Oprah Update: An Unanticipated Journey

Sarah is going to see the title of this blog and her little heart is going to think "Ooooh, Emily heard from Oprah," because she asks me this every time I talk to her! Sorry folks, it's much more boring than that, although I certainly wish that I could say that Oprah had called!

The purpose of this blog is two-fold: 1. to address questions from those of you who have asked about still writing to Oprah, and 2. to address the unexpected emotional journey I experienced after writing to Oprah.



First:

Several folks have asked me if they can still write to Oprah and have also wondered what I wrote, if the links were still 'hot links', etc. I have hesitated for a very long time whether to even write another blog on the topic because I do not want anyone to feel pressured or nagged.





So, if you've already written (and I have no idea who you are!), I really cannot tell you how much I appreciate it--other than to say A LOT!

If you haven't written and you've had enough hearing about Oprah from me (understandably, as I've become quite obsessed), just skip this part of the post and go to part 2.





Here are the links:

Link to letter I wrote to Oprah:



http://adancinglight.blogspot.com/2007/11/i-wrote-to-oprah-i-cant-believe-i-did.html





Link to the topics I replied to:





http://adancinglight.blogspot.com/2007/11/more-about-oprah.html





Link to how to contact Oprah:





http://adancinglight.blogspot.com/2007/11/help-me-be-on-oprah-show.html





All of the links are still 'hot links' and the categories are still up on the Oprah site. The only difference appears to be that submissions for both topics appear now to be going to the same 'team'--Team JS, whereas before one was going to Team CZ and the other to Team JS. Not sure.





My cousin asked about sending pictures--I sent a bunch of pictures in snail mail of our house, so hopefully they can just reference those in regards to your letter.


Second:

When I wrote to Oprah I thought it was just for fun: a little distraction from herxing, a lot like dreaming about winning the lottery (for which my friend, Jeannine, is infamous).

Soon, I realized it was about so much more. One night while Dad was here for dinner, I commented that "I was just doing it for fun." Dad looked me in the eyes and said, "It was about more than that Emily." And he was right.

I took a big risk (for me) by writing in the first place. I took an even bigger risk by asking my friends to help me out. I wondered how this would be perceived. For the most part my friends were excited, supportive, and having as much fun with it as I was. But there was also the opinion that what I had done was selfish and ungrateful. The opinion was that others are in more need than I am and I am not in need of this home makeover. The opinion was also that by saying I wanted more, I was ungrateful for what I have.

When I wrote, I knew that it wasn't so much about need as it was about want. I know that others are in incredible need in ways that I am not, and I hope that I have communicated this clearly in the past and continue to now. But Oprah wasn't asking for the 'neediest person'. What I knew for sure when I wrote was that having a space we love is important to our physical and psychological well-being.

Beyond that, the lines get blurry. Is it okay to want? Is it okay to want more than we have? Can we want more (within reason) and still be grateful for what we have? Can these things coexist? Can we want without being seen as selfish? Is it okay to feel that even though I don't need this, having it happen would bring me incredible joy? Is it okay to want the space in which I spend all of my time to be a place I love? How do we find the balance between need and want? I'm still trying to figure this all out, painfully and slowly.

Stepping back from the situation, I can laugh a bit. I mean, isn't Oprah all about personal growth? Wouldn't she love that writing this letter to her took me on a deep spiritual journey? Wouldn't she love the Ah-ha moments I'm having?

Just today we've all been arguing about how to put a new door on my bedroom, who should do it, who should pay for it, should we put new doors on all of the bedrooms, and on and on. I never realized putting up a darned door would cause so much stress.

What I have realized is that buried beneath what I thought was 'just for fun' was a feeling of being trapped, frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and exhausted. I want to feel independent, yet I'm completely dependent on others to do these things for me--financially, physically, etc. I also felt that the last thing that my mom, dad, Abbie and I had emotional energy (and physical energy) for was trying to remodel/redecorate. I thought that maybe if Nate, the 'miralce worker of decorating' came, we'd all feel a huge weight lifted, we would feel a new sense of life and beginnings, and we could focus our limited energy on the people we love and on healing (for Mom and I). (Seriously, Nate is can create an amazing space out of any project he tackles).

How can I create a new bedroom that I love when I can't go to the store? How will it be 'my own' if others have to do the shopping and decision making for me? How will I find the energy to make all of the decisions to pull the whole look together? And who will execute it?

And, although my bedroom doesn't look like a 'sick room' it feels like one. This is because all of the worst times during my illness have taken place in this room--and I spent 24 hours a day in that room feeling as if I wanted to die.

I thought that if someone like Nate came to 'save the day' and make a new bedroom, and even help us with our whole house, it would affect my entire well-being, as well as my mom's. Just dreaming and thinking about this prospect gives me a feeling of new beginnings and fresh starts.

I have a fellow DINET friend who recently remodeled her home, and she is also home bound. She said that having the house the way she wanted it and having it accessible to her disability made her so happy. How neat would it be if someone could find ways for me to comfortably recline and type? Or have the TV set up so that I can view it without my neck hurting? Or have a vanity to sit down at so I could maybe put on some make-up? Soooo cool! How great would it be to have a place just for visitors? And a place for my mom to call 'hers'?

So, writing to Oprah became something so much bigger than just 'fun.' After I wrote I quickly became propelled into this world of really wanting the fantasy to come true. The biggest challenge for me has been letting go, and learning that what is meant to be will be.

Now, I still want it really, really badly. Really badly. But I also have let go of feeling that I have to have it to be happy. Still, on days like today when we're all fighting about what to do, and I feel physically ill from the stress of it all, I want Nate to knock on my door.

In the end, I have learned that wanting a face lift for the house runs so much deeper than coats of new paint, new furniture, or even new doors. It is about finding peace in the space I live, about feeling a sense of control over something in my life, about making a home out of our house, about creating harmony for Mom and I, and most significantly, starting over, feeling a fresh start, and holding onto hope that things move forward, that healing will come and that the space in which we live can, through it's comfort and beauty, foster that healing.

Blessings and gratitude for those of you taking this journey with me,

Emily

P.S. I just ran spellcheck and I laughed because the other day blogger did NOT recognize the word dreidl, but it today it recognized the word Oprah!