Now that my health is improving and I am in a committed relationship, I have begun to wonder if being a mother is actually a possibility. Is the door open now?
The answer is yes, in theory. Hypothetically. The door is open.
But it's open with a lot of limitations.
And it's closing very, very quickly because I'm 40.
First let me begin with the 'green light' to actually have a baby.
In December of last year, I saw Dr. Rowe for a follow-up appointment, during which we spent about an hour discussing the issue of having children. I was so nervous about addressing this topic that I had emailed him ahead of time to ask if he would be willing to give me a two hour time slot so that we could discuss what was weighing so heavily on my mind and heart. Yes, you read that correctly--TWO hours.
It turns out this is a topic that he has discussed many times over the years with his patients. He has watched many young girls grow into adulthood and become mothers.
I kept preparing myself for the appointment by telling myself he was going to give me the red light when it came to having children. I prepared myself for an absolute "No way should you, can you, could you, would you...consider becoming a mother in any way."
This was my way of protecting my heart.
Dr. Rowe said: "What do you think I am going to tell you about motherhood?"
I said: "I think you are going to tell me that I am too sick to be a mom."
He said: "That is absolutely not what I am going to say."
We discussed the issues surrounding having child--either biologically or through adoption.
Dr. Rowe gave me the green light to have a child. Biologically.
Many women with Dysautonomia do well with pregnancy and even after the birth of the child for reasons we don't completely understand. Part of it may be due to the increased blood volume during pregnancy. He was currently working with a patient who was symptom-free throughout her pregnancy and the nine months she had been breast-feeding.
Because so many women actually do well with pregnancy Dr. Rowe was, in some ways, more in favor of having a child biologically than going through adoption.
He said that, yes, it is very hard to go through a pregnancy, but that patients like myself who desperately want to be mothers will put themselves through just about anything to be a mother.
What moved me so deeply was his understanding of how strongly the desire is for some women to be mothers. He understands that some of us see it as part of our lives ever since we are small children.
Dr. Rowe said that what children need is love. He told me that I have everything it takes to be a wonderful mother. He assured me that children adapt well to parents who have limitations. He said I can give a child what he/she needs most--love and stability.
Children of parents with illnesses like mine learn to adapt to a mom who needs to rest or lie down on the sofa. He assured me that kids don't need a mom who can throw a ball with them in the backyard.
Dr. Rowe later wrote: "As you know, the quality of th emotional bond each child feels far outweighs whether a parent has restricted energy."
He also wrote: "If you are concerned about variability in your own energy level in the future, I have certainly seen patients over the last 20 years who have been able to go through pregnancies and raise children even with a fair burden of CFS symptoms. They occasionally needed some help when the children got a bit older, but in the instances where the mother was pretty symptomatic, the children got used to the mother's activity level, and regarded that as normal, adjusting very nicely."
Also, it's important to note that there is no evidence that CFS plays any role in changing the outcome of pregnancies OR that it can be passed on to children. Some children do end up with joint hyper mobility, which is genetic, but that is not one of my major issues.
A green light. To have a baby.
I have spoken to my gynecologist about the possibility of pregnancy. Now that he has the clear from Dr. Rowe, he is willing to do anything he can to help me get pregnant. He recommends that I don't 'tarry', since chromosomal abnormalities increase with each year. But he is 100% on board with pregnancy later in life, even after 40.
Choice.
A choice I never thought I would have.
Where do I go with this choice?
At first I was just so excited that I got the green light to have a baby.
I was fairly certain that what I thought I wanted was the opportunity to have a child. The opportunity to try to get pregnant.
Now, I'm struggling with the truth that I desperately want to be a mom, but I need to weigh how this will affect my health and if it is something we can all manage as a family and Kiernan and I can manage as a couple. I also don't want to burden my mom, Dad and Abbie anymore than they have already been burdened by my illness. I'm also wondering if, even though I want to be a mom, is it truly the best thing for my/our lives?
A door has been opened. A green light has been given. But how long, given my age, is this door really open? How long before the light turns orange? And then red?
I have a choice.
It is a choice with a lot of limitations and challenges. It is a choice that comes when maybe the timing isn't quite right. Is this one of those almost, but not quite touchable, dreams?
Live the questions.
Blessings,
Emily
No comments:
Post a Comment