Celebrating Mom + Asking for Help

Birthday Cake for Mom: Lemon with Raspberry Filling

Typically when Mom's birthday rolls around, I'm not feeling well enough to really put something fun together for her so that we can celebrate. This May, I was pretty sneaky and surprised her (much to her chagrin!) I had so much fun!

The Hillraisers: Kay, Karen, Pilar, Barb, Pam (and Gershwin)

When Hillary Clinton ran for president in 2008, we were both very pumped up--wearing our Hillary gear, going to see her speak, volunteering for her campaign, raising money, and reminding ourselves why we are who we are politically and as woman. 

During that process, Mom formed a group of women called the Hillraisers. Several years later, these women are turning what started as a monthly coffee meeting at our Wegman's into lunches, wine tastings, dinners, and other outings. Whenever I can, I like to see all of these phenomenal women too. It's a joy to see this group evolve and grow.

Mom had invited them all over for lunch on her birthday, but she didn't want them to know it was her birthday. I had other ideas in mind.

Kay, Karen and Tovah

We celebrated with a cake from a bakery that Jeannine slipped out of work to pick up and drop off, something I cannot remember doing for ages! (I brought the cake out at the end of the lunch on the patio.) And we were able to go out to dinner at a wonderful Thai restaurant in town--something that felt amazing because we've only been out to eat a handful of times since I've been sick.

Pam and Gershwin

One of my biggest fears, or quite possibly my biggest fear, in life is losing my mom. Her heart attack a little over three years has made that fear greater. While I am trying not to live in fear, I am also aware every day of the blessing that is my mom. 

I'm also aware that we are both 15 years older than we were when I first got sick, and the caregiving is harder for Mom now than it was when she was in her fifties. 

Dad and Abbie help in the ways that they can--and Dad makes it possible for me to receive exceptional medical care--but they live 20 minutes away, which makes participating in every day tasks difficult for them. They graciously drive me to appointments and take super good care of Asher, but my dad is also still working full-time. And he, too, is not getting younger.

Make a Wish!

After many difficult discussions and much research into options, we have decided to try using a company that will help us to live fuller, happier, less cluttered and less overwhelmed lives. We have been able to come together as an entire family to find solutions.

Mom and I are a seamless team. She always knows what I need and how to do it. There's an ease in accepting her care that I don't have with anyone else. We are also able to easily transition between our different roles in each other's lives--mother-daugther, caregiver-patient, and friends. We enjoy each other's company and the same activities--something that has allowed us to stay loving, united and blessed in our ability to do this journey.

Changing this dynamic won't be easy. But many days we both feel as if we are drowning in the demands of illness. And in all of the things that are constantly pushed aside because of illness.

Mom is selfless in her care for me, so much so that it is often at the expense of herself. My daily needs and appointments take up so much of her time and energy, she has little left for herself, her friends or for life in general. Being a caregiver is another sort of unacknowledged grief and challenge that takes a deep toll. (The research on caregivers is not reassuring!)

I Hope Her Wish Comes True!

We have hired a company with a comprehensive approach to care for keeping adults independent in their homes--so they can work with both me and Mom. We will have a caregiver (probably once a week) for myself who can do things like fold and put away my laundry or make 'green' juice. This company also helps to make your home more accessible and organized--so we will both be working to come out from under our clutter and create a home in which we feel peaceful rather than stressed. I will also work with the recreational therapist to come up with things I can do quietly when I don't feel well.

When I am really sick, papers pile up. My room will get cluttered and my mom has no choice but to take a box and throw the papers in it for 'later'. Now, I have 15 years of boxes of papers, not to mention what accumulates after living in the same home for 38 years! Mom and I will each work with one of the women to organize--we will have her come every week and alternate which one of us works on organizing.

In addition to caregiving and organizing, the company will provide rides with 48 hours notice and has a handyman who can come to help keep up with basic home maintenance. 

Kay, Karen, Pilar, Mom, Barb, Pam and Gershwin

It sometimes feels easier not to accept help, even though accepting help is one of the most important things to do. It's hard to have people other than those closest to us help with intimate needs and care and to have them in your home. But it's also something that will become an increasing necessity for us. 

I feel hopeful that this company can help us in ways that will make life better so that we have more time for each other in the ways we miss--and less time feeling overwhelmed and stressed. 

I pushed really hard to have us hire help, and it wasn't always easy for my parents to hear my request. But what I want more than anything in the world is more years of celebrating my mom. In accepting help, I hope it means more years for us to be together, and joyfully so.

Blessings,

Emily