Mother-Daughter Day

Mom took the day off from work today, during which we spent all of my 'awake time' being together. Usually we plan an outing or a couple of hours together, but I haven't ever felt well enough to do more than one little thing in a day. We always eat dinner together and catch up every day, but today was extra-special.

After I woke up and ate lunch we headed to the local farmer's market with "The Rolls". It turned out to be a little warmer outside than I could tolerate, but we were there for about 30 minutes, ran into lots of folks, and took in the sight of lovely fresh flowers, fruits, vegetables and baked goods.

I love being able to go with Mom to the farmers market--something I haven't done in years--and pick out my own goodies (blackberries--just like the ones pictured in the collage!) and talk to Mom's favorite vendors.

In the upper left-hand corner of the collage you'll see two photos--one listing today's available meat items and another with a bearded man. Bill has free-range chicken, veal, beef and pork, all of which is amazing!

We took in the scenery on the way to and from the market. It's only about a ten or fifteen minute drive.

We pass by this farmland a LOT, since it is on the way to the doctor's office!

Mom mixed up batter for gluten-free dairy-free oatmeal raisin-walnut-chocolate chip cookies! I felt well enough after a nap and dinner to roll the cookies out myself! I love to do that and have so missed being able to bake things with mom over the years. Mom tried a new recipe and despite the fact that she accidentally added double the molasses and double the margarine, the cookies are pretty darned good. It is impossible to find really good baked goods in the stores.

We even watched a movie! We've tried to watch a movie a couple of times in the last four years, but I've never been able to enjoy it. Today, we watched half before my nap, and half after our evening walk and my bath. Ratatouille was lots of fun--but I find it funny that the two movies Mom and I have watched this summer were both all about food (Julie and Julia and now Ratatouille)!

During the second half of the movie I enjoyed two of those freshly baked cookies. Yum!

I'm still taking in the fact that we were able to go to the farmers market, watch a movie, bake cookies, and go for our evening walk all in one day. Every little thing makes me giddy with joy--being able to roll the cookies or go to the farmers market or watch a movie.

Thanks for an awesome day of bonding Mom!

It is definitely time to hit the hay...that was a busy, joyful...and exhausting day!

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Collage: Scenes from the farmer's market, including the person from whom we buy our free-range meats, our favorite vendor for things like potatoes and blueberries, the blackberries we bought, flowers for sale; Farmland near our house on the way to the market; Rolling cooking dough; The movie, Ratatouille.

Jamie: Make New Friends, But Keep The Old...Some Are Silver And The Other Gold...

As you can tell from my blogs lately I've definitely been fulfilling the prescription from Dr. ANS to enjoy time socializing! I think this week I will need to take a big rest. :)

While Dad was here for lunch yesterday, my friend Jamie called to say she was home and wondered if she could stop over. Of course, of course, of course!

So she and Jeannine were both here for a FANTASTIC visit this afternoon.

It's been a great summer for seeing old friends and I've been savoring the moments of feeling well-enough to enjoy it all.

Currently, I'm listening to the book The Girls From Ames. It's a lovely book about eleven girls who formed a friendship group as young girls and have remained friends into their forties. They keep in touch via email by hitting the "Reply All" button and have yearly reunions. The book is making me very sentimental and nostalgic for our group of eight which fully formed in seventh grade, although many of us knew each other long before that.

In addition to knowing each other since our days playing ponytail softball as young girls, Jamie and I also both have parents from Iowa, so I found the timing of her visit particularly coincidental given the book I'm listening to!

During dinner tonight as I talked to Mom about The Girls From Ames, my visit with Jamie, and the other friends in our group she said: "Well, next summer if you feel better you can have everyone come stay here for a reunion." Wouldn't that be awesome girls? I love my mom for her willingness to 'make it work' regardless of this illness.

When I was growing up, our home was often a gathering place. I'm not sure why or how we all ended up here a lot, but I think part of it had to do with me being an only child and my parents always keeping our house welcoming and open to my friends. My mom is a classic Jewish mom and she always had plenty of food around too!

It is always my hope that when old friends come to visit, they still feel like they are stepping into a comfortable, welcoming place where they can plop down on the furniture, say what's on their mind, and help themselves to whatever they need. I hope the our home evokes familiar, happy, and comforting memories.

Thank you so much for calling and letting me know you were in town Jamie! It's been so wonderful being in touch again. And to think, Facebook had something to do with this all. (Kate, get your toosh on Facebook already, will ya?)

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Jamie, Jeannine and me (I love the photo in which Jamie and I blocked Jeannine's face with our hair!)

Happy Birthday Dad!

Here's Mr. Fuzz helping Dad open his birthday presents. If it's a present Asher thinks there might be something in it for him, even if it's just the tissue paper he gets to shred.

Dad came over for a birthday luncheon today--shrimp cocktail, fresh tomatoes from his garden (of which he is very proud), chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate covered cashews and iced tea. Thanks to Mom for the help in preparing the shrimp and getting the rest of the food. Dad and I each ate 1/2 pound of shrimp!

Oh and did I mention excellent conversation? Plus a Happy Birthday serenade from me?

Dad and his buddy, Asher. Both were looking quite handsome.

Asher tried really hard to give Dad some birthday kisses! Here he and Dad are battling things out!

I finally (sort of) figured out how to use the auto feature to take a pic of the two of us. As you can see Asher wanted to be in the picture too with his own birthday present (the sheep with the 16 squeakers).

I so enjoyed having an afternoon with Dad that we could really enjoy while I am feeling a bit better. It was the first year in a long time that I could get his gifts and cards together with less help, and really enjoy a meal like that.

All in all it was as lovely afternoon, and I think we created a wonderful birthday memory.

Happy 67 Dad!

Here's wishing you a healthy and blessed year.

I love you,

Champ

Photos: Asher helping Dad open presents; Dad and his buddy; Asher trying to give birthday kisses; Me and Dad.

Marcy, Coco and a Hummus Extravanganza

It's been far too long since Marcy and I have had one of our Hummus Extravanganzas! Today we had the hummus with fresh tomatoes and cucumbers from her garden. What a treat.

And she brought her newly adopted pooch, Miss Coco, to meet me. Isn't she cute?

I was determined to make sure Marcy and I had a Hummus Extravaganza and catch-up time while I am off of antibiotics so that I could enjoy our visit even more.

I struggle a lot with feeling isolated and like I'm missing out on my friends' lives because I'm unable to go visit them, see their homes, meet their children, go out places with them, etc. It means a lot to me that Marcy was willing to bring Coco with her today and to make the drive to see me. Plus she takes care of the lunch prep and clean-up. Mom provides her famous hummus.

As always the face to face girl talk was just what I needed. We always have so many things to talk about we don't know where to start!

Thanks girlfriend!

LYLAS,

Emily

Photos: Marcy and Coco. Finally, you took the plunge and got a pooch! :)

Me and Asher

I love this picture of me and Asher that Aunt Joan snapped when she was here visiting last weekend. Aunt Joan got a chuckle out of how much I talk to Mr. Fuzz.

I hope to get the rest of the pictures posted from Aunt Joan and Uncle Larry's visit soon...

For now, I just wanted to share this picture that Joan edited and sent to me today.

Blessings,

Emily

Photo: Me and Asher having a little 'talk'--I am sure I am telling him what a good boy he is! :)

New Tennies

After dinner this evening Mom and I headed out to the mall with the sole purpose of getting me a new pair of sneakers. She and I had been on Google chat earlier in the day when she suggested perhaps we go look for some 'new tennies'. I still smile every time I think of her writing that.

I thought: Will be a quick outing. Will go to Penney's only. Will buy Nike's because they are the only brand that has ever fit my feet. Will just be a few pairs to choose between. Will use the Golden Parking Pass. Will zip right into the shoe department in The Rolls. Will be the perfect time to go to the store--Tuesday night and the back-to-school shopping is not in full gear yet.

What really happened: I came home feeling frustrated and completely exhausted. I ate a gluten-free dairy-free brownie to 'deal with it'.

I'm writing this post because I want to share what often happens with outings. They are filled with mixed emotions, and not all are as successful as the movie outing was.

Even though we parked in the handicapped parking right outside the entrance to the shoe department the doors had no button to activate the doors. They were not automatic doors and we struggled to wheel me both in and out of the store. The customer service desk is located right by the door and no one offered to help.

Once we were greeted in the shoe department, no one offered to help us with anything. I realize this is the way the stores are now. I really miss going to buy shoes and having the folks help you out! That is one thing that has gone by the wayside since I got sick!

Thankfully Mom did all of the hunting for shoes, picking out options, opening and repacking boxes, lacing up shoes, pulling paper out of them, and so on.

One of the things I love most about my mom is her incredible ability to be in tune with me and to know what I both need and want. She is somewhat unaware of this gift, no matter how often I tell her how much it means to me. She has a 'knowing' about me that is the kind I could only hope to give my own child.

It ended up taking us a long time to find a pair of shoes that fit. Clearly, either Nike's have changed in the last ten years since I bought sneakers or my feet have changed!

I had trouble knowing what to look for in a sneaker since it's been so long since I've bought a pair. I'm used to going somewhere and being helped with the fitting.

It was hot in the store.

The hardest and most frustrating part though was how difficult it was to try on the many pairs of shoes, how difficult it was to stand up long enough to even see if the shoe was a possibility, and how sick I felt by the end of the trip because of all of the up and down and standing.

An outing like this is an example of the many emotions that my illness brings up for me.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that I could go to choose my own shoes. Yesterday in an attempt to archive old messages in my inbox I found an email to Carrie from 2006 stating that I had felt well enough to ride in the car with Mom to pick up Asher at the groomer. I was so excited, I told her, to be able to leave the house for something other than a doctor's appointment. It put into perspective where I am now compared to three years ago.

I'm humbled and blessed by the gift of a mother who knows what I need, when I need it, and how I need it. I'm blessed that she wants to spend time with me doing things like shopping for new tennies.

On the other hand, I'm angry that the doors aren't automated. What about my friends who go to the store by themselves? Why don't the sales clerks help at the shoe department when they see that you cannot get the things on your own? I wanted to be passive aggressive and leave extra opened shoe boxes just so the sales people would have more to put away when we left. They were standing around chatting the whole time we were there.

That's the external anger. Internally, I feel sad and frustrated that the simple task of buying a pair of shoes for the winter months is no fun. I'm used to getting a high just from the feel of a new pair of sneakers. Instead I just came home feeling deflated that it was so much work and so exhausting. I kept apologizing to Mom for taking so long at the store, making her have to work so hard to help me, etc. It's hard to watch her kneeling on the floor to help me put on a pair of shoes, when I feel like it's my turn to help her in life.

Right now, I just want to cry over the seemingly mundane and simple task of going shopping for a pair of shoes. Was it worth it to 'get out of the house' at this cost? Would I have been better off to top off what had been a good day by just watching an enjoyable show on TV? Would I have been more cranky if Mom had to go shopping for me than I am having gone along? Was it worth the ANS storm that I'm having now and the possibility of losing a night's sleep because of it?

It doesn't help that I feel guilty about feeling this way. I know the emotions are disproportionate to the actual event. I know they are irrational. Still, I feel what I feel.

One of the lessons I'm learning about chronic illness from the book Life Disrupted: Getting Real About Chronic Illness In Your Twenties and Thirties is that meltdowns over the little things are pretty common stuff. When everything else is completely out of control, we hope to somehow control the little things. When we can't, sometimes we lose it over the little things. I lose it over shoe shopping, a TiVo box that won't work, an iPod that freezes, a burned piece of toast. It's too hard to face the big stuff. Way too hard.

I'm determined that one of the two 'tennies' options we came home with will be 'good enough'. At least they were on sale! In the end, I know I'll enjoy my new shoes. I'll remember that the outing was hard, but I'll smile when I see the new shoes I picked out myself.

And now to hit the publish button before I chicken out over my 'authenticity'.

Blessings,

Emily

Photo: The two pairs of shoes I came home with because I was too tired to decide--a pair of Skechers and a pair of Nike's.

To The Movies!

I'm still flying from my big outing today...

We went to the movies! We went to see Julie and Julia which both Mom and I loved!

Last night Mom and I were brainstorming ideas for an outing today, as she had taken the day off of work. I knew that if we didn't go on an outing today, I'd be cooped up for the rest of the week. Plus it's so hot outside, many of the options seemed unworkable--such as going to Kohl's to try to get some sneakers.

Mom suggested going to a movie. I called the theater and asked if I would be able to sit somewhere using my zero-gravity reclining chair. It fit easily in the handicapped row towards the front of the theater.

Planning for anything is very difficult for me. I never know how I'm going to feel from day to day. We decided that if I got enough sleep and felt okay when I woke up, we would go. If not, we wouldn't. Thankfully, I felt well enough to go and well enough to enjoy the movie.

It's difficult to come up with ideas for outings that are doable for me. Even for a movie outing I had to take my medication in the middle of the movie and pack a snack to eat immediately afterwards.

We (Mom, Barbara--our neighbor and friend, and myself) went to see Julie and Julia.

Pure delight. I smiled or laughed almost the entire way through the movie.

I can't believe how exciting it was to go to the theater and watch a movie. To top it off I didn't have an ANS storm afterwards.

The last movie I attempted to see in the theaters, other than Under Our Skin earlier this summer, was Finding Nemo. All I can remember was how sick I felt the whole way through, squirming in the seats, trying to recline or put my feet up, feeling a sense of 'air hunger' from trying to sit up so long, and not enjoying the movie because I was so distracted by symptoms. Other than that, the only movies I remember seeing in the theaters since I've been sick are Mulan, Shakespeare in Love and At First Sight. That was a LONG time ago.

Going to the movies was a perfect activity for a hot summer day.

I enjoyed creating a happy memory of going to the movies rather than my old memories of feeling sick the whole way through.

Plus the movie theaters haven't changed that much since before I got sick, so there wasn't anything I had to learn how to do (like using the credit card machine at Target), so I slipped right back into the 'real world' pretty easily.

Other than the fact that I was in my zero-gravity chair, I felt no different than anyone else who was in the mood for a fun, enjoyable, well-acted movie on a hot summer afternoon.

I'm excited to have a new type of outing that I can do now! It's a great thing to have on the list of possibilities--especially because it doesn't require advanced planning.

Blessings,

Emily

How I 'Filled' My 'Perfect Prescription'

After Dr. ANS encouraged me to take a break from the cognitive uncertainty of my illness and the decisions ahead, I had to really think about how to use my time.

I look at managing my illness and working to get better as my full-time job. It's a job that's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and quite honestly, I hate my job. It's all-consuming, it's all about 'me', and it leaves little time for anything else.

When I was given a prescription to take a break from it all as much as possible, I felt relieved and free on so many levels. When I am not 'working on getting better' I feel like I am somehow failing. Here, my doctor was telling me to take a break and enjoy life a bit more!

What I had to do was really think about how to spend the gift of this time. My first instinct was to make a list of a zillion things I was going to get done. I quickly realized that wasn't realistic!

I've been surprised in some ways by how I've spent my time and what I've chosen to do. I don't have a lot more time in my days that I feel well, but the time that I do have is so much better than it used to be. And since I'm supposed to be focusing on enjoying things, I'm less likely to spend as much time researching or trying to find out what to do next. Plus, I don't have the three days a week that I'm completely knocked out from the bicillin injection.

When I'm sick from the Lyme meds I spend a lot of time thinking about my to-do list--things I need to do and things I want to do. I feel guilty, sad, angry, frustrated and discouraged. Part of me thought that I'd spend this med-free time being a little more outgoing--catching up on email, getting together with more people, getting more things done.

I've tried not to force myself to structure this time any particular way except to make sure that I create happy memories, seek pleasure and joy, and spend time with my closest friends and family. Instead of bringing more into my world--meeting new people, tackling the many projects I have on my list--I've really needed to focus on what is already there.

What is already there is a circle of people I love and who have loved me through the worst of this illness. I'm used to being with Mom, Dad, Abbie or Jeannine and only feeling sick. I find that when I have a choice in the evenings to go for a stroll with Mom or catch up on email, I want to be with Mom. I want to savor time with her that's not about being sick. I want to get some fresh air, see the sunset, watch the bunnies running around, chat with the neighbors, and watch Asher prancing with joy next to the wheelchair.

I've stayed much more introverted and quiet during this time than I thought I would. And it's been interesting since I tend to be a very social person. I told too many people 'Sure, let's get together' while I'm 'on break' only to find that I was over-scheduled physically and emotionally and regretfully had to cancel.

I think on many levels I am exhausted--emotionally, physically, spiritually--and I haven't had energy for reaching out or starting new things. I've needed this time just to catch up a little with all of those folks who are constantly on my mind but there's never energy to be with them. I've also desperately needed to spend time alone, blogging.

When it comes to having the energy I thought I would have to email, make phone calls, and tackle some of my 'piles' and 'to-do' lists, somehow the reserves aren't there yet. Maybe I thought I'd be able to just jump into things a lot faster? I thought I could go from 0 to 60 in a few weeks? The challenge has been not to be disappointed with what doesn't and still can't get done, to accept that my body is still sick and still needs a lot of nourishment. It's not ready for more yet. And when August is over, most of my to-do list will still be unfinished.

Certain items on my to-do list are getting tackled--some in preparation for being sick again (placing a Mary Kay order or taking care of getting a new Medic Alert bracelet or other such things) and others out of the desire to do them now that I can (create a family website or get my Dad a birthday present).

Every day I have to ask myself how do I want to spend the day? How do I capture the day in a way that I will not look back and regret how I spent my time before I resume treatment? By the time I learn to be good at this and make decisions about this, I'll be back on medication.

I've needed a lot of time to chill, to be low-key, and to be reflexive. I've needed a lot of rest. I've needed a lot of time away from the computer. A lot of time away from Facebook. Maybe I'm so used to email and Facebook being my only outlet, my absolute lifeline, when I'm sick that right now I need a break? I haven't quite figured that part of the puzzle out yet--why I can't get myself to tackle emails. I am slightly frustrated with my lack of motivation to tackle my inbox and catch up with people.

I also don't want to go back to my old pre-illness pattern of do, do, do--feeling stressed, robotically tackling projects, and completely unaware. I want to be mindful of the choices I make, and mindful while I am engaging in each activity, even if it's just being able to fully enjoy an hour of TV without thinking about other things.

So in between the evening strolls, the outing to Target, or lunch with Miss A, I've needed a lot of down time. One of my favorite things right now is to enjoy a little TV each night. I never thought I'd be saying that! It's a favorite part of my day. For so long I couldn't even watch TV without feeling sick. Now I look forward to enjoying a fun TV show and a little escapism.

The point, after all, of this time of respite before resuming treatment is to emerge from it stronger, not more depleted. Now, if only I could go to the beach and just convalesce for a month!

While I'm not talking about my medical decisions all of the time, they are still a cloud hanging over my head. I know how soon the gift of this time will be over and it's difficult having that finite amount of time and choosing well how to use it. I'm always worrying about how my choices will affect others, while at the same time trying to choose what will be most healing for me before I start treatment again.

It's a difficult balance and it's one I know I haven't figured out. This period has been an incredible life lesson. This is the best I have felt in years. Yet I still have incredibly limited energy. The trip to Target was my whole day. Some days my whole day is just my activities of daily living, some quiet time with Mom and Asher, and my daily phone call with Dad. Lots of times I still feel really crummy.

I've had years to think about how I would spend my time if I felt better. Now, I've had a chance to try to apply that. Every day is full of learning how to use those lessons.

It may sound cheesy but so much of this time has really been about enjoying the simple things and not cluttering my life with other 'stuff'.

It's about savoring the fact that I have a choice today. Today, that choice was to blog.

It's about savoring the 'space' to be in a place other than survival mode. Survival is a part of every day for me, but the intensity has been less since I've been off of medications. The new 'space' in my life is blissful. It's nice having a little 'space' to see where I'm at emotionally and spiritually.

It's also about letting go on the days that don't work out--like when I had a GI attack last week and survival mode is the only option.

It's about creating a sense of normalcy in an otherwise completely abnormal world--like eating lunch and painting my finger nails with an 11-year old, celebrating Asher's birthday, or picking out headbands at Target.

It's about learning what it means to have fun and joy again.

It's about doing things and being with people that I enjoy and miss and love so that I remember what I'm fighting for.

Thank goodness I followed through and 'filled' that prescription! It was just what I needed.

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Our lilies.

Aunt Joan and Uncle Larry Are HERE!

My Aunt Joan and Uncle Larry arrived from Iowa this morning. They are staying with Dad and Abbie (Larry is Dad's brother).

Aunt Joan spent the afternoon here at the house with me--just the two of us--for about 2 hours. How wonderful to catch up on person! I didn't want her to leave but it was time for me to rest.

The brothers went golfing. Abbie was kind enough to let Joan and I have some alone time.

On their way to the golf course (yes, the same one that was in the photos earlier this week), Dad and Larry stopped over so I could get a big Iowa hug from Larry too. And get a photo with Larry and Joan.

I miss Iowa a lot. And I miss the many, many relatives that live there.

This afternoon wasn't quite like sitting at Joan's kitchen table, listening to the noises of the farm, and being surrounded by cornfields, but it was just as full of the love and good conversation I cherish.

I will be seeing more of them over the weekend and I can't wait!

I love you Joan and Larry! I am so excited to have you here!

Blessings,

Emily

Photo: me, Joan, and Larry. :)

The Perfect Prescription

After I wrote my update on the Lyme 'Battle' and the decisions ahead I talked through my anxieties with Maxine during our weekly bodywork session. She suggested that I email Dr. ANS and let him know what was going on and how anxious I was about the decisions ahead.

I felt slightly uncomfortable emailing him that Thursday, July 30th because I didn't have all of my information 'in place'. I was trying to just get an email out to him before he left on vacation. I knew in my heart that if I emailed the most trusted member of my medical team and got some feedback, I would calm down. I was in a place of panic, of feeling completely overwhelmed, and of being unable to handle the decisions ahead on my own.

I've read his email over and over and over again. I immediately took his words to heart and began to change the way I had been operating. I still read it at least once a day to remind myself how to focus my energy. Here is part of what he wrote:

I know that anxiety is not an easy issue to manage, and that it isn't possible to "just relax" as a means of addressing the worries you have right now. They are legitimate. But, you also have the insight to know that you are spinning the worries a bit more out of orbit than is good for you right now. I think it would be sensible to take a "respite" from thinking about the port and Rocephin for the next month, and instead work on increasing your activity, enjoying the walks and social life while you are off antibiotics, and then in a month return to "what to do." I think the right decision will be more evident to you after a month of improved function, much in the way an answer to a dilemma is apparent after sleeping on the issue for a night. You aren't going to make a decision until you speak with [Dr. Lyme] again in a month anyway, so why drive yourself crazy by thinking about it each day? To the extent that you can put it aside for a month, I'd try to do that, and not even discuss it with friends and family for now: make it an off-limits topic. I don't mean that to be patronizing, so I hope that doesn't come across in my wording. More of an encouragement to take a holiday from the cognitive burdens of the uncertainty. OK, over and out!

Enjoy my social life? Take a break? Stop trying to solve all of my medical stuff for a while? Not talk about the decisions?

What a novel concept! It was the best prescription I think I've ever gotten! A permission slip to take a break. It's like recess!

While I have not been able to completely avoid talking about the upcoming decisions because I've still had doctor's appointments, phone calls to make, etc. I have kept the discussion to a minimum--mostly only bringing it up to Mom or Dad. Some days it's easier than others.

In the past couple of days I've noticed that I seem to have plateaued; I'm feeling like I know my body is ready to go back on antibiotics; Maxine and I have noticed a change in my body when I get massages. It's made me sad to realize how quickly the time went. I talk to Dr. Lyme on the 20th (next Thursday), so we will likely make the final decisions about the next step then.

Dr. ANS is able to take into account me as a whole person, as a human being. He's able to really tune into my needs as a patient on all levels.

What I needed the most the day that I emailed him was to be held in the palm of his hand, nurtured, and comforted. There wasn't anything he could really do 'medically' other than to prescribe some much needed respite.

I'm constantly humbled by this doctor--his compassion, his humanity, his intelligence, his individualized care. Having him on my team is true gift.

Blessings,

Emily

Photo: Sedum in the yard. Looks like fall is closer than I want it to be!

Target

I realize that for most people a trip to Target is a 'normal, every day' experience.

For me, it's a TWICE in a DECADE experience. I was so excited to go to Target for the second time in ten years that I had to take a picture.

The last time I went to Target must have been sometime around 2002 to buy a blender with Mom?

I admit that no matter how hard I try to be a minimalist, it's just not in my nature to be that way on all levels. I still enjoy a shopping trip. I haven't been shopping in so many years, I'm like a kid in a candy store.

Everything at Target seems so shiny and seductive (which means they are succeeding I suppose!). To my DINET friends: Kristen, Melissa and Rachel--I thought about how much you all love Target outings too!

I had energy to go to two sections:

First, the hair care department to buy fun pretty headbands because I don't like my new haircut. (It so doesn't look like Jennifer Nettles). It's good to know some things never change--the Goody brand dominated the aisle.

Second, the card department to pick out cards for my Dad's birthday. For years my mom has picked out all of the cards I need for Dad, Abbie or other occasions that I am even able to get a card together. I was so excited to be able to do this.

After that I was totally wiped. Mom took me on a tour of the store just so I could see what the sections looked like...and think about which part I might want to venture to NEXT time we go to Target! :) I lasted an hour.

At least now I know how to use the credit card machine there. Mom had to show me how to work it. How funny is that? I can handle huge life decisions about medical care and other things, but I can't work a credit card machine?

On some levels, I've experienced more than most people my age have in life. On other levels, I feel so far behind. It's a strange contradiction and makes the world difficult to navigate sometimes.

For now, I'm still reveling in my trip to Target. It was so much more than a shopping trip. We used the chair, I was able to pick things out on my own, I had the energy to go, and Mom and I got to spend time together doing something we haven't been able to do for years. We are both really enjoying our time together being able to do things--even if it's a bit differently than we would have done it in the past.

I remember when I first met Dr. ANS and he asked me if I liked to go shopping. I said: "No!" He laughed and said that the young girls with CFS said they didn't like shopping and he always knew that was a sign they didn't feel well! So, he'd probably be excited that I got to go shopping!

Thanks for letting me share some fun stuff while I am off of my Lyme meds. Last week I had another GI attack, so when I felt a little better on Saturday I wanted to...get...out...of...the...house!

When I am out of the house, it's the only time I really take a break from thinking about the things weighing on my mind. Of course, when I come home the to-do lists are still waiting and all of the coulda, shoulda, woulda's come back. But for a brief hour, I'm just a normal person picking up a few items at Target.

Blessings,

Emily

Evening St-Rolls...

Many of you have asked if I've been getting to go out in my wheelchair much. I have used it more than I ever even expected I would--both for fun outings and for not-so-fun outings (to the doctor last week with another GI attack).

I had Mom take a picture of me and Asher on our st-roll tonight (she strolls, I roll). Asher eagerly anticipates this new summer evening routine. If I'm not up to going along he's not too interested in leaving the house with Mom.

When I went through the process of getting the ultra-lightweight wheelchair, Mom was concerned about whether I would use the chair enough to make having it worthwhile. She thought that I would be too embarrassed and uncomfortable to use it.

Both Maxine and Jeannine have said to me that when I said I was even thinking about getting a wheelchair they knew that I was ready for one.

I can't say it's that clear cut for me. But I can say that having it has been really liberating and I love being able to get OUT OF THE HOUSE for a change. It's the first thing I want to do when I have a little more energy.

Tonight we strolled up to the golf course near our house. I loved the change in scenery, so I took a couple of pictures. We've had a lot of rain this summer and everything is still green even in August!

I really wanted to go play in the sand!

What a perfect summer to have the wheelchair and a break from my Lyme meds! I've just been trying to enjoy some things I haven't been able to do in years.

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Sunday evening stroll on the golf course.

Bonding With Miss A: Fluffer Nutters and Nail Polish

Miss Alexandra came over for a fluffer nutter luncheon today. We are trying to make this an annual tradition. If I felt better, we'd be doing it more often because it's so much fun! Right now I'm so enjoying being able to do this sort of thing and I'm packing in as many happy things as I can right now.

We forgot to take pictures of this gourmet delight. If you haven't ever had a fluffer nutter, you are missing out!

After lunch we painted our finger nails. Miss A had to line up all of the options and coordinate them by color.

In the end she decided to have me paint her nails a pale pink with sparkly polish on top. Pretty fancy!

I let an 11 year old paint my nails. I had to do a bit of patching up afterwards! I love having painted finger nails. What is it about them that makes me so happy? This is my new color for this summer, called Party In My Cabana. Seriously? Party? Where?

It wasn't a party but it was a lovely afternoon.

Happy Birthday Miss Alexandra!

Photos: Me and Miss A trying to take a picture of ourselves!; The options--oh so many! Keep nail polish in the fridge and it lasts a LONG time, hence the many options!; Miss A and her beautiful nails; Me and my beautiful nails.