Thoughts on Writing: In My Head

While I appreciate so much that others do not place increased external 'blog pressure' on me when I go missing in the blogging department, the real issue seems to be my internal 'blog pressure'.

When will I learn? When will I learn that no matter how hard it seems to get myself up to recline and write, I have to do it.

I haven't blogged in over a month. I didn't realize quite how long it had been since I'd taken time to write in a form other than email and Facebook.

I've been writing blogs in my head constantly for the past few weeks. I wish I had written them when they were fresh because they'll never be quite as good now as they would have been if I'd written them right away. And where to start? The topics are spinning around in my head. I'm not sleeping well, I'm lying awake writing blogs in my head. It's as if, even though I haven't touched a keyboard to blog, I'm actually blogging all of the time.

My reasons for not blogging lately are many. I've been herxing pretty badly. When I'm not herxing, I've managed to squeeze in a couple of fun things, which means days of paying a price for it. I thought the last place I wanted to be was inside on the computer when I could be sitting outside in my LaFuma enjoying some fresh air. I've been struggling a lot physically and emotionally, which also makes me pull away from blogging. And then, there is the problem of once I take a break, it's difficult to surmount what seems like a huge wall to get started writing again.

It's all a matter of balance. And I'm still trying to find my way.

Sometimes the hardest part for me is getting started on something. So, I've sat my little behind down this afternoon, turned my dad down for an afternoon visit, and am hoping that if I just make myself start I'll be back on track with blogging...and feeling better all around.

For me, blogging is my refuge. Why don't I remember this? I need to do it no matter how sick I feel. But, when I'm lying there feeling like the last thing I can do is try to put together a coherent sentence it's hard to force it.

The problem is that when I don't write, when I don't blog, my internal 'blog pressure' reaches a crisis point. I'm there right about now--ready to implode.

So, as we always do with our resolutions, we slip up, we re-commit over and over, we fall off the band wagon many times along the way, but we keep giving it a go.

Look out...your inboxes may be overwhelmed with Notes of Dancing Light! I hope you'll journey along with me as I find my way back to writing and work on decreasing my internal 'blog pressure'.

Now...which topics shall I tackle first? Hmmmmm....:)

Blessings,

Emily

Photo: Fresh-picked Zinnia's from Norm and Pam's garden.

Remembering to Turn My Face to the Sun

Turn your face to the sun

and the shadows fall behind you.

--Maori Proverb--

In 'God moment' fashion, my cousin Mary sat herself down to enjoy a quiet morning, a cup of coffee, and a magazine in which she came across this quote. I'm not quite sure what compelled her to email the quote to me immediately, but I am so grateful she did. I love this quote. Plus, I had been working on a series of pictures of the Black-eyed Susans getting ready to bloom and then in full bloom. Flowers always remember to turn their faces to the sun.

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Black-eyed susans in our yard.

Meet Kate the Great!

Sorry, I just couldn't resist that title.

In mid-July, Kate stopped over for a short visit (a visit unfortunately cut short by the need to go take care of unexpected mommy duties!), and during this visit we actually got a picture. Last time she visited was in February 2007.

Kate and I met in seventh grade, and spent most of junior high and high school, well, doing a lot of competing against each other! We also spent a tremendous amount of time together since we seemed to always be in the same math class together every year, amongst other things such as band, band, band, lunches, lunches, lunches, classes, and many get-togethers.

I will officially admit in this blog that Kate is solely responsible for me surviving the torturous pop quizzes in trigonometry called 'Openers.' Each time any Opener focused on a logic problem involving figuring out if the character described was a knight or a knave, I was left sitting there like an idiot. Kate sat behind me, and would whisper, "Knight" or "Knave". I would quickly jot the answer down on the piece of paper. And Kate was always right, too.

Yes, here it is, an admission that Miss Emily cheated in Trig class! And Kate was my accomplice! :) Every time I tell this story Mom gets such a laugh out of it because I was such a goody two-shoes. I was more afraid though, in this case, of the bad grade from missing the points on Openers than I was to let Kate tell me the answer. Thankfully, I haven't found the need in life to know how to solve these darned type of logic problems since trigonometry class. I wonder how my Trig teacher would feel if she knew this story?

This memory is so distinctive because the only other time in my life that I cheated was in fourth grade during one of those times table quizzes--I never could get my multiples of twelve straight!

As I mentioned in the first blog on Kate's visit, she was part of our 'group of eight' all through junior high and high school.

I loved seeing Kate this summer. And, you know, I love the 30's so far because we all do seem to be coming into ourselves in a way we never did before. Kate looked so healthy, happy, and confident. And she was, well, so authentically the Kate I remember. No pretenses. No pretending or trying to be anything else. Just being Kate. Kate is loud, boisterous, super-smart, and always knows the latest gossip. :) She's also one tough cookie, who has endured and triumphed in life. I guess it's just a joy to see how we've all bloomed from awkward young girls into, if I may say so myself, strong, beautiful women.

She walked right in the house, dealt gracefully with Asher's neuroticism, hugged my mom, and sat down to eat a sandwich from one of her favorite local restaurants. I love that feeling of comfort with old friends. It was as if she had just been here yesterday!

We were bummed that our visit was cut short, as her visits to town are few and far between. Mostly, though, I'm so grateful we have reconnected after several years of losing touch (and only keeping up on each other through mutual friends).

Maybe next time I will be able to see her kiddos too! And it's nice, I'll admit, to no longer be competing against her in math class or other areas! (She'd probably win anyways! :))

Knights and Knaves anyone?

Thanks for the great visit Kate!

Blessings,

Emily

Photo: Me and Kate on July 12th.

Newspaper Article: POTS Is Like Running In Place At All Times!

We on DINET are always pleased when forms of Dysautonomia make it to print in a place that folks who have never heard of this illness might read.

I have both POTS and another form of Dysautonomia, called Neurally Mediated Hypotension (NMH). This article only focuses on POTS, but it does give a nice overview in simple terms of the illness.

Here's the link if you are interested...

http://www.pioneerlocal.com/buffalogrove/news/1083236,bg-rhum-073108-s2.article

Blessings,

Emily

The 'Don't Know' Mind

Maxine is more than one of my massage therapists. She is my spiritual guide, my spiritual mentor, my spiritual counselor. I'm wiser every week because of her. I'm blessed to have the consistency of her as a member of my healing team for over nine years now. No other member of my health-care team has travelled this journey with me for as many years.

Many weeks Maxine and I find ourselves facing life situations that leave us questioning and searching for the same spiritual answers. My time with Maxine is often like one 'God moment' after another. I don't really know any other way to explain it.

This week she spoke of her latest spiritual struggle and resulting insight.

She referred to author Stephen Levine's concept of the 'Don't Know' Mind.

At first I looked at her as if she was talking nonsense. The 'Don't Know' Mind? Huh?

The idea is that it is okay not to know how you feel about something.

I am always wanting to know the answer, how to fix it, and how I feel about it.

I over-analyze, talk my mother's ears off, can't stop my racing mind, searching for the answer to something that maybe, just maybe, if I let it be, the answer will come to me in time. Sometimes we feel this pressure from ourselves and sometimes we feel it from others. How do you feel about this or that? If I say I don't know, I feel like something is 'wrong'.

I love the concept of letting ourselves go to the place of the 'Don't Know' Mind. Simply letting ourselves say, "I don't know". It's possible that going here, if we are spiritual people, also gives us space to be with God.

No, maybe it's not earth-shattering or revolutionary in any big way, but it was for me yesterday in the place that I am right now.

That is what is so special about my relationship with Maxine and the journey we have travelled together spiritually over the years. Both of us went from not being spiritual beings at all to becoming spiritual beings. She's far ahead of me on her journey, and passes down to me the wisdom she received from her mentor.

The gift is that each week she meets me on my journey just where I need to be met. This week, it was letting myself say: "I don't know how I feel." And there are a lot of things I don't know how I feel about right now!

Maxine is one of those people who has touched my life in such a profound way I don't know how to even express it. She has been here for me every step of the way through this illness--physically and emotionally. The truth is that, in illness, sometimes even the healers feel helpless. After my gallbladder surgery, in truth, I was too sick to be helped by her massage therapy. But her calm healing touch, her prayers, and her listening ear could. Sometimes all we need is a hand to hold, faithfulness, and someone to listen and wipe our tears away. For the one hour I was with her, I felt safe.

Thank you Maxine for making my life so very much richer.

Imagine how many "Maxinisms" I have if I learn something like the 'Don't Know' Mind every week?! A LOT!

Blessings,

Emily

Photos: Maxine wearing the prayer shawl I knitted for her (photo from May of 2006). This was my first knitting project after my gallbladder surgery. Maxine before she headed to Africa for a retreat (photo from May of 2005). Yes, these pictures are more than a couple of years old! I've been meaning to post them forever!

The Asher Video...

Just a quick note about the Asher Birthday Video: For some reason Feedburner did not allow people to view it from their email. If you want to watch the video, just go to my blog itself and you can see it there:

www.adancinglight.blogspot.com

Anytime you want to view the blog itself rather than the email posting your receive in from Feedburner you can do so easily by clicking on any of the writing that is in BLUE, such as the title of the blog post and it will take you to my blog.

Sorry for the inconvenience!

Blessings,

Emily