The Seed is Hope, The Flower is Joy

Sunflowers on an Outing to the Arboretum

The Seed is Hope.

The Flower is Joy.

Turning to Face the Sun

Today I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. Instead of needing my Rolls, I walked in and out of the appointment. Afterwards, Mom and I stopped at a pumpkin stand and picked out some pumpkins for the yard. We drove to the pharmacy where I got to catch up for a while with my favorite pharmacist. Then we stopped to visit a bit with Sara and Dave while picking up our farm share. For these other outings, I did use my Rolls. I took a nap. We shared our evening meal together. I got a bath and settled in to watch a little TV. And now, I am settled in to write a little blog post. 

Why do I detail such a seemingly simple day? Because this type of day has been unimaginable to me in over a decade. It's not just being able to do more, but being able to do more without feeling as ill. 

Love the Way They Turn Towards the Sun!

While we were driving from the pumpkin stand to the pharmacy, I said to Mom: "Can I just say how amazing and wonderful it is to be able to do simple, every day activities and enjoy them? To be able to go to the doctor and still have some energy left for something else? To have energy to enjoy this glorious Fall day? To not feel like I am literally dying while trying to go on an outing?" 

I'm still tired. I'm still symptomatic. I still crash out. I still have bad days. But it's different than it used to be.

So Many Varieties!

This winter was dreadful due to gastroparsis that wouldn't let up. In the Spring, I started to feel significantly better, thanks to the addition of B12 shots to my regimen. While I have still been struggling with the gastroparesis, my ANS symptoms improved over the summer and I just decided to have the best summer possible. I put off as much medical stuff as I could (which is now leaving me to cram it all in, but that is another post!) 

That's why so many of my posts have been about seeing friends and family, the puppies, or going on outings--I have been engaging in life as much as and as fully as possible. I still have so many summer joys to blog about. In order to engage in these other activities, I had to pull back from blogging--which I missed a lot!

When Mom shared the quote above with me, it resonated. This summer and early Fall I have truly felt that sometimes I have been able to be the flower more than the seed, that I have been able to engage in the joy rather than rest in the hope. 

As is the case with chronic illness, we never know when the wind will blow a different direction and symptoms will change or flare or be better or be worse. I'm acutely aware of how quickly things can change. I've just tried to live in the moment as much as possible, embracing the joy, and trying not get caught up in the sometimes overwhelming hope for more. Every day, Jon Kabat-Zinn reminds me to accept things just as they are, not wanting them to be different than what they are right now. That's a big task!

Blessings,

Emily