Paradigm Shift

All Photos: 36 Year Old Weeping Cherry Tree in our Front Yard; Fall 2011

I have spent the majority of my time since becoming sick suspended in waiting. I have framed my world around the phrase: "When I get better...". I have continued to operate as if I am not sick, pushing myself to such limits that led me to completely burn out, both physically and emotionally.

Living this way brought me to a place of extreme emotional debt with constant feelings of guilt, feeling overwhelmed, and never, ever feeling like 'enough'. I reached a point of emotional exhaustion that I had never known before. 

In the past few months I have found myself in the midst of a major paradigm shift. 

My focus now is on adapting to and being accepting of my limits. Rather than viewing this as hopeless, I find it more hopeful than waiting for something that may or may not come. In some ways, as the famous Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, hope can take us out of the present moment, diverting our attention to the future.

What I realized is that if I am to survive this illness, I need to make major changes in how I operate. 

I believe that even if I remain this sick (or get better or get sicker), I can find ways to live well with illness. I want to find ways to live each day with what I've been given, not focusing on what I think I 'should' be doing or on what I cannot do. 

I'm now immersed in finding ways to live well with illness and live a meaningful life while honoring and respecting my limitations. While I have always focused on living a meaningful life, I haven't done it within the realistic constraints of my illness, which is what led to my feeling so completely overwhelmed day in and day out. By the time I finally found a therapist who 'got it', I was saying: "I know there is a better way to do this. I know there is a way out. I know there is a way to be sick and still live well. I just need help getting there."

Letting go, learning new ways of being, surrendering, accepting, learning to feel like I am 'enough' may just be the hardest work I've done yet! I'm truly looking forward to creating the best life I possibly can with whatever my health may bring.

Blessings,

Emily