On June 18, I marked the eight year anniversary of getting sick. We know the EXACT day that I got sick.
We never know quite how to 'mark' this date.
This year, we decided to 'celebrate' with a sparkling non-alcoholic beverage and toast to this being THE year of hope and healing. I've already passed through my 20's with this illness, and am really hoping that my thirties are going to be full of healing. Also, eight just happens to be my very favorite number, so I'm hoping that will bring a little luck along with it!
I see the next year as a time of 'cacooning' or 'hibernation'. Both turtles and butterflies seem to emerge over and over in my imagery and in my life. Both speak to me and my journey.
The Turtle: I feel like a Turtle because I must take things VERY slowly. And I must be very PATIENT. So much of what I am learning during these eight years is about patience. I'm reminded by many that the path to healing is NOT a race...and to be the tortoise, and not the hare through the Lyme treatment. Years ago, I began writing a 'book' about my illness experiences and I titled it "From Turtle to Swan." I long ago, set that writing aside for another time, but it is ironic that years later the image of the turtle has resurfaced for me. I feel this is a time to hibernate in my shell, as a turtle does, and let my body have the time it needs to heal. I must let go, surrender and leave the antibiotics to work their way through years of damage to my body from the Lyme spirochetes. I must not keep poking my head out to say, 'Am I better yet?', 'Are the antibiotics working yet?', 'Should I be better yet?', 'Should I be moving 'faster' on the treatment course?'. I need, instead, to give my body TIME to heal, and in the meantime, stay patient and protected in my shell. I feel very much like this part of the Lyme treatment is ENDURING the treatment process and doing that best to survive that while the Lyme dies off. That is why, I feel like I need to hibernate a bit...so if you notice I am more quiet than usual...I'm putting all of my energy into healing so that I can poke my head out of the shell and see the world anew.
The Butterfly: Many of you know, as my 30th birthday approached, I made the butterfly my symbol of hope for this decade. Right now, I may be a turtle, but I feel that when I 'emerge' from my shell I will want to be a butterfly! :) The turtle reminds me how to APPROACH the journey and the butterfly reminds me of the BEAUTY of the journey. And like the turtle, the butterfly must be in a cacoon before it emerges with wings, ready to fly. I always think of Heimlich in 'A Bug's Life'--the caterpiller who wants to be a butterfly! And at the end, he pops out of his cacoon with these little bitty wings on his big body. "Look!" he says, "I'm a beautiful butterfly!" So, right now, I'm a turtle who's a wanna-be butterfly. But, I feel my wings growing little by little.
I find myself, at this moment, although weak in body, strong emotionally and spiritually. I hope that I can hold onto this through the process of treatment.
I hold onto the beautiful words that my dear 'Mommy Bev'--mother figure, friend and fellow Lymie--wrote to me: You might be a turtle presently but with the "kiss" of those antibiotics it is my belief that you will eventually lose that cumbersome shell and sprout those wings to match the ones already in your soul.
Blessings,
Emily
Photo: African Violets blooming, blooming, blooming! I received these as a gift from some of my Mom's colleagues after my gallbladder surgery in January 2005 and they are just this summer, for the first time, blooming again. Gorgeous!
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