15

Our Daffodils in the Spring

When the letter arrived in the mail announcing my 15 year reunion at Davidson, all I could do was cry. I thought: I've been sick for 15 years, it has been 15 years since graduation and I function at 15% of a healthy person. The number 15 was not a happy number for me. 

At the time, I was also in the midst of a major gastroparesis flare unlike anything I have ever experienced, which in turn had set off my ANS to the point that I was unable to even stand for five seconds without tachycardia and near fainting. It was a bad time, to say the least.

Friends started planning for the reunion. Facebook was full of Davidson reunion love. I watched as so many of those I've reconnected with planned their journey to a place that remains as one of the most formative experiences of my life. A place whose presence is tangible, knowable, and influential EVERY DAY of my life--because of the values I learned, the people I met, or the education I gained.

I grieved. I grieved the body that wouldn't allow me to go. I grieved the freedom of choice that comes with a healthy body. I grieved the passing of time. I grieved the last time I knew a healthy body. I grieved for the friends I wouldn't see, the friends I haven't seen in years, the babies I've never met, the weddings I've missed. 

Daffodils Always Remind me of Davidson

And then, I made a choice. A choice to celebrate 15 years since graduation in my own way. Instead of focusing on the big reunion at Davidson, I would have as many mini 15 year reunions as I could. 

Let me clarify that the reason I could even do something like this is because I have 1. a mom who is amazing and willing to have my friends visit, and 2. amazing friends who are willing to travel to see me. The people I've met at Davidson are lifelong treasures.

So, I've had several mini-reunions so far this year, and have a couple more to go! It's been the busiest summer EVER in in terms of company, but it's been worth every ounce of energy. 

What came from grief, sadness and loss was a beautiful series of connecting and re-connecting with my Davidson experience. The lesson I'm learning is that I need to grieve, that it is healthy to grieve, that it is appropriate to grieve the many losses that illness brings. What I have also learned is that after I've had my pity party, I can come up with new and different ways to celebrate life. 

I've also learned that I may never get better. In accepting this I've begun to allow friends to visit without trying to be a perfect hostess, making sure I take my naps, and allowing them to see me sick. For many years I did not want friends to come visit because I did not want them to 'see me sick' and wanted to 'wait until I felt better'. I felt that it was unfair to my friends to travel so far to see me when I am only awake and able to visit a short time each day. There's nothing like staring 15 years post-college and 15 years of illness in the face to make one say: time is too precious, life is too short, those who are true friends will and do love me sick or not. I'm still learning to accept this type of love from friends.

I can't wait to share the photos from the visits! :)

Blessings,

Emily