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| Peonies |
As I've begun to share in my blog, some parts of the healing process have brought on surprising, difficult and challenging emotions for me. I'm struggling to learn to know when I need to rest, both because rest is scary and because I am used to judging needing rest based on a very different level and type of fatigue. I am finding myself in a place of recognizing that I'm still chronically ill. This means that I must continue my focus on healing and maintaining my health, while enjoying new pleasures and outings within my limitations. I feel increasingly constrained by the demands of my body. New to my emotions of grief and sadness have been those of anger and resentment over the 18 years I have lost and the time I still need to heal. I'm deeply sad about dreams that have become closer to my reach, but remain untouchable.
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| Originally Gifted To Us As Two Small Bunches (One Pink, One White) By a Beloved Neighbor and One of the Strongest Women I Have Ever Known, The Peonies Continue To Spread In Our Yard |
It's not that I don't have a great deal of joy and gratitude, but I am also facing many new challenges and decisions very quickly. This has left me struggling with feeling down and with an uptick in anxiety over making good choices and over the uncertainties I face in making such decisions. Sometimes the intensity of the anxiety about making choices and decision pulls me out of living in the present and enjoying what I do have.
It may seem difficult to understand (it is to me) why feeling better would not just result in pleasure and joy. Why does healing often come with feelings of fear, anxiety and frustration?
It is so easy to want more and to want it now. I think this is a normal human tendency. It is so so easy to do what Dr. Rowe said I would easily do: be too greedy with my new freedom.
It's amazing how quickly I find myself raising my expectations, feeling unsatisfied with what I have, falling into the trap of the "hedonic treadmill" my friend describes, and working constantly to rest instead in being satisfied with what I do have. The good news is, I always get back to my happiness set point.
In addition to facing these emotions, my overall well-being has slumped a bit the past few weeks and we are, again, trying to figure out what is going on. My sleep has been poor, fatigue has increased, I've been waking up to pee 2-4 times a night and my concentration is worse.
What is likely going to be a normal part of life from now on--ups and downs in the healing process, tweaking and re-tweaking meds--is very very scary. I'm so afraid I'll go back to being really sick again. I miss feeling better and enjoying things more.
I've spent a lot of time discussing these emotions with Evelyn, blogging about some of them, getting incredible feedback from my readers (thank you!), and trying to take more time to myself to process.
When I let Dr. Rowe know what I was feeling (as described above) he wrote the most incredible words of wisdom.
They were so powerful, as his words so often are, that I asked if I could share them on my blog.
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| I Look Forward To Them Every Spring |
The emotional changes are really common. It is as if you are facing a lot of normal choices we have to make in life, but at warp speed. My other patients also face similar emotions as they transition to a healthier level of activity. Once they are out of the prison that illness imposes, if they ever have a drop-off in function (even if it is slight, and nowhere near as bad as when they were at their sickest), they feel it and are intensely frustrated by it, more completely than if they never left prison at all. A taste of freedom that is then revoked can be tougher than no freedom at all.
The other thing that you are facing at warp speed is the normal adult process of closing doors with each life decision. Some doors can be re-opened later, but in reality, most career doors can’t due to the costs and time already invested in the path chosen. The same goes for a variety of the personal choices, I think. The difference is that we usually get to adjust to these lost options in a very gradual manner.
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| And I Remember Mary Sanders |
As I read these words, I cried--in gratitude for this man who is so much more than a physical healer, for these words that validated and affirmed my feelings, and for this understanding that comes as such a gift to Dr. Rowe. Chronic illness is a multi-dimensional experience--filled with unique physical, emotional and spiritual challenges that very few in this world truly understand. The relief I feel when someone 'gets' it is huge, which is why my friendships with others who share my illness have been so vital.
Freedom tasted. Freedom revoked. Warp speed. Closing doors.
How much freedom will I taste in this life? How long will my revoked freedom last? Will I get out of this prison soon? How fast are the doors closing? What new doors will open instead? How do I make good decisions at warp speed? Will I regret not making a decision soon enough? Or making one too soon?
Freedom tasted. Freedom revoked. Warp speed. Closing doors.
It's like a tape playing over and over in my head. Some nights I can't sleep from the anxiety of it all.
Will I find my way?
Of course I will.
I always do. Over and over. Time and again. I do it. No matter how scary it is.
May I find the freedom joyful.
May I rest when it is revoked.
May I close the doors that need to be closed.
May I open the doors that will fulfill me in new ways.
May I feel peace.
Blessings,
Emily
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