Eight Lights of 2008

How do the eight nights of Hanukkah fly by so quickly? I feel like I've just gotten into the groove of the prayers, lighting the candles, and most importantly, letting light triumph over darkness, when the eight nights are over. I always feel a sadness at the end of Hanukkah, and I did so again tonight.

We did enjoy wonderful latkes last night. If my mom might say so herself (and I would agree), they have to be her best attempt yet at latkes. Who knew Martha Stewart would have the winning latke recipe (with a little tweaking to make them gluten-free)? We certainly had our fat intake for the entire month, but they were worth it!

Another high note of Hanukkah this year was winning the local Hadassah raffle. For many years my grandmother would enter my name in the raffle, a tradition we have continued since her death. Not only did we light her Yahrzeit candle during Hanukkah this year, but I won the Hanukkah raffle...so we felt Grandma's presence a little bit more this Hanukkah. The raffle was for an amount of money called "Double Chai"--or $36. Eighteen is chai and multiples are double chai, triple chai, etc. Since chai means life in Hebrew, I hope this will be a good ending to 2008 and signs of a better 2009. I'm not known for winning things!

Mom and I kept Hanukkah extremely low-key this year and did not exchange any gifts, instead choosing to donate to charities. I have to say, it was the most relaxed, stress-free Hanukkah for us. It was also nice to have Mom home from work for a few days as we were able to take some time together to watch an episode of our favorite show (Eli Stone) and begin watching the Lyme documentary Under Our Skin (powerful, sobering, overwhelming, amazingly well-done). I haven't gotten to blog yet about Mom going back to work...that's a longer post for another day! (Let's just say, she's no longer 'on retirement'.)  When I have the energy to watch a TV show together it is a big treat for both of us. 

As I reflected on Hanukkah this year and listened to Hanukkah stories and music, I decided that I wanted to do something at the end of 2008. I no longer do holiday cards and I didn't get a holiday letter written this year. 

I'm not at all ready for 2009 to end. In fact, I'm trying to figure out: is there a way to post-pone the start of the new year so I have a little more time to catch up?! So many things (such as visitors!) happened in 2008 that I never had the energy to share on my blog, but have been longing to write about or at least post some pictures. I'll attempt to do the entries more in pictures than in words!.

In honor of the end of 2008 and the eight nights of Hanukkah I have decided to do eight posts on eight lights of 2008 that I did not yet get to share with my readers. I know, I know, eight. It's a lot. But, I plan on spreading them out into the new year. We'll see if I can even get them done! I'm setting myself up for a big task here. But eight is my favorite number, so I can do it!

In the next couple of weeks, I hope to share with you eight more lights--high and low lights--of 2008. Hopefully, I will mostly share highlights, but I haven't completed my list of topics yet. I'll see what comes up as I go. 

After all, Hanukkah is about darkness AND light, struggle AND triumph. And that's why it speaks to me so much each and every year. 

Blessings,

Emily

Photos:  The candles on the last night of Hanukkah. Our friend, Pam, always finds us these wonderful candles.

P.S. Okay, so google now does not know any Jewish words? I understand spellcheck not recognizing Hadassah or Yahrzeit, but latkes? Hmmmm....

A Cup of Tea with Angela...

Today, my friend Ang stopped over for a nice afternoon visit and a cup of tea. I just think she looks so cute in this picture curled up with her cup of tea. Along with our tea, we shared an afternoon of comfort and catching up as we always do when she is able to come to town. I can't really emphasize enough what a treat it is to see Angela.  We have been friends since fourth grade, and while we talk on the phone and catch up via email, we find that we are most at ease talking face to face in the familiar surroundings of my home. 

I've written about Ang several times on my blog, so today I will keep this short and just share a couple of pictures from our visit. As always, Ang was dressed like a fashion queen from NYC and I was bundled up in a turtleneck and sweater. What I love about Ang, though, is that she's incredibly stylish and always looks fantastic, yet it comes without a touch of pretense. She pulls it off beautifully!

At the end of our visit, Angela's mom and husband Bill stopped in to say hello.  Angela and Bill have been a couple for almost 8 years now and just got married this fall--so it was fun to see the newlyweds!

As always, thanks for the gift of your time and love Ang!

Blessings,

Emily

Photos:  Me, Ang and Bill :) I didn't think I looked that pale, until I sat next to the two of them! Darnit!

P.S. Melanie--look very, very closely at the photos! 

Christmas at Dad and Abbie's

As promised, here are the rest of the pictures from my Christmas afternoon at Dad and Abbie's house. 

I've started a new medication called midodrine that raises blood pressure. I had tried this medication in the past (many, many years ago when I first go sick) without success. 

The short version is that when the medication is in my system I feel significantly better and much less sick. The problem has been figuring out dosing, timing of doses, and whether to combine it with other medications. So there have been many ups and downs--literally and figuratively--in the past three weeks since I started the medication. When I feel good on it, it's great. When it wears off, I feel crappy. 

The biggest problem is that when the medication wears off--especially after a 'big day' like an outing for Christmas, I often crash pretty badly--with low blood pressure and and 'autonomic storm'.  So, while I felt really well at Dad and Abbie's during my visit, I ended up sick all night last night. I had to cancel a visit with my friend Angela that was planned for today. Fortunately, she was able to reschedule for tomorrow. So, I'm praying for a good night's sleep tonight and a better day tomorrow.

I'm long overdue for a medical update on my blog, but that's a quick look at the latest trial! 

Now, for more fun stuff. I'm sticking to fun and fluff for a few days.

Here we are....the human beans present Christmas day (Asher wasn't the only guest of honor!). This is me with my step-sisters, Meredith and Monica. Poor Meredith had a miserable cold (note large pile of Kleenex next to her!). You can also really see her pregnant belly now! Yeah!

This is the first time in four years that I have spent part of Christmas day at Dad and Abbie's house. This year I was there for part of Easter and Christmas. The last time I was at Dad and Abbie's for Christmas? The day before my last major gallbladder attack and surgery! It's been a long road since then. Thankfully my crash last night wasn't that drastic!

Although I was only there for a little under two hours and just stayed for the gift exchange (Dad's house is only about a 15-20 minute drive from ours), it was a major milestone that I was able to go and feel decent. I just wish I hadn't crashed out so badly afterwards.

I've already been munching on my gluten-free, dairy-free goodies from a local bakery. Yum. Now, I can finally have some holiday cookies like everyone else! I've been going a bit crazy listening to everyone talk about Christmas cookies. I'm also ready with new fuzzy socks, new turtlenecks, new gloves and new crayola markers. In my old age, I'm all about stuff being practical (or edible, as in the case of the yummy cookies!). Boring, I know. But I really need to be getting rid of stuff, not accumulating anymore of it!

The girls with their men (my date being Asher). Jon, Meredith, Monica, me, Bill, and Asher.

Me with Dad and Abbie. And Asher, of course. Abbie loves having her picture taken, can you tell? Haha. You can't tell so much from the picture, but I think Abbie was really happy to have all her 'kids' there for the holiday. She really loves Christmas.

Dad--always ready for a photo opportunity! He likes having his picture taken as much as Asher does. Maybe Asher learned from him how to ham it up for the camera? 

Blessings,

Emily

Photos:  Christmas Day 2008 at Dad and Abbie's

Asher Celebrates Christmas!

Clearly Asher does not care which holiday it is--as long as there are packages for him. He's quite the multi-cultural dog.  He loves packages and he got just what he asked for from Dad: racquetballs (and he didn't even care that they were PINK!), tennis balls, and a squeaky toy.

I was able to spend a little under two hours at Dad and Abbie's house this afternoon. More pictures (of the human beings present) to follow! I'm taking a holiday break myself right now and focusing on fun, fluffy and happy blogs. So, today's Christmas joy was an outing to Dad and Abbie's.  Asher provided the entertainment. Here he is shredding the paper all over the floor!

Ah-ha! Check that out! A reindeer that squeaks. The reindeer had a red fuzzy nose--for about two minutes, that is.

Thankfully, all of my step-family enjoys dogs. Asher got a lot of attention. Here he is, very proud of his new pink racquetball! 

Back home with all of his loot. Somehow one of the racquetballs didn't make it home from Dad's. Very sad. (Dad: Asher asks you to please, please find his other pink racquetball and bring it over! :))

He is so tuckered out here that he didn't even try to play with the toys when I tossed them towards him. 

Tonight he's been more exhausted than Mom and I have seen him in ages. After dinner, I sent him outside only to find him lying on the cold concrete porch--not having the energy to go walk out far enough to piddle. Tonight, he's been snoring away on my bed. 

We're both completely and totally exhausted from our outing.

Wishing you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS.  I hope that you had a beautiful, peaceful, and joyful holiday.

Blessings,

Emily

Asher Celebrates Hanukkah!

On Sunday (a week and a half ago) with a  new medication in my system that raises blood pressure, I was able to go on a brief little outing.  We stopped at our favorite local pet store--where we buy our dog food, dog treats and toys. Even Asher can come in to the store! It's a wonderful, animal-friendly place focused on the best welfare of our pets. An incredibly special and joyful place to go.

They always have some sort of homemade goodies for the pooches. When Mom pointed out these decorated Hanukkah cookies, I have to admit I couldn't resist purchasing one for Asher. Doesn't it look good enough for a human to eat?!

Since the cookie might go stale, Asher got to eat it last week before Hanukkah actually started (but he didn't know the difference). He is hoping for more fun presents from Dad and Abbie for Christmas. He asked for Racket balls and some squeaky toys.

He wasn't quite sure about the icing at first! So he tried to lick it off before he ate the cookie.

It seems the cookie was pretty tasty. Here he is with that look: "Is that it? Do you have anymore for me?" 

Tonight, during Hanukkah he got to eat the heart from a chicken Mom made. Cute pictures to follow, of course.

I know, I'm crazy about my dog. He's such a good reminder of being present and enjoying life. Sometimes I'm not sure who enjoys the times we share together more--me or him? He makes me take a 'time out' and focus on the moment.  That's what I did while he munched away on his Hanukkah cookie one afternoon last week. I had a little treat of candy corn for myself. 

Whatever you celebrate, I hope this post finds you spending the holidays with those you love (yes, pets count!).  And some yummy homemade cookies! :)

Blessings,

Emily

Photos:  Asher eating his Hanukkah cookie!

Snow Day!

We had our first snow storm of the season yesterday.  And Asher was very, very excited! I love that this new camera has a fast enough shutter speed to capture him in motion--he's so fast! He has been cooped up inside for quite a while now with a sore neck, so this was his first chance to get a romp in a while. It was actually the first chance I've had to be outside in a long time also, so it was great for both of us!

His exuberance and playfulness are so refreshing. 

So, here he is with his favorite toy, favorite weather, and one of his favorite people (my dad)...having lots of fun. Asher got to run loose because there was no traffic--pedestrian or vehicles, so that meant for some extra happiness! Oh, to be a dog!

See the ring behind him? He does this all of the time...and makes us go get it for him! He's not so great at fetch!

Wishing you a blessed holiday with your own bits of joy!

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Asher and Dad enjoying the snow day!

A Cold Dreary Day, Warmed By the Comfort of Old Friends..

Okay, so my blogs have not been very uplifting lately. I've had a very long string of days that are just plain crappy or crappier. And the cold, dreary weather doesn't help a whole lot! I thought I'd lighten things up with some good news for a change. :)

Over Thanksgiving weekend,  I planned just one visit--with my friend Caroline from high school. This time around she was going to bring her two little girls over for me to meet them. Unfortunately, after a quiet Thanksgiving day, I spent all night up with low blood pressure. So, I ended up having to cancel my visit with Caroline. Next time, my friend, next time, I WILL get to see you and your girls!

On Saturday night, I got a surprise phone call from another high school friend, Jamie. Recently Jamie and I reconnected through Facebook (Oh, how I love Facebook! :)). Jamie called on our land line, and we laughed about how embedded the old phone numbers are in our minds. I still remember hers from when we were growing up, and can recite the phone numbers of most of the close friends I had. She said, "I'm in town!" 

So, Jamie came over on Sunday afternoon.  Jeannine joined us. And we had a most wonderful visit. It was a great holiday surprise. I don't think I have seen Jamie for possibly 6 or more years. Neither of us can remember when the last time was that we saw each other, but it's been a very long time. 

I love seeing old friends. I love reconnecting after so many years. I love seeing friends doing well, happy, and comfortable in their own skin. It's beautiful and fun to see how we've all changed, and how we've also stayed the same. It's beautiful to see that friends I met at such a young age have turned into strong women. 

When I reflect back on the eight of us from high school--a group that started forming for me in elementary school--I'm amazed at the strong women we all are. We're all really strong, really liberal, really similar in our core belief system about human beings. I just find that sort of amazing--b/c you know I wasn't looking for other women who were gonna be a democrat or some such thing when I met my friend, Angela, in 4Th grade!! It's just neat to look at to me. And it makes me feel lucky to have found, in this teeny tiny town, a group of girls who would turn out to be such great women. 

Interestingly, too, most of us have a really big interest in health stuff---Jamie and Angela have an MPH, Kate has an MSW, Jeannine is immersed in health care--both working at a hospital and being a full-time caregiver for her mom, I always wanted to go into some area of health stuff, Deb is a PT, Jill--while she doesn't take care of people--is a vet, and Jess knows all sorts of medical stuff from her own experiences.  I would love to have us all in a room bitching about the health care system. It would be pretty funny!  

On this Sunday afternoon at my house, three of 'the eight of us', had our little chats about Obama, spirituality, Jamie's yoga training, and a bit of gossip added in. For Jeannine and I, it was a couple of hours that reminded us of better times, and the bonds of friendships--even after years of being out of touch.

Thank you Jamie, for the wonderful visit! I have had a wonderful time in the last couple of years catching up with 'the eight of us.'  You all know where I live, and how to help yourself to items in the refrigerator and pantry. So come on over, make yourselves at home. You are always welcome here.

I am looking forward to visits with Sarah and Angela over the winter holiday...and we'll see if anyone else is in town. 

Blessings,

Emily

P.S. Shouldn't Google spellcheck know what Facebook is?! 

Photos:  Jamie, Jeannine and I the Sunday after Thanksgiving.

A Grateful Heart

"Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart."

--Seneca--

I write this post with the most grateful of hearts--for you, for your friendship, for your love, and for your support. How can I ever demonstrate my appreciation?

For me, one of the most difficult aspects of my illness is my inability to often reciprocate the kindnesses I receive. I also struggle just to keep up with any sort of regular correspondence. I look at my email inbox or our piano covered in cards (birthday cards have now given way for your wonderful holiday cards) and I feel sick with guilt, sick with regret, and sick with grief over not being able to give in return what you all give me. Ten years into my illness I'm still not able to let go of the 'old Emily'--the one who sent perfectly wrapped packages, never missed sending a snail mail card for birthdays, loved writing letters and making cards, never missed writing a thank you note, and in general, could always keep up with correspondence. 

I want to write back to all of you. I want to write long, heartfelt emails responding to all of your life goings-on as well as your messages to me. 

The truth is I cannot physically keep up. And I'll never catch up. I tried declaring email bankruptcy last year. At that time my inbox was a disorganized 400 messages. Now it's over 1200, so I was not one bit successful in my attempt to 'let go'. I just keep putting  little yellow stars by messages and thinking, hoping, and believing I'd have time and energy to come back to them. 

So, what I want to do in this post is to tell you how very much YOU are appreciated. I appreciate that you stop by and take the time to read my blog. I appreciate that you take the time to comment or reply. I appreciate that you continue to send me snail mail for birthdays, holidays, and 'just because.' I appreciate that you call and leave me voicemail messages. I appreciate your pictures. I appreciate the updates on your life.

With an incredibly grateful heart, I thank you for your continued prayers, kindness, letters, emails, and support. I have written some very difficult blogs on 'tough stuff' and the response and support has been overwhelming and humbling. Since my blog is the only way I can truly keep up with people, it means so much that you take the time out of your full and busy lives to read it and to respond. 

I love blogging. This is the first place I come for respite, renewal, and fulfillment. I have found it especially meaningful when you share your own journey with me in return. Lately, you have done that with my posts about wanting to be a mother and about wondering where God is. Hearing your own personal stories means so much to me. (You should see me with the tears streaming down my face when I read your responses! :))

I may not be able to respond to your email, card or call, but it never, ever, ever goes unappreciated. 

I'm struggling a lot lately and doing my best to simply hold on. I want to tell each of you in an individual email (or even better a handwritten note) how much you mean to me and how much your caring means. 

A blog seems inadequate, but it is the best I can do. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support. Thank you for doing what a spiritual counselor once described to me as 'singing my song for me when I cannot sing it myself'. 

With gratitude,

Emily

Photo:  Pink dahlia by our mailbox this summer.

Post-Thanksgiving Thought

We can always find something

to be thankful for, no matter what

may be the burden of our wants,

or the special subject of our petitions."

--Albert Barnes--

Lately, my spirit has been restless in way I've never experienced before. When Mom marked this quote in a Mutts cartoon after Thanksgiving, it seemed to capture exactly how I've been wrestling with God lately.

Many of you have asked me about my spiritual journey over the years--especially those of you who met me long after my college years, or with whom I have recently reconnected. For fear of writing a novel in one blog entry, I'll skip to where I am NOW on my journey.

Since becoming sick, I have not asked, "Why me?" I always figured, "Why not me?" I'm no more special than anyone else. And so many people are suffering more than I am. I trusted God, I watched for the lessons I needed to learn, and I looked for reasons to be grateful for the many ways He is present in my life. 

Many times I have felt very, very distant from God, and I rarely pray anymore. But somehow I would still find God in my life.  

Lately, I've been incredibly angry at God. And feeling very, very far away from him.

I used to be afraid to get angry at God--I used to believe that the more I was a 'good little girl' the more likely I would be to have healing.  I feared being punished by God if I became angry at Him. If I believe in a God who didn't punish me with this illness to begin with, why do I believe in a God who will punish me if I question Him or become angry at Him? I'm beginning to learn that it's okay to be angry with God. And a deep part of Jewish tradition is to question.

Still, I'm wrestling with God big time. I'm angry in ways I've never been before. I'm having pity parties for myself: why me? why me? why me? 

Why doesn't He give me what I think I need? Why am I still sick? Why can't I have the things that I want most in this whole world?  Why can't I have healing? Why can't I be out there working to touch people's lives in a different way? Why, why, why can't I be a mom? Why can't I get married? Why can't I have days that aren't a struggle? 

Along with anger, I've given into sadness, loneliness, blame, envy and jealousy. It's not the Emily I'm used to and I don't really care for her very much!

I thought this quote was perfect because I had a very hard time having a thankful heart over Thanksgiving. I gave it my best, but I still felt a tinge of resentment and anger despite my efforts.

In truth, I have many, many things for which to be grateful. And those things do not pass me by. Sometimes the littlest of things will fill my heart with gratitude and my eyes with tears--like how my mom sets out my lunches for me with such precision and detail so that I am able to get it out myself the day after my shot. How she's figured out the perfect way to leave everything so that I can do it myself, using as little of my energy as possible.

Still, the voice of my wants and petitions is louder these days than the voice of gratitude and acceptance. I'm fighting God tooth and nail. And I want so much to have things that I may never, ever have. 

Maybe I'm too afraid to let go because the thought of letting go means letting go of dreams. I'm not sure. I just know that right now, my spiritual self is lost.  My spiritual self is longing for God and the comfort I used to find in Him and my faith. But I'm unable to find it right now. I'm unable to quiet the voices that want to over ride God.

Many people have told me that, through my illness, I have touched more lives than I ever would have without being sick. I get that. I get that I can view this as my path in being God's instrument. But why must we suffer to touch people's lives? And for how long? Sometimes I tell God, "Okay, I get it! I've learned! I'm ready to move on!" Clearly, He does not think so!

I've talked some to my friends about my struggle and many have helped me to see that they, too, struggle with their faith. I'm always feeling like my friends are 'Super-Christians'--a myth a friend kindly debunked for me (Thank you K! :)). She wavers too, she doubts too, she questions too. I felt alone in my struggles. Am I the only one with these doubts? Is everyone else of faith so much more steadfast than I am? 

Part of my struggle is that I don't have a community of fellow Jews.  And I don't have Jewish friends. So, I'm trying to navigate my faith on my own.  I'm realizing that I can't do this alone, even with God. I need to seek out community or a Rabbi, if my body will give me the strength to do so. I've found great community and fellowship on my journey so far, and continue to--but I know that something is still missing. My Christian friends have been the most instrumental people in my spiritual journey so far.

It's hard to reconcile a God who loves us so much but lets us suffer so much. It's hard to reconcile a God who makes the statement I heard over and over again growing so true: Life isn't fair. It's hard to reconcile a God who takes away what we want so badly. And what we think we need. It's hard to reconcile a God who I see there for me in 'good things' but not in 'bad things'.  

It's hard to pray, when I wonder if it matters at all. Does prayer matter? If so, what is it's purpose? Either God has things all planned out already, or He has His hands tied by two things: nature and free will. The latter would be the perspective of the book, "Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People." What exactly is prayer? I've certainly cried out to God a lot lately with my petitions!

As a Jew, I struggle also because my Christian friends who are sick find comfort in the fact that their suffering here is a small sacrifice for what will follow in Heaven. For me, life is here, it is now, and this is my life. So, why does it have to be this? 

In the end, we'll never know why. And I may never have what I want. Or what I think I need. I'll wrestle it out with God. I'll find my way--and that way is to either walk towards my faith or to walk away from it. I know myself well enough to know that I'll most likely walk more deeply into faith (or so I hope), but for now this--anger, questioning, and plain old negative human emotions--are part of my spiritual journey. 

They're a part of me that I often keep quiet, and rarely articulate. Who wants to share her dark side or air her dirty laundry! :) But one thing I do know for sure is that my blog and the authenticity of it matter. God has reminded me of that over and over again. And even through my spiritual pain, I can hear that.

Blessings,

Emily

P.S. I came in my den to write tonight not knowing what topic I was going to write about. I had so many post ideas swirling through my mind, and this was not one of them! I guess this is what I needed to write about tonight.

Photos:  The burning bush we planted this spring marking my 10 year anniversary of getting sick. This is what it looked like this fall.