Note: I wrote this blog over a month ago (October 5th to be exact) and somehow never came back to it. I've decided to publish it, even though I have to say, my old habits haven't changed much! But my view of my computer as a necessary and crucial lifeline has stayed the same.
After my computer crashed, I spent the next three weeks with limited access to the Internet via my mom's computer. Because she has a desktop and not a laptop, I was only able to check in for short little bits of time during those three weeks.
Oddly, being on a computer other than my own felt like somehow being in an unfamiliar and strange place. Where were MY icons? Where was my Picasa program with all of my pictures? Where were all of my saved passwords and websites? What was I gonna do with those new pictures I just took and wanted to download? When I got my own computer back it felt like a part of me was back.
I guess that was when I realized that three weeks without a computer had taught me a few lessons...both about the good and the bad of my life in the computer age!
While I learned, mostly, that my computer is a lifeline for me, I also learned that I've developed a few bad habits with it! My computer has taken up residence in my bedroom, which means that every time I get up to pee (which is a zillion times a day) or come in to my room for something I check to see if I have new email. At night, I get distracted checking email or such rather than staying focused on a TV show or book on CD and doing a better job winding down for the night.
So, I'm very much looking forward to trying to be more disciplined about that aspect of things. I know this will be much easier when we do some rearranging so that I use a separate room as a study...that way, I can leave my computer in there at night. I'm definitely addicted to checking for new emails and such, so this is going to be hard to change!
Still, while I often say I'd like to just throw my computer out the window some days (especially when it's not working--which has seemed to be more often than not in the past year), in reality I couldn't do this. I admire my friends who manage their lives without email or internet, who rely soley on in-person interactions, telephone and snail mail. I often wish I could be in that world.
I thought maybe I'd learn to like my little world without a computer. I thought that I would have more time and energy for other things. I thought I would get all sorts of other things done. I thought I'd call more people or sort through more piles of papers sitting around.
In reality though, even without my computer around, I didn't get anything more done than I would have otherwise. I definitely watched more TV shows and listened to more books on CD--both of which I enjoyed, but my productivity levels didn't increase.
As much as I'd like my world to be less dependent on the computer and internet, I realized how much it HAS to be, given my current life circumstances.
There are only so many activities that can be done reclining or supine, require very little physical activity, and can be done quietly.
While I always prefer in person visits or phone calls, I realized how little energy I actually have for them most of the time. Even without my computer around as a 'distraction' I wasn't able to make more phone calls.
I realized why I rely so much on the computer to stay connected to the outside world. I often go days or even weeks without going anywhere outside of my house other than to the doctor's office for a shot or for a little walk over to a neighbor's house for a few minutes.
During the three weeks without a computer, I discovered how often I felt like I didn't have a 'place' to go. I didn't have the energy to sit up long enough to write out a long email to a friend letting her know how down I was feeling and what was really going on. I didn't have the energy to blog about all of the things spinning in my head. Instead, it all just kind of 'sat' there inside me.
I've often been critical of my time on the computer as being wasted or unproductive. But, in reality, most of my time on the computer is spent connecting with others either through email or blogging (and yes, now Facebook). I read my friend's blogs to stay connected to them. I email my doctor's with questions. I check the weather so that I can set out my clothes the night before for the next day. I check out and renew library books. I find out what books are new and what music is new. I check the news. I see my friend's pictures and watch their children grow.
My computer is, in many ways, my lifeline. While I was without it, I about drove my mom out of her head because I talked EVEN MORE to her than I do when I have a computer.
I wish my computer wasn't so much a part of my world. I wish that my world was bigger and my adventures broader than this computer screen.
But at the same time, I'm grateful that this little computer can bring a world to me in ways not even possible earlier in my lifetime. I'm grateful that it keeps me connected to my friends and family in ways I couldn't do otherwise. I'm grateful that it keeps me part of the world. I'm grateful that it gives me an outlet for writing. And I'm grateful for the pace it allows me--one of working in bits and pieces--as my energy allows.
I still have a love-hate relationship with my computer, but for the most part, three weeks without it taught me that I need a computer to have a sense of being part of the world. Maybe someday that will change, but if not, at least I have the resources to have a computer and internet.
I know for myself and many of my other friends with chronic illness, we rely on our computers for so much more than we ever imagined.
Here's to 'healthier' computer use in my world after my computer forced me into such great introspection! :)
Blessings,
Emily
Photos: My Dell Inspiron 8600--approaching age five. And letting me know it too!
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