eHarmonizing: Part I

Yes, I admit it. I'm on eHarmony these days. I officially joined January 30Th of this year, after spending endless hours filling out the VERY long questionnaire. Sometimes I call eHarmony 'ePersonalGrowth' because it forces me to think about aspects of myself that I have never thought about before.

What are the three best traits you have to offer a partner? Other than love, what is the one trait you have noticed in couples with a successful relationship? What personal habits are important to you? What is your sense of style? Are you sexy? Are you attractive? How important is the race, religion, education level, etc. of your match?

The hardest part had to be picking the ten "Must Haves and Can't Stands" for a partner. I mean, who wants a gambler, a sex addict, a drug addict, a racist, a total slob or those such things anyways? These are kinda givens aren't they? But you only get to pick 10 of those you can't stand. And the same goes for the Must Haves. Kindness, Emotional Stability, Acceptance, Chemistry, Family and Marriage, etc. I must have spent hours pouring over the lists in each category trying to choose ten Must Haves and ten Can't Stands out of about 50 in each category.

I mean, I had better take this seriously right? This is my potential marriage partner I'm thinking about.

Even if I don't meet the love of my life, I will have certainly had quite the experience in personal growth. eHarmony will have profited from this growth...but it is still much cheaper than therapy!

So why did I join eHarmony this year?

First of all, my friends Angela, Erika, Marcy and Celeste were all on my case to do so! :) I also talked with a fellow DINET friend who bravely entered the online dating world at the same time. Okay, maybe 'on my case' is not a very nice way to put it. My friends enthusiastically encouraged me to join. They told me that it would be a good way for me to learn to communicate with men again, to ease back into the dating scene, to find men who might be willing to accept my illness, to try dating in a way that worked with my illness and my fears that surround dating, etc. Angela suggested that I would be able to try different ways of telling men about my illness and see how they responded and figure out what worked.

I was concerned about joining eHarmony given my already stretched and limited energy. Would I be able to add this to my life? Was this the 'right time'? Is there really a 'right time'? I already felt and feel that I can't keep up, I'm always overwhelmed, and I'm never in touch with those I love as much as I would like. Would joining eHarmony jeopardize my friendships and family relationships? Would my friends feel that I had chosen spending time on eHarmony over emailing them? Or would they embrace my leap into the search for love and marraige? Would I be able to balance the two? As my inbox tops 900 messages, I'm not sure I've succeeded. But, I'm not sure I would be doing much better at email without being on eHarmony. How do we pursue the new and sustain the old that we love?

In the end, with the support and encouragement of friends, I took the leap and officially joined eHarmony.

I have a HUGE fear of dating. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. Panic attack terrified. Okay, maybe not full-blown panic, but pretty darn scared. Beyond some mild butterflies!

But, I also know that I want to get married. And if at all possible, I want to be a mom. I have had a lot of time these past ten years to think about what I really want in life. And these are two things I really, really want.

By joining eHarmony, I made a strong statement about myself and to myself.

I didn't just join for the heck of it.

By joining I sent myself some very strong messages.

First, I said that if I want to get married, I have to put myself out there. I cannot say at the end of my life that I never got married and whine about it if I did not at least try. Whatever the outcome in my life, I have to know that I tried for what I wanted most.

I also stopped waiting. I stopped waiting to get better before I would give dating a try. I always thought this was how it had to work. I mean, I had to get better first right? I have some very negative and powerful scripts playing in my mind. The scripts that say: But you are sick. Who would want to be with you? Who would want to take that on? You would only be holding someone back. Who would want to deal with all of this crap? What if you can't have children or get well enough to adopt? What can you contribute to a relationship?

But there's another part of me, too. The part that says the following:

I am deserving of love and I have a lot of love to give.

I have been sick for ten years, and illness is part of who I am. But it is not who I am.

I've been changing my entire life script in 2008, and this is just one piece of it.

I have received tremendous support from the few friends I have told about this. Angela has reminded me that we can be surprised. That there are men who will 'get' it and love me anyways. Marcy is practically waving pom poms. She is also dealing with all of my neuroticism! Carrie reminded me that I will learn that there are men who will love me, even if just as a friend, for who I am. I almost cried when she said to me that I am lovable to others and will be lovable to others who did not know me before my illness. "There are people in this world, other than just your friends who love you now," she said, "who will love you and see what you have to offer."

I hear stories all of the time of romance in spite of illness, of love in spite of even the worst of scenarios. And I've heard quite a bit of eHarmony success stories too.

It's hard to change long, overplayed, overused, negative scripts. And they easily creep back in, especially on my sickest days.

Regardless of the outcome on eHarmony or other possible dating pursuits, I cannot say that I did not try for what really mattered to me.

And, maybe, just maybe if I tell myself often enough that I have a lot of love to give and that I am deserving of love, I will truly believe it.

Blessings,

Emily

P.S. I have fallen in love with the term "eHarmonizing," cleverly coined by my friend, Kristen. (She's hilariously funny in spite of her great pain and suffering.)

P.P.S. Oh, I must wrap up now, as my gmail just 'dinged' that I have a message from someone 'special' on eHarmony. Yes, I'm a bit twitterpated. And freaked out! :) But, you'll have to wait for Part II on eHarmonizing.

Photo: Pink peony bud in our yard earlier this spring.