Love Happened

Early Valentine's Day Date. Dinner Out!

The biggest reason that I haven't been blogging is, well, this guy in the photo above came into my life and stole my heart. 

For so many years, I blocked out the possibility of finding love. I closed my heart to it, believing that my illness made me 'unlovable'. Then, as I began to share my fears with friends, family, my counselor and even my doctors, I heard their voices telling me how worthy I was of love. I also know I have a lot of love to give.

One of my doctors said to me: "You are not sick. Maybe your body has an illness, but you have everything to offer a partner. Why are you punishing yourself by not trying to date and find love?" That comment stuck with me. Recently, when I told my PCP I was dating a wonderful man he said he wished he had told me what the other doctor had said--that I deserved love and that I deserved only the best.

After our trip to the beach last year, I signed myself up for eHarmony in an effort to 'get my toes wet' when it came to dating. I was TERRIFIED of dating after so long away from it. Plus, before I got sick, I had spent my college years in a long term relationship, so I had never really 'dated' much. A first date? What's that?!

Almost daily, I wore a pair of earrings that I called my "Open Heart Earrings" that I had purchased at the beach and reminded me to keep my heart open to the possibility of love. I posted on Facebook that I wanted to find love. I eventually posted the same words on my blog in May of 2014. 

As my health improved, I filled my LIFE to the brim with what fulfilled me. I finally felt at peace in so many ways with ME, with my puppies, my parents, my remarkable friends and family, my many interests and hobbies. I felt whole. I felt that I would be okay if I didn't find someone to love. 

And that's when "It" happened. 

I met a wonderful man. And I fell in love with him. His name is Kiernan.

We are beautifully pathetically smitten with one another.

Here is our story.

My Valentine's Gift from K. A Collage of Where we Met and Our First Dates.

How We Met

We met on November 30th at a mutual friend's surprise 30th birthday party. That mutual friend is Marjie.

Both of us were a little unsure about attending the party--K didn't really know any of the folks going and I was unsure about making small talk with a bunch of folks I didn't know. 

Since I've known Marjie, she's been encouraging me to date (even being the person to edit my eHarmony profile), and had mentioned another man that she thought I would be a good match with. This man was supposed to attend the party so I got all gussied up, worked up my nerve that I would introduce myself to him, ask him if the seat next to him was available, and otherwise not 'play it safe' by sitting with the women I knew at the party. 

Aforementioned 'other guy' did not show up to the party. And I totally relaxed. I was authentically myself and even talked openly about my illness at the table.

Kiernan sat mostly quiet surrounded by a zillion women at the table. What a trooper!

We posed for pictures and he stood either behind me or next to me in them. He says he remembers the moment I put my arm around him.

I'm convinced that the universe brought us together on this day, that I was meant to go to the party 'looking for someone else', that he would not be there, that I would fully relax and that Kiernan would be attracted to my authentic self. 

Our relationship has unfolded so organically and easily. 

Our First Selfie. Photobomb by Tovah Rose.

How we Started Dating

After the party, Kiernan asked Marjie if I was single and if I dated. Of course she said: YES! YES! YES! Ha! :)

We were all posting party pics and tagging each other on FB, so K found me via FB and messaged me: 

"Would you like to swap phone numbers, maybe get together some time?"

And so it began.

Honestly, I was blown away over 'being noticed' by a man.

K's First Visit to Our House. Look Who Approved!

Our first date

K won me over pretty quickly with his thoughtfulness and caring. He really thought through our first date. We went to a cozy local bar with a real fireplace where we talked easily for 2 1/2 hours! He was there before I arrived, he ordered my drink for me, he paid, he was a perfect gentleman. 

Yup. These Guys LOVE Him.

Our Second Date

For our second date, we went out to lunch at our very favorite Thai and Sushi restaurant. We shared dishes and realized how many common core values and interests we shared.

After our second date, I was fairly quickly falling for K.

I tease him a lot about falling for a bearded man with tattoos! He's so unexpected in terms of my usual draw towards the preppy clean-shaven type, yet he's everything I want in a person's SOUL. 

Keeping my heart open to unexpected and different possibilities led me to him.

Tovah Rose is SACKED Out.

On his first visit to my house, the puppies immediately sat on either side of him. K said: "Well, they do this for everyone don't they?"

Nope.

Honestly, when I saw how much the puppies loved him from the get go, I should have known I would fall in love with this man. But, they 'knew' before I did that this man would fill our lives with so much love.

Kiernan lost his beloved dog, Nestle, just a month after our first date. I only met her once, which breaks my heart. Did Nestle know I would take care of Kiernan when she left this world? Did she know Kiernan would be okay? For some people, this might be a bit much--but I do believe our animals know us and are so very wise about what we need. Asher left this world just as I began to get my wings to fly again, after he had spent years taking care of me. He was ready to go and he prepared me for my new life. I hope Nestle and Asher are watching over us, knowing that Kiernan and I are taking care of each other.

Bromance: K and Gershy

K and I share many common interests--the top two being DOGS and FOOD. He loves to cook! We are both townies, we love this town, we love farmers markets, we love movies, we love soup, we love word finds, we love flannel pajamas, we love snuggling, we love sharing meals together, we love good conversation, we love writing, we love nature, we love learning, we love children, we love to laugh, we love SmartWool socks, we love so many things that bind us. 

At the same time, we have enough different interests to keep things interesting.

We also share the same core values about relationships and life.

Visiting Marjie and Adele

I asked G-d to bring me a gentle and kind soul and that is who He brought me in Kiernan.

This man is incredibly kind, gentle, loving, compassionate, loyal, faithful, generous, empathetic, and patient. 

He is also smart and funny, creative and artistic.

He's a beautiful human being.

Being Goofy for Jeannine
(Jeannine was at home spending the day trimming her mom's toenails, helping her bathe and changing her sheets. K and I wanted to cheer her up so we did a selfie of us 'trimming' Tovah's toenails to tease her that it wasn't all romance all the time   in our world either. Haha! :))

I have spent so many years trying to cope with the trauma of a sexual assault as a teenager and the trauma that illness has had on my sexuality and sense of beauty.

I have literally spent much of my life being AFRAID of men.

Dating, being intimate with a man physically or emotionally, and letting a man into my life seemed like the scariest thing EVER. Yet, I knew I wanted to date and find love very much.

With My Favorite Chef

I had no idea that I could find someone who would make me feel so safe, so comfortable and so loved so quickly that he would crack my heart wide open and allow it to love again. 

Yes, we've fallen in love quickly. But we are also 39 and 36 and we are very ready to love. Do I hope Kiernan is 'the one'? Absolutely. Would I be happy to never go on a first date again? Absolutely. Does this excite me and terrify me all at once? Absolutely.

All we can know right now is that we are the right person for each other right now in this moment. We know that we love each other and that the future will unfold as it is meant to.

Smooch! I Made Him Blush! :)

I know now that the right person can open my heart wide. I know that he can make me feel safe. I know that he will be patient with my fears about illness or sexual trauma. I know that he will love me for all that I have to offer and not for what I do not. I know that he will push me in the wheelchair without a second thought. I know that he will never act 'put out' because he has to do the set-up and clean-up for dinner, because he has to always drive me, because he has to accommodate to my schedule. I know that he will do these things with grace, love and compassion. I know that in my own way I can be an equal partner in the relationship. I know that I have as much to give to him as he does to me. I know that we will show each other love, appreciation, respect, loyalty and patience. I know that he will take my fears and my tears and hold them in the palm of his hand. 

Yes, this man has opened my heart and I have fallen in love with him.

This is why I've been so quiet on my blog lately. I've been busy falling in love. Living the life I've been waiting so long for. Falling in love is a 'crazy joyful miracle', as my friend Jamie texted me. It's full of endorphins and butterflies and requires lots of energy! :) 

I'm sorry I've been so out of touch with so many people. Yet,  I am not sorry for reveling in every moment of this new life. I have waited and watched on the sidelines for so many years as my friends and family have lived their lives the way I dreamed I would live mine, and as they fell in love and had children. I've transitioned with them through these major life changes. I rest in knowing that my relationships are strong and secure and will adjust to this new transition in my life.

Thank you to everyone for sharing in our joy.

Blessings,

Emily

Our First Day at the Beach

Why yes, here we are: at the beach. A week after our arrival here in Sunset Beach the weather finally cleared up enough for us to make our first trip to the beach. It appears that this balmy windless afternoon is the only one we'll have for quite a while!

Of course, I had to bug a stranger (although, almost everyone here is chatty, kind and friendly) and ask him to take a photo of our gang. His Bernese Mountain Dog, Leo, decided he wanted to be part of the picture too. (No, we did not adopt another dog!)

The day was fairly foggy and cloudy, but the most peaceful day we have had at this beach. Last year, every day we were at the beach the winds were 10-15 miles per hour. On Sunday? NO wind.

I love the feeling of returning to a place that is starting to feel familiar. When we traveled to Emerald Isle, NC summer after summer while I was growing up, I loved that rush of excitement and anticipation that rippled through me as we went over the intracoastal waterway.

That's how I felt this year at the beach here as we crossed the bridge to the beach, as we parked the car in our familiar spot near a handicapped access point, as Mom pushed me in the rolls on the walkway to the beach, and as the beach came into view. 

Breathe in. Breathe Out. Smell the fresh ocean air.

As we got closer to the beach, Tovah Rose and Gershwin pulled and pulled and pulled on their leashes!

Tide was low and the beach was HUGE!

The water was calm.

We were all very happy!

It looks like the rest of the week will be cold again. We were back in our winter coats again today. Instead of going to the beach we ran some necessary errands and settled in for an episode of Downton Abbey this evening.

Plenty of beach days await us in March, I am sure of it. For now, here's our obligatory 'First Day at The Beach Photo'. 

Blessings,

Emily

Monday Dog Blog: Beach Ready

Safety First!

Tovah Rose and Gershwin hit the road in style to head to beach. We spread the trip over two days, and both puppies were excellent little travelers. 

Don't Forget Me!

Gershwin showed much more anxiety while we prepped for the trip than Tovah did. Poor guy threw up twice during the week before we left, and made sure to be everywhere we were while packing. 

Rain Ready!

Our little guys also got new raincoats and LED lights in preparation for this year's trip. They weren't too sure about the jackets, but they will certainly come in handy here as we experienced so many rainy days last year. It is also quite dark in the neighborhood, so the LED lights have come in handy. Again, safety first! :) 

Working on the iPad While at the Hotel

We were unable to stay with our friends on the way down this year, so the puppies had their first experience in a hotel. While they did a great job, they definitely were a bit unsure about the whole thing. Every time I got up to pee or leave my bedroom they would cry. They clung to Mommy all night long.

I love knowing that I can make them feel safe.

Beach Baby

Miss Tovah Rose went into 'Beach Mode' almost immediately after arrival at our condo. She can be found in Mom's arms just like this quite a bit. 

Settling In

It's taken the puppies a couple of days to realize we're staying here for a while. But they seem to be settling in now!

Serious About Napping

Mom and I watched a movie together. Tovah thought it was kinda boring.

Did You SEE Those Birdies?!

Less boring are the birdies outside!

Just Say No to the Evening Constitutional

We got G all dressed for his first walk in the rain one night and he wanted nothing to do with going outside. Instead he jumped up on the bed trying to escape from Mom. 

My Little Helper

Tovah is an excellent little helper, and has been helping me with the puzzle we started.

Lots of Love for Mom

We are so happy to be able to have our little loves with us here at the beach. We can't imagine life without their loves, snuggles, antics and spirits. 

Holding Paws

Much love abides here in our little condo at the beach.

And Tovah Rose and Gershwin are so happy to back with our Monday Dog Blog!

Blessings,

Emily

Snowbirding Again!

View of the 18th Hole from the Condo

Mom and I are officially snowbirds again this year!

Our View

We left snowy, cold, windy Pennsylvania on Valentine's Day and have spent the week getting settled down here at Sunset Beach. 

Unfortunately, the weather here has also been cold and windy and not at all beach weather, so I have not been able to get out for any StRolls around the golf resort or on the beach. No matter the weather, Mom's been walking the puppies three times a day and they are ready to snuggle every other second of the day! :) 

Living Area

We're staying in a different place this year--a condo overlooking the 18th hole of the golf course. We miss our little home from last year, but will be staying there again next year!

Eating + Puzzle Area

Since the weather has been poor (but no comparison to what everyone is experiencing back home), we've watched a movie, started a puzzle, and otherwise just spent time getting settled in here. I've found a wonderful massage therapist and gotten the latest People magazines. :) There are teeny tiny old CRT TVs here, so we ordered a TV and can't wait to catch up on Downton as well as other shows and movies. I also rented a recliner again this year.

Condo

It's taken me longer this year to feel relaxed, and I'm not fully there yet, but I'll get there. 

At the same time, it's remarkable how much better I did with the trip down here, how much more quickly I rebounded from it, how much more I'm able to do for myself this year, etc.

My Bedroom

The last few months have been a whirlwind of AMAZINGNESS! My body is just starting to come down from all of the highs and let me know it really, really, really needs some rest.

Going from illness to wellness is WONDERFUL, but also exhausting!

My Bathroom

I've been quiet on my blog for over two months now, which feels so strange. I had intended to take the holidays off and return to blogging in January, but life got in the way (in a good way). 

I hope very much that during our time at the beach I'll have some time to reflect on the past few months, share my journey and bring you up to speed on what's been going on.

Mom's Mini-Suite

As of now, the weather forecast tells me I'll have plenty of time to write.

Blessings from the Beach,

Emily