June 18, 2008: A Beautiful Ritual for My Ten Year Anniversary

With the help and support of so many of you, I was able to use your collective ideas to create what turned out to be a most beautiful, peaceful and healing ritual for my ten year anniversary.

Since my anniversary fell on the day after my bicillin injection, I spent most of the day in bed, but at 8:00 in the evening Mom, Jeannine, and I participated in the rituals to mark my anniversary.

First, I purged negative feelings and emotions.

Earlier in the week, I wrote down the emotions that I so often feel throughout this illness:

Grief, Anger, Loss, Sadness, Guilt, Fear.

Later, I typed up the list with the emotion in large letters. Underneath each word I listed things that I specifically grieved, feared, was angry about, etc. Sometimes the word itself was enough, and no further words were needed. But for some of the emotions, I needed to put into writing some of the things I feel I am so often expected not to say or even think. Will I ever get better? Will I ever be able to get married? To have children? To work? To read a book again? To feel alive in my body? (I won't list them all here because they are too painful to put out there for all to read!)

Jeannine suggested that something must be burned as part of the ritual. After I typed and printed out the words and lists, I cut the paper into strips--each piece of paper containing one emotion. Jeannine held a lit candle over a metal mixing bowl filled with a small amount of water, as I burned each slip of paper. I spoke each word aloud and then watched it burn, the little bits of leftover paper falling into the bowl of water.

By the time Wednesday arrived, I found that I was already feeling peaceful about the anniversary. I had done so much of the preparing of the ritual, as well as the grieving itself, in advance. So, by the time I burned the emotions, I had already begun to let go of them. I had already 'purged' so much of the grief by writing what I felt. The finality of watching each p word turn into nothingness was incredibly healing.

Later, I told Mom and Jeannine we should really burn things more often! (Even though Jeannine and I have a huge fear of fire!)

After purging the emotions related to grief, anger, loss, etc. the ritual shifted to one of peace and healing. I referenced a book called Jewish Paths Towards Healing and Wholeness for tips and based the rest of the ritual somewhat on a Jewish healing ceremony. Much of the rest of the ritual came from my friend, Marla.

To transition from the purging process to the healing process, we used the glass bowl pictured above and used the ritual of hand-washing which is often used in Jewish tradition. Mom washed my hands placed in a new, clean bowl with clean water.

We emptied the bowl of the now 'dirtied' water, filling it again with pure water.

Then began the healing ritual.

I placed six floating candles in the bowl. I also placed 10 words in the bowl. I chose 10 words (one for each year I have been sick) that I pray for in the next year:

Peace, Love, Healing, Surrender, Balance, Gratitude, Patience, Strength, Joy, and Hope.

Each of us lit a white candle and said a Jewish prayer of healing for me.

Then, we each lit a purple candle and said a Jewish prayer of healing for others in need of healing. We each took a moment of silence to pray for those we most wanted to pray for, including Jeannine's mom who is terminally ill with cancer. I prayed for my DINET friends and for so many other people.

The entire ritual turned out beautifully. The last candle went out almost four hours later. At first, I felt almost silly creating such an elaborate ritual focused on myself and my anniversary. In the end though, I can't emphasize enough how much the act of ritual itself is healing and important. When we find ourselves in a place and time when it feels difficult to draw close to God, ritual helps us to do so.

Having Jeannine here served as a calming and reassuring force for both my mom and myself. She has travelled this road with me, and now travels a heart wrenching road with her mother. In some ways, I think we healed together that day. And we created a ritual that we both can come back to again for both of us.

The candles, as Mommy Bev suggested, can serve (and did serve) as an external reminder of the light that shines within me--even when that light seems as if it is only an ember.

I will buy myself more floating candles. I will cut out the words that I offer to God, and when I feel that I need an external reminder of what is inside of me, I will burn a floating candle and place one word in the bowl with it.

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Six candles for healing of myself and all others in need of healing, as well as the 10 words I asked God to bless me with this year. The second photo (which Jeannine took) shows how gorgeous the candles looked glowing through the glass.