Please Press the 'Hold Button' on 2009!

If only I could live in the moment like Asher! This is his absolute favorite spot in the house, especially during dinner time when he is perched on the ottoman right between Mom and I. He's always happiest when he has his whole 'herd' right nearby. I wonder if I need to buy him his own little ottoman/throne/bed when I re-do my bedroom?

I can't wind down tonight because, as I often do, I'm thinking of all of the things that need to get done and a body that isn't going to keep up with the list of things.  These thoughts literally make me want to throw up.  One of the largest stresses for me is the sadness I feel over not being able to be a friend and relative in the way I want to be.

The only thing that I could think to do was to blog to let you all know where things are at, as I expect the next three weeks to be filled with appointments, post-bicillin hazes, and visitors. I will have my usual low lights (more appointments and Bicillin shots) as well as one MAJOR high light--a visit from Carrie, Britt and my nephew David. I need to save up all of the energy possible to prepare for having a seven month old in the house! And then, I will need some serious recoup time!  

I'm constantly frustrated by the lack of energy I have to match the desire and the need to keep in touch, reach out, and hear about your lives.  

I could write a tome on this subject, as I've been thinking it over a great deal lately. Because the difficult truth is that I often get lonely. I want to write, I want to call, I want to have more visitors, but the reality is that my body has rarely been cooperating with any of that lately.  I've been having problems again with talking on the phone--not quite sure why. 

I've turned increasingly to blogging, which I enjoy, but I also know that it leaves out the personal touch that I so desire to give each of you.

I know I've written blogs mentioning similar issues before and I really do sound like a broken record at this point--asking for your patience, asking you to know that I'm still here, and that you matter to me.  I just don't know how to let you all know in a way that is sufficient. Because a blog post doesn't feel that way at all. If you have any suggestions, especially those of you also dealing with low energy and illness, please let me know! How do I let you each know how much I care? How to I tell you how much you matter? How do I sustain our relationship when I don't have any energy to talk on the phone or email? 

Every day the decisions I make about how to spend my energy points are incredibly difficult. And I rarely end the day feeling peaceful about them. I usually have a nice dose of Jewish guilt about everything!

Some days there aren't really any energy points, especially after my shot. It's frustrating to have, on a daily basis, most if not all of my energy go to surviving the day. Although, come to think of it, Asher really has no complaints about focusing his day on the basic needs of life! Still, he manages to pack in quite a bit of love and joy. 

I'm working on balance...and really hoping that by February, I'll be ready to start the new year! I am seeking the help I need to try to work through my current struggles...and part of my challenge is to be patient with myself and to make sure that I give myself permission to rest! One of the major reasons I felt and continue to feel so unready to start a new year is because I just feel so bogged down and so far behind.

I want to learn to end each day with a sense that I did my best. Maybe I didn't get to do all the things that I needed to do or any of the things I wanted to do. Maybe I did things I wanted to do and not things I needed to do. Maybe the one thing I did was rest. I want to be able to say, as one of my fellow DINET friends is able to say, that I gave my day my best, that I did my best, and it was good enough. I admire her so much for this.

While I continue to work on this whole balance thing and during the next few weeks, I'll keep you posted as much as possible via blogging and touching base with little hellos on Facebook. It's less than I want to do. It's the most that I can do. And somehow these two realities have to find a way to be at peace, rather than at war, with one another. 

Thank you for continuing to read my blog and journey with me. It gives me great strength. 

Blessings, 

Emily

P.S. A more uplifting post to follow next! :) Perhaps a high light of 2008 again!

Photo: Asher on 'his' ottoman tonight after dinner.