Transformation

Butterfly on our Zinneas Last Fall

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to to achieve that beauty. 

--Maya Angelou--

When I ventured out for a new kind of massage last week, I discovered a lovely plaque with this Maya Angelou quote. I spent the entire month of January in my cocoon. If it wasn't for several necessary medical and therapy appointments I would still be in my cocoon! I spent as many moments as I could in my den, in my recliner, nestled underneath my heated blanket, listening to music and engaging in quiet activities such as knitting. 

I found myself craving quiet time alone (which most of you know is the opposite of my usual self!) in which to pour all of my energy towards transformation. Giving myself the 'space' to process, discern, take care of myself, create, listen to music, and be quiet is something I have not done since very early on in my illness. In these times of quiet, the greatest and most beautiful changes are happening for me.

I feel a lot like a butterfly who still needs more time to grow in her cocoon. I've found that learning to live my life entirely differently and implement those changes to be all-consuming, hard work. Yet it is also liberating and rewarding. Jeannine has been teasing me that I am moving at mach speed because I am changing so fast and calling me "Mach" for short. :) 

As January ended and February arrived, I found myself laughing more and delighting in more simple joys. I've made a concerted effort to seek out joy, and for the first time in a long time I've felt myself laugh more readily and feel more joy, even in the midst of the sadness, grief and anxiety that have gone along with this change. 

To be honest, in some ways, I can't wait for the 'medical stuff' of February to be over, so that I can crawl back into my cocoon and continue on my transformation.

Blessings,

Emily