Cultivating Gratitude

Spring Plantings

When November rolls around, many of us start posting on Facebook our 30 days of Thankfulness. Last year, when blogging was more difficult, I really enjoyed taking the time each day to publicly post a source of gratitude.

This year, I have decided to try to blog as much as possible about the many amazing things (big and small) that have happened over the past several months--things that I have yet to blog about and want to before year's end. They are things that have brought me so much joy and for which I am GRATEFUL. 

That Turned Into This!

I can definitely whine, complain, cry, be angry, be sad, be overwhelmed, and be everything unpleasant that comes with both being human and being chronically ill. Still, in the midst of all of these times, I typically maintain a deep sense of gratitude. 

I remember the day I left the hospital after my gallbladder surgery. I've never felt more like dying than I did that year. As we left the hospital parking lot, I said to Mom: look at that beautiful sunset.

She said to me in return: it's amazing that you are even able to notice that in the midst of how awful you feel.

Our Yard

I speak often and openly about how blessed I am. About the family and friends who support me. Over and over and over again. I'm immeasurably blessed. Every. Single. Day.

Sedum in Fall

What I've just recently learned, however, is that with this gratitude often comes a sense of feeling guilty or like a burden. 

For example, I might use the following sentences:

I'm so grateful that my Dad and Abbie provide so much financial assistance, BUT I'm so sorry that I have been such a burden to them and that they have to do this at all.

I'm so grateful that my friends sent me so many wonderful cards and gifts for my birthday. Did they do this because they love me or because they feel sorry for me? 

I'm so grateful my mom is my caregiver and my best friend, BUT I wonder if she would be happier if I wasn't around? If she didn't have to take care of me? I feel guilty that my illness so deeply affects her quality of life.

I'm so grateful for all of the amazing comforts I have in life, BUT I feel guilty that I have these things and others do not.

I'm so grateful for my medical team, BUT I feel guilty that not everyone has the same team.

Yeah, you get the gist.

New Oak Leaf Hyndrangeas

My therapist said to me: Emily, if you spend your life thinking this way, you are screwed! :)

Bottom line: I must embrace gratitude for gratitude's sake. 

Feeling guilty or burdensome are not part of gratitude.

Pretty at All Times of the Day

After 15 years of being sick, I've experienced more kindness, more receiving, more generosity than can ever be repaid. 

I feel that I could write a thank you note every single day and never thank all of the people who have touched my life, gone out of their way for me, helped me, gifted me, or been kind to me. Most of the time, thank you notes don't get written. Oftentimes, the most generous of gifts come at times when I am too sick to even respond. Now I do have more energy, but it still usually leaves room for texts and email, over full-blown thank you notes.

I have become a 'receiver' rather than a 'giver'. Our culture does not applaud the receivers, only the givers.

Mom once read a book about a man and his wife, who had MS. She used a wheelchair and he described her as a 'rolling Mitzvah', meaning that every time someone opened the door for her that person was the one who received the mitzvah not her. What did he mean by this? That it makes people feel good to give. That in her own way, his wife did a good deed.

These Canna Lilies are GINROMOUS!

I don't yet know what receiving without guilt feels like or looks like. I don't know that I've fully experienced gratitude if it's always had a 'qualifier' that goes along with it.

My heart is bursting with gratitude, and I want to feel it fully.

I can't think of a better time to learn to do this than now. It is, after all, the month of Thanksgiving and Hanukkah--or as the holiday is being coined, Thanksgivikkuh. Thanksgivvikkuh won't roll around for another 77,798 years. So, now would be a good time to cultivate true gratitude.

A Garden of Gratitude

To start, I'm grateful for this garden patch that Mom and I planted together this year, full of some of my favorite flowers--zinnias, marigolds and dahlias. We filled pots with vincas, pansies, petunias and mums. I'm grateful for a mom who preps the ground and the pots, and a body that allowed me to help with the planting. I'm grateful for the beauty of the garden. I'm grateful that my mom sat on the sofa every morning to enjoy the her well-tended garden. I'm grateful that planting flowers brings me such joy.

Blessings,

Emily