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| Snow falling at night on our backyard maple. |
"If you do not have compassion for yourself,
Your compassion is incomplete."
--Buddhist saying--
--Buddhist saying--
In my experience the best bodyworkers are also intuitive, wise and insightful people who are continuously growing and learning themselves.
When Catie was here the other day for a Cranial Sacral Therapy session, we discussed how I was feeling about things. During part of our conversation I said:
"Really, my problem is that I'm just trying to be the person I was before I got sick."
I have the same expectations of myself as I did before my body had any limitations.
Catie said with humor: "And how's that workin' for ya?"
I said: "It's not!"
Every day I hear myself repeating the same script over and over again: "I'm so overwhelmed. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm so exhausted. Life is so hard. Why is life so hard? Will I ever know joy again? Will I ever feel happy?"
I look at my calendar filled with doctors appointments, home nursing visits, paper work, medical phone calls, and all of the things that need to be done to try to function somewhat, and I feel like I'm just trying to 'get through'.
I don't want every day to just be about 'getting through'. I don't want to feel so completely overwhelmed all of the time.
This is going to take a lot of learning to let go and a lot of compassion for myself. If I can let go of trying to be someone I no longer can be and accept my limitations, perhaps I can lift that horrible weight of feeling so completely overwhelmed all of the time. I often describe the feeling as never being able to be 'enough'--to myself and to others.
How does one ever learn to be sick? I know I thought I'd get better at it over the years, but I find it to actually be more and more challenging with each passing year!
Blessings,
Emily
1 comment:
So, so hard. It's so easy to feel overwhelmed when you feel physically unwell. Having been on a path like yours for ever so short a time I feel like I have some sense of how hard it is. I know you also get closer to the essence of life, on that path, in a way that a well person rarely if ever experiences. This is a gift, but a very very hard won, gift. And experiencing it, it is often hard to see that this is a gift at all.
Letting go as disappointments and losses occur, as they do in life, is a very difficult and painful process. I know we've talked about this many times. It's an on-going process and challenge that is part of the human experience--but what feels *unfair* is that some of us have to lose and give up more than others do. Coming to terms with our own individual path/footprint, over which we have limited control, is a part of this process.
It's even more difficult in our culture that is so competitive and individualistic.
I hope you can have a day tomorrow of good deep breaths and a calm mind.
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