Tolerable

From the trenches here's the 18 week update on the battle at hand. The number 18 just keeps making me think of being allowed to vote. Do I get some sort of vote that I want this to get better now?

One of the biggest issues I've faced in the past few weeks is how to forge ahead without making the treatment completely unbearable. Dr. Lyme does not want things to be miserable or intolerable, but most of the time they are.

I'm pretty determined and I tend to approach the treatment with my former Type A personality, hoping the hard work now will pay off in the long run. I just want to get the worst of this all over with, plus I wan to KILL THAT LYME! I just keep trying to gut it out. I want to get the show on the road and be a part of the world.

But sometimes that can backfire. It's a constant test of patience, trust in the process, and listening to my body.

Rebekah always tells me to listen to my body even though I don't always want to. And that my body tends to speak more loudly than other people's. This always makes me smile.

How do we balance killing off the Lyme with making sure the toxins from the die-off are leaving fast enough? How do we know we're keeping up? How do I know if I'm doing what is best for my body?

I pushed so hard with the malarone that I reached a breaking point emotionally and physically. That is when Dr. Lyme said to slo-o-o-o-w down and increase the medications more gradually.

The last few weeks have been incredibly trying in ways I never could have imagined they would be, especially emotionally. I do realize that when I'm physically exhausted, it's difficult to have much perspective.

The major question is how hard to push and what is tolerable? How do we define tolerable?

I don't know and there's not easy answer.

I want to give the malarone a good solid 4-6 weeks to see if I adjust to it. I feel like I have started to a bit. I feel, too, like it must be doing something to the babesia, which we also really need to kill off because my muscles feel full of 'junk'.

On Thursday when Maxine was here she said the muscles in my arms felt like there was sludge in them. And that's about how I feel physically all over. Like I'm moving through sludge. And my brain is clogged up too!

It's always good to be congruent. I love when the bodyworkers feel the things in my muscles that are congruent with how I feel overall.

How do we make the treatment tolerable, yet still make sure we're 'getting the job done' with the Lyme? If you've seen Under Our Skin, you know a lot of the treatment was pretty unbearable for most folks.

What's tolerable is certainly going to be different for each person. For me, I know that given how sick I was to begin with and how sick previous treatments have made me, I'm going to be pretty sick from this new regimen. And I signed up for that. I know it's part of the deal.

"Tolerable" for me is usually miserable, but I haven't found the balance in terms of knowing just how miserable is "tolerable." Does it mean I can get to the computer to blog here and there? Does it mean I can watch a little TV?

When I have too many days when all I can do is lie around and feel sick, keep the room quiet, and not do anything except think about how sick I feel that's when I reach my 'intolerable' quotient. That's what happened with the malarone on the first go around.

It's day by day. Some days are more tolerable than others. And we'll just keep trying to find the balance as best we can in the midst of knowing that 'tolerable' is still going to be some version of 'miserable.'

Blessings,

Emily