Finding My Way to Creativity

August 2019 Suminagashi Marbling Class 

Since getting sick, I've struggled to find ways to be creative. The fatigue, the pain, the brain fog, the inability to find a comfortable position, the need to be reclining or lying down always limited my options for creativity. I'd get restless and frustrated with even simple sets of directions that were difficult to follow through my fatigue.

These things are all still limiting, but I'm starting to see new openings for creativity.

Until now, I've relied on the joy of photography and writing my blog. But, I rarely have energy to actually go through my photos or do anything with them after I take them! And my mind is racing with blog posts.

Silk Scarf Created During the Class

Recently one of my favorite local artists who 'gets' my illness, hosted a Suminagashi paper marbling class by Diane Maurer, an incredible local artist. Elizabeth has a new art store with space for classes, Art a la Carte, and I was SO EXCITED (yes, SO EXCITED!) to be able to go to Diane's class.

At 2 1/2 hours long and in the afternoon, the class was just doable--except that I needed a ride to and from with Mom. This is where my fatigue still gets me.

Papers and Envelopes Created During the Suminagashi Marbling Class

While getting to interact with other women, learn from one of the most skilled local artists we have, and support Elizabeth's new shop, I learned was able to create these papers and a scarf using the Suminagashi marbling technique, which was quite meditative and, shall I say, almost fool proof. 

It's something I loved, but couldn't manage on my own at home, so having a class was perfect.

Pussy Hats

Up until now, I've tried my hand at knitting small projects over the years. Recently, it's been knitting pussy hats in protest of our current commander in chief.

Pussy Hats with a Little Sparkle

I still knit one here and there, but I've never found knitting super relaxing or gratifying.

Ten Years Ago in 2009--Knitting for David

I'm always terrified of dropping a stitch and having now idea how to fix it!

As you can see, back in 2009 I took on a big project, knitting a baby blanket for my nephew, David, and it's probably the piece I'm most proud of, especially because I knitted that sucker through such incredible pain and feeling like shit.

Again, I was helped by my friend Anne who told me what pattern, stitch and yarn to use.

It Took Me Over a Year to Make This!

Maybe my memories of suffering while knitting have made it more difficult to pick up the knitting needles again and give it a try?

Oh, How I Loved It!

Because, when I look at this blanket, it makes me want to make another one!

I love the finished product. I've never fallen in love with the process.

But with the Suminagashi marbling, I fell in love with the meditative process of creating the designs. And so what if one of the designs isn't just what I was hoping for? It's a lesson in letting go and living in the 'gray zone', which is where I'm desperately trying to learn to live these days.

Doll Blanket for Elsa

The only other creative attempt I've made over the years was hand sewing, to which a high school friend introduced me. I fell in love with that at the time. It was something I could do for 5 minutes or one hour. I could stop when I needed to, it took little concentration, it was meditative, mistakes were easy to fix, it could be done reclining, and the finished product was gratifying.

Alia's introduction to me of this craft idea helped me through some tough, tough times.

But, to make one of these little hand-sewn blankets (of which I've only made two!), I rely on my neighbor to cut and prep all of the fabrics for me, as well as help to pick them out.

Two of my closest friends with CFS and POTS are incredible at handicrafts--specifically knitting and crocheting. I seem to be only aspirational in my desire to do these. I have little patience for trying to understand patterns, learn new stitches, and I stress about mistakes.

What I do know is that I used to love taking time to be creative. Before my illness, I would spend summers making scrapbooks, handmade cards, photo albums, gifts and whatever struck my fancy.

I found my greatest joy in dance--it was the fullest and most complete expression of who I was that I have ever experienced. I miss it deeply. I think I've spent the time since I could no longer dance searching for substitute that would fill my soul the way that dancing did. I also loved the high of playing saxophone (I haven't got enough hot air for that anymore!).

I've never been a gifted or talented artist--art class was always the class in which I needed 'extra help' --but I know that creativity comes in many forms and I know that it's essential for MY life. I was never an excellent dancer. But I loved it and I felt alive when I danced.

The Suminagashi class was a little taste of the high that can come from creating something beautiful.

I hope it's the beginning three very important things for me:

1. Taking time and prioritizing time to be creative

2. Finding more opportunities to be creative

3. Giving myself the freedom to try different ways to be creative 

How do you find time for creativity in your life? What makes you feel alive? What do you love to create?

Blessings,

Emily