A Beethoven Thanksgiving

Lisa, Me, Mom

Tonight, Mom, Barbara and I went to see the St. Lawrence String Quartet perform three of Beethoven's string quartets. It's part of a local two year long series bringing in groups to perform all of his string quartets. This is the first of this series I have been well enough to attend, and our first concert outing this year. 

Oh! I cannot think of a better way to have celebrated the end of year 37! These musicians perform with such joy and passion--the two violinists practically do jigs and dances in their chairs. I also feel such a sense of amazement at the composition of music as well as the performance of it.

For this event, the handicapped seating was right in front, so we could see all of the facial expressions and ways the musicians communicated with one another. I still need to take the Rolls and my reclining chair, as sitting upright with my legs down for a 3 hour outing isn't possible. 

The Program

Growing up, my parents always turned on NPR to listen to classical music and I gave the obligatory eye roll. They also took me to a lot of theatre and music performances and enrolled me in lots of dance, music and theatre all of which I loved. Now, classical music is one of my favorite things. The St. Lawrence String Quartet is often played on NPR, so seeing them in person really was phenomenal. As many of you know, at my sickest, I often could do nothing more than lie in bed and listen to NPR. I couldn't wait for Performance Today to come on at 8 PM.

The final piece, String Quartet in A Minor, Op. 132, was written as Beethoven began recovering from serious and debilitating illness. The central movement is called Sacred Song of Thanksgiving to the Deity from a Convalescent. According the the program, this movement alternates between Adagio and Andante, which Beethoven marked in his score as "Feeling new strength" and "You returned my strength to find me in the evening."

A fitting piece, I think. I truly felt as if I was hearing a prayer of thanksgiving.

Quartet Members

I still remember the trepidation and fear I felt the first time I thought about going to a concert five years ago.  Now, I can't wait to go, see Lisa and enjoy an outing. I would go a lot more often if I felt up to it! :) Every time I see Lisa, I am reminded of how kindness, warmth, and compassion shown in the face of fear and sadness can so deeply change one's life. Without Lisa as the audience services manager, I know that I would not have enjoyed the arts again in the way that I do. 

Seeing Lisa, being with Mom and Barbara, listening to music that has brought me such joy and comfort through my illness, being able to go out, and hearing that particular Beethoven work of thanksgiving helped me to end my year with a heart full of gratitude for the blessing of my life. 

Blessings,

Emily

Counseling

Tovah Rose Gets Therapy

It takes a village to manage chronic illness. Part of my 'village' is having a counselor, who is in no small way responsible for my transformation this past year. 

While I was at my appointment today, Evelyn said: Tovah looks like a little person sitting there. I wish I had a camera!

I handed her my phone, and she snapped this photo. Either Tovah Rose or Gershwin get to go with me for my sessions! :) They are excellent therapy dogs. Plus, if they have any burdens to share, Evelyn is willing to listen to them. Today, Tovah Rose shared her feelings of neglect. 

So much of managing a chronic illness is the emotional side--grief, loss, anger, sadness, confusion, managing physical symptoms, finding purpose and meaning in life, creating new ways of living and finding coping strategies. I've been very fortunate to have family, friends, and professionals who are willing to journey with me emotionally.

Blessings,

Emily

Birthday With Dad and Abbie

Love This Pic of Us!

Dad and Abbie came over this weekend to celebrate my birthday. Here I am with my new purse, book on CASSETTE (yes, this book only comes on cassette and I still have a cassette player), and Emmylou Harris CD. 

My friend Ellen has been encouraging me to listen to the book of letters between Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Robert Browning as an example of a love story between a woman who is very physically ill and her husband to be.

Abbie and Tovah Rose

Twinkle Toes is a bit over exuberant in her greetings sometimes and Abbie has fragile skin, so she comes prepared with a pair of socks! This always cracks me up. Tovah was so settled in on Abbie's  lap she cold barely keep her eyes open.

Dad and His Buddy Gershwin

Dad loves to be with the pooches.

He and I are having a daddy-daughter birthday date on Saturday at Barnes and Noble to do a little shopping and have a cup of tea together. I'm so excited to be able to go on an outing!

Thanks for starting off my birthday week with a nice visit Dad and Abbie!

Blessings,

Emily

Monday Dog Blog: ATG, Spotted Bellies and Animal

Under The Dogwood: Gershwin, Tovah, and Asher

I caught A, T and G all hanging out together under a small shady spot this week. 

This guy needs to dress up as Animal from the Muppets for Halloween. Orange T-shirt, orange hair spray for his head, and a little drum set? Tovah Rose would be a princess. Of course. 

Creative peeps, tell me how to make this Halloween costume happen!

Rock Star

See the resemblance to Animal? It's all in the hair. :)

Spotted Bellies

This peaceful moment with the two of them lying side by side and belly up lasted about a minute before the wrestling kicked back in. We adore their spotted bellies.

Asher is having a rough week, to say the least. I've never seen him in this much pain. It's breaking our hearts. We've been encouraged to be patient as we try to find the right medication doses as well as wait for PT to help. I'll also be in touch with a veterinary acupuncturist who visits the home. Please send your good thoughts to our guy.

Happy Monday!

Blessings,

Emily 

Friends Who've Just Met

There's not 

a word yet

for friends

who've just met.

--Gonzo, the Muppets--

Our Delicate Little Flower (As She is Called at the Vet's)  Seems to Have Forgotten that Jennifer is the One Who Tortures Her with Spaying, IV Fluids, Shots, etc. :)

Almost two years ago, we took Asher to the vet, where we saw Dr. Jennifer. Mom usually took Asher to the vet because I never felt well enough to go. Jennifer and I knew we lived in the same neighborhood and had run into each other a couple of times, but we hadn't really interacted much. I was there in my Rolls, which still makes me self-conscious sometimes. 

For the most part, since I've been sick, my friends have remained those from afar--those I have held to tightly since grade school, high school, college and through support networks. But I had never really been able to meet people locally. I've been making a huge effort lately to try to meet friends locally. Not because my beloved support network from afar isn't amazing, but because we all know that nothing beats face to face interaction and conversation.

Jennifer, who is very shy said to me: "Would you like to have lunch together sometime?"

That moment of bravery on her part has led to a beautiful friendship. She shared the Gonzo quote with me shortly after we met. Whenever Jennifer gets one of her days off, we make every effort to have a lunch date.

I remember coming home from the vet and saying: "Mom, she wants to be my friend. She doesn't care that I am sick or in a wheelchair."  I'm not sure why it is so hard for me to believe that people will see me as more than my illness, except that perhaps *I* have failed to see myself as more than my illness, despite my efforts otherwise.

All I know is the moment I went to the vet in my Rolls and Jennifer braved asking me to have lunch made both of our lives richer. 

Jennifer, Me, Tovah Rose, Gershwin, and my Strawberry Blonde dress.

Blessings,

Emily

The Seed is Hope, The Flower is Joy

Sunflowers on an Outing to the Arboretum

The Seed is Hope.

The Flower is Joy.

Turning to Face the Sun

Today I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. Instead of needing my Rolls, I walked in and out of the appointment. Afterwards, Mom and I stopped at a pumpkin stand and picked out some pumpkins for the yard. We drove to the pharmacy where I got to catch up for a while with my favorite pharmacist. Then we stopped to visit a bit with Sara and Dave while picking up our farm share. For these other outings, I did use my Rolls. I took a nap. We shared our evening meal together. I got a bath and settled in to watch a little TV. And now, I am settled in to write a little blog post. 

Why do I detail such a seemingly simple day? Because this type of day has been unimaginable to me in over a decade. It's not just being able to do more, but being able to do more without feeling as ill. 

Love the Way They Turn Towards the Sun!

While we were driving from the pumpkin stand to the pharmacy, I said to Mom: "Can I just say how amazing and wonderful it is to be able to do simple, every day activities and enjoy them? To be able to go to the doctor and still have some energy left for something else? To have energy to enjoy this glorious Fall day? To not feel like I am literally dying while trying to go on an outing?" 

I'm still tired. I'm still symptomatic. I still crash out. I still have bad days. But it's different than it used to be.

So Many Varieties!

This winter was dreadful due to gastroparsis that wouldn't let up. In the Spring, I started to feel significantly better, thanks to the addition of B12 shots to my regimen. While I have still been struggling with the gastroparesis, my ANS symptoms improved over the summer and I just decided to have the best summer possible. I put off as much medical stuff as I could (which is now leaving me to cram it all in, but that is another post!) 

That's why so many of my posts have been about seeing friends and family, the puppies, or going on outings--I have been engaging in life as much as and as fully as possible. I still have so many summer joys to blog about. In order to engage in these other activities, I had to pull back from blogging--which I missed a lot!

When Mom shared the quote above with me, it resonated. This summer and early Fall I have truly felt that sometimes I have been able to be the flower more than the seed, that I have been able to engage in the joy rather than rest in the hope. 

As is the case with chronic illness, we never know when the wind will blow a different direction and symptoms will change or flare or be better or be worse. I'm acutely aware of how quickly things can change. I've just tried to live in the moment as much as possible, embracing the joy, and trying not get caught up in the sometimes overwhelming hope for more. Every day, Jon Kabat-Zinn reminds me to accept things just as they are, not wanting them to be different than what they are right now. That's a big task!

Blessings,

Emily

Snowbirds

The BEACH!

Many of Mom's friends are snowbirds now, including Uncle and Sandie who spend the winter in Arizona. After this past winter's seemingly unending gray and cold days, Mom said to me: "I don't know if I can do this another winter. I want to go away to the beach for February and March." 

Well, I will pretty much jump to anything that Mom wants to do that will bring her joy and happiness in the midst of caregiving. So, we've been on a major mission to find a place to go for Winter 2014.

The Home We Will Be Staying In

After a very difficult and extensive search, we can finally say that we are going to be snowbirds for the month of March in 2014! We will be staying on a golf course in Sunset Beach, NC.

Finding a house at which to stay proved much more difficult than we imagined, mostly because we needed three things all in one house: pet friendly, few to no stairs, and a bathtub. Our hope was to find a place at our beloved Emerald Isle--a place filled with years of happy memories--but we could not find a home without a huge flight of stairs. We also decided that, although we would like to be oceanfront, having one level and a yard is preferable.

We also didn't get started on our search soon enough to find a home for two months. But we are OVER THE MOON about the house we have found and the fact that we will be going away for a whole month. I really can't believe we are doing this! It's not something we could have even imagined even a  year ago.

Golf Course Near the Condo. Um, Neither One of Us Golfs?!

We'll be taking the puppies with us and Asher will stay with two of his very favorite people, Dad and Abbie. He will get a month of R and R too! 

Just looking at these photos from the webpage makes me feel more relaxed.

Blessings,

Emily