. I'm trying to navigate an entirely new path medically for my treatment, and we are trying to learn about all of the things we need to do for Mom's health. Mostly, right now we just want to REST, but it's hard to get it when our bodies don't always cooperate!


Saturday we both completely crashed out in the living room together. We 'watched' the football game (mostly we slept). She's been sleeping pretty well--much better than me, as I'm the hypervigilent one.


Today, Mom said she 'felt like a human being' for the first time since her heart attack. And overall she did much better today. This was very encouraging. 


We also felt well enough to watch a movie together, which was such a nice 'normal' thing to do and a good distraction. It was the first time I've been able to be distracted since this all happened. And, we both felt hungry for the first time today. We had been living on Scott's chicken soup and applesauce as nourishment for body and soul. Today we branched out a bit. :)


So, that's the update for now! 


Continued thanks for EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! 


Blessings,


Emily

Friday Night Check-In

Hello from our camp out in my room! 


Mom is already snoring away, after watching some Martha Stewart.  Asher is again keeping watch on her side of the bed. 


Last night was a long night. Mom slept, but I was feeling so anxious I didn't sleep much at all. I was extremely unsettled about what happened right before her discharge. Thankfully, a friend who is also a doctor, emailed me and validated my concern for what happened. Jeannine, too, was very upset. 


Actually, when Mom had her episode, she had already signed her discharge papers--so I think the nurse did not want to deal with the possibility of re-admitting her, etc. and calling the doctor. He overstepped by giving her Zofran for symptoms that were classic heart attack symptoms. (She wasn't just having a little bit of nausea).


Mom called the doctor this morning but was unable to get through. Thankfully, as soon as they received the report from the hospital that an 'episode' had happened right before she left the hospital, one of the nurses from the cardiologists office called to express her concern and see how Mom was feeling. They were NOT happy that a doctor had not been called. 


Mom went to see the PA this afternoon, had another EKG and some blood work. The PA thought the event may have been med-related, but we really aren't convinced of this. He lowered her dose of Lipitor and the beta-blocker based on some of the side effects she is having, including low blood pressure. Upon standing she had numbers like me! :P She is very weak and tired which is to be expected, but we also think some of it is from the medication. We're thankful she was seen before the weekend.


The PA said the the risk of a second heart attack is highest within the first 24 hours after a stent is placed, and then again after six months when the scar tissue is forming. The risk now should be very minimal. 


We have a new 'normal' and a new lifestyle to get used to. And tonight we have the nitroglycerin on hand. Mom is a terrible patient! And I am learning how easy it is to go into caregiver mode and not take care of myself. I really hope that I can learn to sleep again! It's difficult now to know what to worry about and what not to. Tonight she woke up complaining of indigestion (something new and more frequent in the last month), and I didn't know if it was the side effects of the Lipitor of if I should give her a nitroglycerin. She seems to have fallen back to sleep...


We are hoping for a peaceful weekend of resting, wearing pajamas, watching some TV, and eating the wonderful soup and applesauce we have here. 


I can't ever say thank you enough for the prayers, the food, the rides,the grocery shopping, the laundry-doing, the messages, the love...we have been so blessed during this time and always. I started reading some of your emails and messages to mom today and will hopefully do more of that this weekend.


If you don't get any blog updates assume no news is good news and that Mom and I are just getting in some recuperation time. My ANS is an unhappy camper!


If you are still looking for ways to help from in town or out of town, please head over to www.takethemameal.com. Shoot me an email for our password. Mom thinks she's going to be ready to do things right quick. :P I told you she is a difficult patient!


Blessings,


Emily

Mom is Home! And How to Help...

Mom is HOME!!!!

She got home about 6:00 tonight. So, I'm signing in for my nightly report!

Right now she's asleep in my bed. We have been cuddling and resting. We crawled into bed very early, at which time she said "I feel pretty awake". Ha! Within about five minutes she was snoring. Asher is lying right next to her side of the bed. I think he missed her too, and is worried!

She can only do stairs 2-3 times a day, so for now she's up here with me. 

I haven't come down from 'hypervigilent mode' (even though I know this is supposed to be Asher's job!). I am a nervous wreck and getting a feel for what I've put Mom through over the years! 

Just after the doctor came to see Mom and discharge her, she had an episode similar to those she had been having leading up to her heart attack: Nausea, flushing, and chest tightness. It was also at the exact same time of day she had an episode Monday evening. The nurse gave her Zofran and still sent her home. She said the episode really scared her, and both of us feel unsure about whether she should have been able to come home. But the nurse did not call the doctor and still sent her home. If any of my doctor friends who have offered heir expertise have any advice or things I should know, please tell me! I'm so scared right now!

She has promised me that she will wake me (if I ever fall asleep anyways!) immediately if she has any symptoms and we will call 911. We haven't gotten her nitroglycerin or baby aspirin yet because she got home so late. None of this calling 911 and leaving without telling me! As of now she has not had any more symptoms and is sleeping. I'm praying hard we have a peaceful night.

The wonderful offers for help and support continue to come in. Today I wasn't able to do as much as I had hoped, as I finally crashed out after the adrenaline from the past two days subsided a bit. It was the first day that I felt so unable to cope with having Mom away and needing things done. I called our neighbor, who is so motherly to me, just to hear her voice. She kept saying: "What do you need?" I said: "I don't know." She said: "Well, do you need me to do your laundry?" Bingo! That was what I needed today. So, a laundry fairy came to get my laundry! :) Oh, and that 'fairy' gave good 'Mommy hugs' too. I also feasted on food from others.

I was able to set up a site on Take Them a Meal. This site allows people to sign up for meals, see what sort of things we need, see what other folks are bringing, etc. In the 'directions' area I have also listed some other things that we may need help with such as grocery shopping, so I will update that as I am able. I will know more after Mom and I have more time to go over her restrictions and limitations. I feel very scared about protecting both of us health-wise and not overdoing it. If you have called and offered help or a listening ear and I haven't gotten back to you yet, please know that we will continue to reach out and need help over a period of time so the fact that we may not have been in touch yet does not mean that you aren't needed or appreciated!

The site is www.takethemameal.com. You will be asked to enter our last name and a password, so you will need to email me for that information, as this blog is not a place that I want to publish any information that gives personal details about our address, last name, when we are home or not home, places of employment, etc.

I'll try to get out more information as I'm able. We are hoping for some quiet time together to rest and recuperate from the 'excitement' of the past three days.

Right now, I just want to be with Mom. And I want to make it through the night with her safe. 

Blessings,

Emily

The Mom Update...

Hello Friends and Family!


Mr. Fuzz and I are missing Mom like crazy. I've talked to her four times today! She is very ready to fly the coop, but we are not sure if she is going to get to come home on Thursday or not. Boo!  


I guess the first 3-4 days after a stent is placed are the highest risk time for any complications from the stent such as a heart attack. In some ways, it gives me comfort to know that she is being monitored so closely. Yet, I know she's really ready to come home. And, it's not like the hospital is a good place to get any rest. It's boring, but also not at all restful. 


She is still in the ICU with a wonderful view of the roof and air conditioner. Too bad because the hospital is actually positioned so that many of the rooms have a beautiful view of the mountains. The only reason she was not transferred to PCU today was because there were no rooms available. The one nice thing about the ICU is that she doesn't have a roommate. But she has to deal with being tethered to the wall all of the time. 


We don't have a lot of news to report. The cardiologist she saw today said that he would consider Mom's 'incident' a heart attack based on her EKG. I'm not sure what to make of this technicality. In the end, what we need to do to make sure we don't have any more 'incidents' is the same, regardless. And the fact that her heart is in good shape is the good news. Also, they were able to insert the cath through her wrist, rather than her groin which reduces the risk of bleeding complications. And if bleeding does occur, it's easier to catch because it's in the wrist.


I'm starting to get more details of what actually happened the night she called the ambulance. And more details of the symptoms she had been having leading up to that night. She definitely fit the classic women's heart attack symptoms, especially with the nausea (she is never nauseous!).


Thanks to the folks who brought food and did a grocery run today! Hooray! Thanks to Dad and Abbie who put in more hours today. Abbie is really helping to keep the house 'running' by loading and unloading the dishwasher, picking up, etc. and also helping me get my hair washed. D and A have been feeding Fuzz Face, letting him out, and all that good stuff.


Thankfully I got a good night's sleep last night. The wonderful thing is that I can call the ICU at any time and get an update on Mom. So I did this last night at 1 AM right before I wanted to go to sleep. When the nurse told me how well Mom was doing I felt like I could go to sleep. I knew Jeannine would be there early in the morning. 


I am going to do the same thing tonight!


Continued thanks to the many people who have called, emailed, texted, and gchatted me today. It's really keeping me going and sustaining me to have news and support from you all. I'm completely overwhelmed by your continued kindness. 


I so appreciate the offers for help, and for letting me know what things you feel comfortable doing. I hope to have a more quiet day tomorrow where I can write down who has offered to do what jobs and figure out what kind of help we might need. Sometimes I just don't know what it is that we need! :P I know many of you who are far away are feeling especially challenged with how to help...but your emails, texts, prayers, and support ARE helping! :)


Blessings,


Emily

Update with Good News and Many Thanks!

Dear Friends and Family!


I don't even know where to start. I've slept about 6 hours in the past 36 hours, so I'm beyond exhausted. But wanted to get out an update to let you know what we know right now. First, an update on how things are going, and then some more details on the help I think we will need as we've been blessed with an abundance of generous offers. I wish I could respond to all of you individually, but right now that is not possible. Know that I've cried and smiled a lot today because of the love we're receiving. We are so blessed by you!


The very good news is that it appears that Mom did NOT have a heart attack. While in the ambulance it went down to 16 beats a minute, but never stopped. She never lost blood flow to the brain. Her heart muscles looked good and her enzyme levels did also. She literally called the ambulance just in time. 


The cardiologist said she was 'trying very hard' to have a heart attack. :P I think, in fact, she's been on the verge of one for a while now. Right now I'm just thanking God she called the ambulance when she did, because she literally lost consciousness right as they were pulling up to the hospital entrance. 


Still,l I noticed when I was able to get out of bed today that she had somehow seen my note asking her to bring some cough drops upstairs to me. I think she went back downstairs AFTER calling the ambulance and brought them up for me. That is just classic Mom. I even watched her WALK out the door with the EMT at 4 AM.


She also kept waiting to call the ambulance because she didn't want to wake me up. She was trying to wait until morning. Oh my.  I want her alive more than I want my sleep! My biggest fear is losing my mom, so this experience has been terrifying. I am still in fear mode.


I'm fighting the coulda, woulda, shoulda's right now....we have a lot to learn from what happened, but right now we just need to get through this time.


I've gotten to hear her voice three times today. This was wonderful. She sounded really good this morning, but exhausted tonight. 


The AMAZING woman known to all of you as Jeannine, and to me as my 'sister' and best friend and to my mom as a 'second daughter', has been up since 4 AM and with my Mom every step of the way. She called me constantly with updates, she popped in and out of Mom's room all day long (she works at the hospital), she spoke with the cardiologist and the neurosurgeon (Mom was scheduled to have surgery on her neck on December 16th), she told the doctors about Mom's med sensitivities and family history, she took care of my emotions, she sat with Mom during meals, and well, just did it all. 


It stinks not being able to be there with Mom, but I honestly think Jeannine is a hundred times better at doing this than I am! :P Sadly, that is from too much experience with her own mom.


I also could not have made it through the night without my friend, Kristen, who I met through DINET. I was so scared and alone and she was awake. She spent those morning hours on gchat with me. I desperately wanted to pray, and she prayed with me over gchat! She also knows a lot about cardiology and the heart, so she could talk me through what was happening to my mom. The blessing of her presence got me through.


Soooo, I think that Mom will get to come home Thursday. She is still in ICU for the night, but will be moved to PCU (Progressive Care) tomorrow. She will like having a few less wires I am sure.


Abbie took care of me and Asher today. Dad was scheduled to go to a conference in SF from Wednesday to Saturday, and has cancelled his trip, so I have people to be here with me right now when I need it. Dad is not good at anything domestic, but he can be good at just 'being' and hanging out. :) Abbie is doing the domestic work. I am sure Dad's sisters are laughing at this right about now. 


I have not been able in any way to respond to the overwhelming amount of support we are receiving. Getting your text messages, blog responses, phone messages, and emails all throughout the day really helped me to feel less alone. I really appreciated those of you who shared stories of your own parents going through something similar and doing well now. I needed to hear that! I also appreciated the many offers to be a listening ear....I will probably have to take you up on that soon! You also helped me to feel less afraid of getting the support we need when Mom comes home. We are going to need to learn to ask for help. I also can't wait to tell her about all of the messages and make her smile!


Your offers to do everything from walk the dog to cook have been so very generous and overwhelming. I am not sure where to start or how to ask! I don't know what we will need or what Mom's restrictions will be, but I anticipate the biggest thing we may need is food--meals ready to go or freeze and groceries--especially over the next couple of weeks. Otherwise, we may need rides to appointments. For those of you who are enthusiastic about walking Asher, I am sure he would enjoy a walk, as he probably almost forgets what that is by now. Poor guy.


Right now we have two pots of soup on the way. I requested some Jewish penicillin (chicken soup) from our neighbor when he asked what he could make. And Rebekah has a pot of Tuscan bean soup (or something like that) on the way tomorrow also. We have fresh pears and apples coming. And homemade applesauce already arrived. I haven't felt like eating much today...so the soups are sounding very good and I think they will go down easy when Mom comes home and is tired.


I think this should get us through the weekend. Many of you have asked about food, and what my restrictions are. I cannot eat gluten or dairy, but a tiny trace of either will not be a problem. We eat a lot of fresh fruits and veggies, organic foods, lean meats, fish, etc. 


I have no experience running the house or being head of the household, so I'm slightly lost and overwhelmed! I need to try to make a grocery list with the special foods I eat from Wegman's so we'll have some of those items around. So, I am looking for someone comfortable with going to Wegman's for some of the foods that I eat (I will make a very detailed list of the gluten-free items). 


Otherwise, I'm focused on getting meals lined up.


I was so scared (and still am) about managing things so that Mom is less overwhelmed when she gets home. I am scared about managing with two people who are so limited in functioning. 


First though, I just want her home. I want her healing well. I want to hug and kiss her. I'm still in the freaking out/hypervigilent mode! 


I am completely at a loss for how to thank you all for your continued kindness and generosity. Thank you to everyone near and far, who offered both emotional support and physical support in a multitude of ways. We are truly, truly blessed to have people like you in our lives. Thank you so much for all of your prayers for my mom. Just as Kristen was praying about a catheterization, Mom was taken back to the cath lab. So, please keep your prayers for her coming! 


Blessings,


Emily