A Long Time Silent...

"The most important is that when you get down, or when you don't think you can do this anymore, just hold on, and sooner or later the shit is gonna get better."

--From the book A Million Little Pieces, and passed on to me about a year ago from a fellow friend who is also chronically ill--

My goodness it has been a long time since I have written. And, oh how I miss it. If only my body would cooperate with all of the things I would like to do!

I wanted to reach out via blog to those of you who read because I've received several emails asking where I've been and noticing that I haven't blogged for quite a while now. Hey, it sure feels good to know you all are paying such good attention! Haha! :)

2008 seems to be off to a wild start, full of changes that are overwhelming, exciting, exhilerating, exhausting and scary. Hopefully I will be able to have some quiet time soon to blog (and days that my brain fog is not horrible!).

I'm not doing so hot with my email bankruptcy, and my inbox is creeping up to 600! So much for staying on top of things! I want to apologize to all of you who've been writing and I just haven't gotten to write back--and thanks so much for subscribing to my blog so that I can at least let you know that I haven't completey dropped off the face of the earth!

I'm off for a sleep study tomorrow (we don't really expect to find anything, but maybe I will get my Ambien covered finally? That would be a nice benefit). I hope I'll squeeze in enough hours of sleep for them to get enough 'data' on me! I usually don't fall asleep until around 2 am and they kick you out a 6 am! Hopefully I'll be able to come home and fall back to sleep!

The long and the short of it is that I'm hanging in...just having a bit of a hard time. Okay, maybe more than a 'bit.' I've really been trying to use this time to seek out the help I need on various levels--medically, emotionally, and spiritually. This has required a great deal of what Jeannine calls 'self-care' and has meant that I have been, perhaps, more self-absorbed lately than I care to admit. However, I'm not quite sure how else to come out of this place I am in. Until I find my own center again, I feel as if I have very little to give. Right now, I'm trying to fill myself back up, so that I can be a better friend and person in the end.

It took me a long time to admit that I was struggling so much emotionally. Finally, one day I said it out loud. I said, "I'm depressed." Internally, I knew this. But to admit it verbally literally seemed transformational.



Jeannine has known it all along for the past four months, but we hadn't really verbalized it in those words. I said it to her.



Then I told my other best friend, Carrie. Then I told Marla. Then I was getting ready to tell Angela. As I thought about calling Ang I felt too tired, but the phone rang and it was her. God moment! I said, "I'm depressed".



Within two days, I said it to four people and I've continued to try to share the truth with my friends because I'm not sure I can pretend any more that I feel peachy about life.

I felt such relief in telling my closest friends and all of the folks I have told (you know who you are--Sarah and Melanie and Marcy and Mommy Bev and Anne and everyone else!). Everyone responded with such compassion and understanding. It's hard for me to even write this blog and tell the truth. I hate being depressed. Usually it comes and goes--a natural part of being chronically ill. But this time it's sticking around, stubbornly refusing to lift in its usual way.

I am always afraid to tell my friends that I am depressed or to talk too much about how lousy I feel physically because I am so incredibly tired of feeling this way for ten years. I also don't always want to be 'crying wolf' so that when things are really bad, I haven't worn you out. My thoughts are, "If I'm this tired of being sick and I'm sick and tired of this, aren't my friends sick and tired of this too by now?" Somehow you aren't. Somehow you all validated me. You said you'd be there no matter what. You said you're sticking around. You said, "How could you not be depressed?" You said you know things are hard now, but you knew in your heart things would be beautiful some day. You said you'd pray for me. You said you weren't tired. Is it because you don't live what I live every day that you can keep at this with me? I'm not sure. But thank you.

Last night I was able to pray--something with which I continuously struggle. Usually I pray for 'healing' on God's terms. Healing in whatever He thinks is my path. But last night I petitioned Him big time! Hey, Elizabeth Gilbert of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame says you have to ask for what you want! I said, "I want physical healing. I want a life. I want to get married. I want to be a mom. I want to get BETTER! Oh, and sooner rather than later, please!" I sure hope God has a sense of humor. He must have heard something I said because I've had nothing but a racing mind for the past several weeks. I prayed for some time of quiet in my mind and the next thing I knew I had falled asleep and woken up an hour later feeling peaceful.

Now, it is Tuesday afternoon, a day after I started this blog entry (and accidently sent the darned thing out!). We are having a glorious snowstorm (glorious for anyone who doesn't have to go out in it!). I slept 10 hours last night. I had a massage last night. I'm not going for my sleep study because it's out of town. I had my little bag packed and everything!

I know that if I just tie another knot in my rope and keep holding on, I'll keep going. I always do. I am acutely aware of what triggered this episode of depression and many of the changes that have happened since that have brought on huge leaps in personal growth. I hope to continue to share this journey with you authentically and honestly.

For now though, I will close. I wrote from my heart yesterday. When I sat down to write I had intended to say simply, "Things are a little crazy and busy, but I'll write soon." I didn't intend to tell the whole truth. But I did. And you responded with so much amazing love!

In the same email in which my friend quoted A Million Little Pieces, she mentioned the constant fight of chronic illness, the daily battle which we fight--learning to live a life of contradictory challenges--learning to live a life of acceptance of what is while at the same time trying to do everything in our power to improve the quality of our lives.

Right now, I'm struggling with acceptance. I want more. I want so much more. Usually, I balance the two much better! But, as she says, if you fight it too hard it's like fighting a rip tide. And I think this applies to the depression I am feeling also--I am trying to fight it so hard, but I may also need to simply accept it and understand that it is a reasonable response to what I am going through. Marla said to me, "Sometimes, when you step back and really look at your life, you do have things to be sad about." She's right.

I do have reason to be sad, but I also have reason to continue to hope and to be grateful. Speaking of grateful, I'm going to check out this snow we are having and make a little trip to the mailbox.

Blessings,

Emily

P.S. Why isn't spellcheck functioning today on blogger???? Grrrrr....