Sunset On Sunset: A Little Meditation

I'm done with as much packing as I can do tonight, taking time to drink my bedtime tea, and reflecting a bit on our fifth year at the beach.

We said 'goodbye' to the beach yesterday with a short visit in the midst of our packing.

Clearly, I need to work on my selfie skills. And why, yes, I DID get my hair chopped! :)

This year at the beach was a little bit harder and rockier than last year with my sprained ankle, illness on top of illness, and feeling much crummier than last year. 

It's a lesson in understanding that a 'change of scenery' won't wash away the illness--even as much as I wish that were the case. Chronic illness is chronic illness. It follows me everywhere.

The added depression at higher than usual levels for me bummed me out because it made me feel as if I wasn't appreciating or experiencing the moment as much as I wanted to be.

We've significantly lowered the dose of the clonidine that seemed to be causing the blues to worsen, and I felt my smile, goofy sense of humor, and zest for life peeking through again reminding me that there is light in the darkness.

April will bring lots of PT and other appointments to try to see if we can get things back on track. Health maintenance keeps me busy!

In addition, we return home to a busy April of hosting a meet and greet for Marc Friedenberg for Congress (please reach out if you would like to attend!), a local screening of the film Unrest, and lots of work prepping for Rowe's Research Runners. I've been trying to work on all of these projects from here at the beach, which has been a tremendous challenge give my energy levels.

We will be diving right back into things! I have to say that I am not quite sure I am ready to go home!

The pace of life here suits me quite well...SLOW! :) 

Even if this year was different or harder, we still got to be here for another year.  Mom is still health enough to do the caregiving and the travel. Every year we can both get here is a blessing. We love that we have this new tradition--which is something that was not even possible a few years ago. 

I slept a lot. We watched some good movies and TV (hit me up for recs!). We saw lots of blue skies and wildlife (osprey, egrets, alligators, turtles, sandpipers, dolphins, etc.) and the endless beauty of the ocean. We ate seafood and more seafood and more seafood. We went out to dinners, spent lots of quality time time with Cindy and Nick, enjoyed a visit from a Davidson friend and her husband, and got in a little bit of shopping at my two favorite places, Bleu and Jewelry by Wendy. We spent every day together, and I got in lots of snuggles and smiles and loves with my babies. 

I didn't write as much as I had hoped, or work as much as I had hoped, or listen to as many books as I had hoped, or read the book on writing as I had hoped I would, or knit as much as I had hoped, or Skype, call and email as many people as I had hoped, or write as much snail mail and thank you notes l as I had hoped (like none at all! :P), or feel well enough to enjoy walking (even though I made myself do it as much as possible) as I had hoped, or go to the beach as much as I had hoped, but as Jon Kabat-Zinn tells me every single day:

Let go of the tendency which we all have to want things to be different from how they are right now. And allow things to be exactly as you find them. Allow yourself to be exactly as you are.

I've been listening to Jon Kabat-Zinn's 45 minute mediation every single day for years. I have heard his voice utter these words thousands of times. 

I am amazed at how difficult it is to truly accept things exactly as they are in this moment. To not wish they were different. To be fully present. 

No wishing I wasn't sick or feeling depressed or so tired or that we didn't get to do such and such while we were here this year. Just letting it be what it is. 

This is my greatest and most enduring challenge.

This is my life as it has been given to me. And I continue to strive to live it as fully present and mindfully as possible, hitting the restart button hundreds of times throughout the day. I check and re-check my thoughts when they spiral into the sadness surrounding feeling and being sick.

In the midst of our last minute packing tonight, Mom spotted the sunset out the window. A glorious spectacle of a sunset. Just in time for our last night here in Sunset Beach, NC. 

We dropped everything, put leashes on the pups, and stood in the middle of the golf course taking in the beauty. 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Live for these moments. And I mean, literally, LIVE, fight, stay alive for these moments. 

Thank you, Sunset Beach, for the gift of another year of your splendor. Thank you for another year that Mom, puppies and myself were all able to make the trip. Thank you for being exactly as you are meant to be in this moment. 

Blessings, 

Emily

P.S. To those of you celebrating Passover or Easter this weekend, blessings to you.

P.P.S. I will do my best to keep up in some way--either via blogging or my Secret Facebook group (contact me if you would like to be in touch with me this way). Please understand that my energy has been more limited than usual and keeping up has been quite challenging.