A Grateful Heart

"Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart."

--Seneca--

I write this post with the most grateful of hearts--for you, for your friendship, for your love, and for your support. How can I ever demonstrate my appreciation?

For me, one of the most difficult aspects of my illness is my inability to often reciprocate the kindnesses I receive. I also struggle just to keep up with any sort of regular correspondence. I look at my email inbox or our piano covered in cards (birthday cards have now given way for your wonderful holiday cards) and I feel sick with guilt, sick with regret, and sick with grief over not being able to give in return what you all give me. Ten years into my illness I'm still not able to let go of the 'old Emily'--the one who sent perfectly wrapped packages, never missed sending a snail mail card for birthdays, loved writing letters and making cards, never missed writing a thank you note, and in general, could always keep up with correspondence. 

I want to write back to all of you. I want to write long, heartfelt emails responding to all of your life goings-on as well as your messages to me. 

The truth is I cannot physically keep up. And I'll never catch up. I tried declaring email bankruptcy last year. At that time my inbox was a disorganized 400 messages. Now it's over 1200, so I was not one bit successful in my attempt to 'let go'. I just keep putting  little yellow stars by messages and thinking, hoping, and believing I'd have time and energy to come back to them. 

So, what I want to do in this post is to tell you how very much YOU are appreciated. I appreciate that you stop by and take the time to read my blog. I appreciate that you take the time to comment or reply. I appreciate that you continue to send me snail mail for birthdays, holidays, and 'just because.' I appreciate that you call and leave me voicemail messages. I appreciate your pictures. I appreciate the updates on your life.

With an incredibly grateful heart, I thank you for your continued prayers, kindness, letters, emails, and support. I have written some very difficult blogs on 'tough stuff' and the response and support has been overwhelming and humbling. Since my blog is the only way I can truly keep up with people, it means so much that you take the time out of your full and busy lives to read it and to respond. 

I love blogging. This is the first place I come for respite, renewal, and fulfillment. I have found it especially meaningful when you share your own journey with me in return. Lately, you have done that with my posts about wanting to be a mother and about wondering where God is. Hearing your own personal stories means so much to me. (You should see me with the tears streaming down my face when I read your responses! :))

I may not be able to respond to your email, card or call, but it never, ever, ever goes unappreciated. 

I'm struggling a lot lately and doing my best to simply hold on. I want to tell each of you in an individual email (or even better a handwritten note) how much you mean to me and how much your caring means. 

A blog seems inadequate, but it is the best I can do. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. Thank you for doing what a spiritual counselor once described to me as 'singing my song for me when I cannot sing it myself'. 

With gratitude,

Emily

Photo:  Pink dahlia by our mailbox this summer.