Where's the Recovery Button?

Me and Dr. Surgeon stylin' pre-op. 

First the good news:  I am officially stitch-free and the incision is healing well. I'm really not experiencing much soreness where the port was removed and am already sleeping on my left side again. Being able to sleep on my left side so soon after surgery makes a huge difference. It is a much different experience than the discomfort from having a foreign object inserted into the body.

Before my surgery, the surgeon agreed to participate in a little photo shoot. He has really gone above and beyond for me during my gallbladder removal, port insertion and port removal. I'm surprised that he is still willing to operate on me after he was paged at 2 AM to come to the ER after my gallbladder was removed!

Mom had an epidural a week ago, which along with the neurontin, actually seems to be bringing her some level of pain relief. She is at least not rating her pain as a 9/10 now. Yesterday she had an endoscopy to see how her bleeding ulcer was healing. Ta da! It is gone! :)

If it seems like all we do is go to doctors appointments and procedures, well, it seems that way to us too!

Now for the not so good news:  Recovery beyond the actual location of the incision has been a different story. In fact, I think they forgot to push the 'recovery button' after surgery. If you know anything about the location of this button, please let me know! For those of you who follow me on Facebook you have already heard me whining about how lousy I feel...but I did want to get an update out for friends and family who might think I have otherwise dropped off the face of the earth.

I am one week and one day post surgery and have been feeling pretty much as awful as I did during the Year of the Pajama. So far, I have seen very little, if any improvement. Right after surgery, I probably had a Herxheimer reaction from the antibiotics because I experienced two days of pain covering every inch of my body throughout my muscles and joints.

Since that settled down I have done very little other than eat small amounts (nothing sounds very good right now) and sleep. I have not been able to engage in any of the activities that usually distract me from feeling lousy, such as TV or books on tape. I've been relying on my Smartphone to check in with the world in little bits and pieces. I've been rediscovering some of my music on my iPod. I did get to watch a little TV the past couple of days, so that is progress! Pushing to engage in an activity (like I am doing right now) just makes me feel sicker. We all know I am not feeling well when I'm too tired to talk!

Okay, so I'm just going to come out and say that basically I'm miserable. And feeling totally blind-sided by how sick I still am post-surgery. It is difficult to do anything other than literally survive. I just finished operating in survival mode for over a year while on the Rocephin. I do not quite have the emotional stamina for another round of this. I will say that I have been doing a better-than-usual job of honoring my body's clear orders to rest and sleep, but it is soooo hard! Last night, as I was listening to my healing well from surgery meditation CD, I found myself saying to the narrator, 'Shut up!'. Guess I need to give that CD a little rest.

I put in a call to Dr. Complex just to let him know what was going on. I continue to be so impressed by his office and its staff. I spoke with his nurse, who gave me the news that it could take me up to six weeks to start to feel better. It can take that long to clear the anesthesia from the body. She said the most I can do is try to eat healthy and listen to my body. And wait.

I also spoke to the nurse today at the surgeon's office while she was removing my stitches. She also felt that it could take me a good six weeks to really turn around. She felt that the more compromised our bodies are to begin with the harder it can be to come back from surgery. How 'fluffy' we are can also impact the speed that anesthesia clears the body.

Both nurses were very empathetic and took me very seriously. I was just a bit disappointed in the news!

When I considered getting the port removed, I heard 'outpatient surgery' and '20 minutes' and just a little 'conscious sedation'. I thought, 'this will be a piece of cake!'. Oh, Emily, Emily, Emily. My kind friends have reminded me that surgery is a quite unnatural thing for the body to endure.

I KNOW it was the right decision to get the port removed. I am not using it. Getting it flushed monthly is a hassle. I don't like the physical look of it. And most of all, if I'm not using this foreign object in my body it needs to go. I don't want to risk getting an infection in my port.

I'm just terribly disappointed. There is nothing romantic or glamorous about being sick and 'resting' day in and day out. It is boring, exhausting, uncomfortable, discouraging, lonely, sad and isolating. I don't know how to explain it, but as my friend R says, 'Beings sick is hard work!' It has been so hard not be able to watch TV or to be able to communicate with my friends and family other than through FB check-ins.

And while I do my best to take things one day at a time, I admit that I had begun to look forward to the coming month. Before surgery life had become bearable again with moments of joy and even fun. I was regularly going to the Farmer's market with Mom, listening to a complicated book on CD (which now sits unfinished), enjoying more complicated movies, shopping for new Spring non-Pajama clothes, doing little bits of yoga stretches, and overall feeling a bit more human. My days were still hard and still a struggle, but so much better than they had been during the Year of the Pajama.

Mom is officially scheduled to have her cervical fusion done on May 17th (more on this to come), so we were eagerly anticipating a trip down to Dr. Complex (we make these into mini-vacations with a nice hotel room, a nice dinner, and just a little time away from the house. We were even hoping for a stop at the outlet mall to one or two stores.) as well as some time without a lot of scheduled appointments. We had really begun to look forward to and feel excited about spending some time together before her surgery. Time that wasn't with me being so sick.

I will be blogging as much as I am able in between resting. I've definitely pushed it to the limits tonight trying to write this, but I've also been so sad to be so out of touch with all of my peeps. I miss you all and miss being engaged in your lives. Thanks to all of you who faithfully check up on me on Facebook, text me, and email me in spite of my silence on the other end. Your news from the outside world provides much sustenance during the long days right now. I am soooo glad my Dad and Abbie got me a Droid to keep me connected. 

I do wish I had better news to report. However, by NOT saying how discouraging this experience has been I was finding myself more and more lonely and isolated. Thanks for listening, and thanks for your love and support.

Blessings,

Emily