Signs of Spring

Spring was definitely in the air here today. 

Lately, I've been feeling a great deal of unrest (as Jeannine puts it). I'm longing and striving for a greater sense of peace, but not finding it.  Over the years, I've come to understand that these times come and go in waves. They are part of the process. But, when I am in one of these places, it is very difficult to see out of it.

Yesterday I thought I might lose it. Ever since increasing my dose of Zithromax, I have had a more difficult time 'catching a break' from the herxes because I don't get the same break between my shots. I have also had an overwhelming number of appointments lately, and more are coming in April.

Recently I talked with Rebekah about balance. Sick or not sick, we all struggle with feeling overwhelmed, finding balance, making time for ourselves and for leisure. What Rebekah remarked on for me related to finding a balance between working to get better and living whatever life I do have. I'm still a work and progress, that is for sure! So today I 'worked' on leisure a bit.

Yesterday was a day spent raging and angry at my body and its limitations. Anger seemed to be my 'theme' yesterday.  I found that everything set me off:  the advertisements in the mail made me long to be fit or wear cute skirts and shoes, the paint samples made me want to be able to paint a swatch on the wall myself; the piles of papers in the sunroom that I know stress my mom out made me angry that I didn't have the energy to pick them up; dinner made me wish I could cook for my mom for a change; all of the people outside walking/jogging/biking/doing yard work made me want to be doing the same thing. No matter what it was, how frivolous or ridiculous it was, I was mad about it! It's an awful head space to be in and hate it--spending time thinking about the things I want instead of the things I already have.  I was a royal grump!

I realized after Jeannine pulled me partway out of the gutter of low self-esteem, that as she says, if we allow the enormity of our situations to sink in we will literally collapse. I've been feeling as if I am at a tipping point. That I might just collapse. That I might just pull the covers over my head. 

Finally, I told myself that the next six weeks will be very difficult with the number of important appointments I have.  But I can also ease up a bit after that on appointments. The Lyme treatment, on the other hand, isn't easing up any time soon. 

In order to avoid collapse, I really do have to remind myself to take one day, one moment at a time and not look ahead too far. Today was about doing just that.

Today, I made myself engage in activities that help to quiet my spirit. I sat in the sunroom and knitted until the sun made it's way to the back patio. Jeannine stopped over.  I was able to walk with her for a short little walk. After she left, I sat on the porch eating a snack, watching Asher hang out, and soaking in some much needed sunshine.  

As I sat there, realizing how much of a fog I have been in, I tried to find a way to 'see' all that was right in front of me. Sometimes, using my camera is way of almost forcing myself to absorb the beauty of the day around me, when I can't otherwise see it.

So, I made a little journey around to the front yard where all of the bulbs are popping up. Crocuses, daffodils, a hyacinth and one thing that I'm not sure what it is! I must have looked like a crazy person lying in the grass trying to get close ups of the little sprouts in the ground. I love watching our yard through the seasons. I love watching the flowers and trees bloom. 

After I came in, I was able to take a nap, something that has evaded me for the past three days.  

Tonight, Rebekah was here for my weekly massage with her. While she was here, I felt her baby kick! I think I felt the baby kick four times. Each week Rebekah has been trying to get the baby to kick for me. I think this may be the first time I've ever felt a baby kick like that. It was a very special moment for me.  As always, I had a fantabulous massage and actually found myself with a relatively quiet mind.

Lastly, I went down the stairs to see Mom and Asher. It's been years since I've gone downstairs to be with Mom. (I think she may grow tired of this new interest on my part since she really likes her 'space'!).  Still, the last two nights I was able to go down to be with her and cuddle. I may be thirty-something, but I still love snuggle time. I crawled under the covers next to Mom. Asher does not like to be excluded from his 'heard', so he had to jump up too. So, there the three of us were--all in a row on our left sides. Eventually, Mom fell asleep snoring on one side of me and Asher fell asleep snoring on the other side of me. I left soon after that!

I'm topping off the night with some blogging, as I've fallen away from my blog the past week and I know I need to find my way back.

Tomorrow begins another week of appointments and treatments. Today was about reminding myself why I keep going to and through them.

Blessings,

Emily

P.S. Sorry for a touch of a downer post on a Monday.  Part of the reason I haven't blogged is because I didn't want to post some of this stuff...but well, I'm risking it.  I have some 'fun' posts planned next!

Photos:  Crocus; Daffodils; More crocuses?; Not quite sure about the last two photos!